Classical Version: I swear by Apollo Physician and Asclepius and Hygieia and Panaceia and all the
gods and goddesses, making them my witnesses, that I will fulfil according to
my ability and judgment this oath and this covenant:
To hold him who has taught me this art as equal to my parents and to live my
life in partnership with him, and if he is in need of money to give him a share
of mine, and to regard his offspring as equal to my brothers in male lineage
and to teach them this art - if they desire to learn it - without fee and
covenant; to give a share of precepts and oral instruction and all the other
learning to my sons and to the sons of him who has instructed me and to pupils
who have signed the covenant and have taken an oath according to the medical
law, but no one else.
I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my
ability and judgment; I will keep them from harm and injustice.
I will neither give a deadly drug to anybody who asked for it, nor will I make a
suggestion to this effect. Similarly I will not give to a woman an abortive
remedy. In purity and holiness I will guard my life and my art.
I will not use the knife, not even on sufferers from stone, but will withdraw
in favor of such men as are engaged in this work.
Whatever houses I may visit, I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining
free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual
relations with both female and male persons, be they free or slaves.
What I may see or hear in the course of the treatment or even outside of the
treatment in regard to the life of men, which on no account one must spread
abroad, I will keep to myself, holding such things shameful to be spoken
about.
If I fulfil this oath and do not violate it, may it be granted to me to enjoy
life and art, being honored with fame among all men for all time to come; if I
transgress it and swear falsely, may the opposite of all this be my lot.
Translation from the Greek by Ludwig Edelstein. From The Hippocratic
Oath: Text, Translation, and Interpretation, by Ludwig Edelstein. Baltimore:
Johns Hopkins Press, 1943.
Physicians are traditionally considered to be members of a learned profession, because of the extensive training requirements, and also because of the occupation's special ethical and legal duties. The practice of medicine has ancient associations with religion and magic.
Physicians commonly enjoy high social status, often combined with expectations of a high and stable income and job security. However, medical practitioners often work long and inflexible hours, with shifts at unsociable times, and may earn less than other professionals whose education is of comparable length.
Physicians and surgeons serve a fundamental role in our society and have an effect upon all our lives. They diagnose illnesses and prescribe and administer treatment for people suffering from injury or disease. Physicians examine patients, obtain medical histories, and order, perform, and interpret diagnostic tests. They counsel patients on diet, hygiene, and preventive health care.
There are two types of physicians: M.D.—Doctor of Medicine—and D.O.—Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine. M.D.s also are known as allopathic physicians. While both M.D.s and D.O.s may use all accepted methods of treatment, including drugs and surgery, D.O.s place special emphasis on the body’s musculoskeletal system, preventive medicine, and holistic patient care. D.O.s are more likely than M.D.s to be primary care specialists although they can be found in all specialties. About half of D.O.s practice general or family medicine, general internal medicine, or general pediatrics.
Both outside and within a profession there are jokes which serve to poke fun at the peculiarities of the profession. Such humor is called professional humor. Jokes tend to exploit popular stereotypes about the profession in question: lawyer jokes might present them as lacking in ethics, scientist jokes might play up their lack of worldly wisdom and accountancy jokes might address "creative accounting". A speaker at a professional seminar will often break the ice with a bit of professonal humor. Professional humor must be distinguished from in-jokes, those which can only be appreciated only a member of a specific profession.
As told by a doctor ...
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. - Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. - Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." - Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began. "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. - Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." - Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." - Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking
This should be taken care of right away.
I'd planned a trip
to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I
want to fix it before it cures itself.
Welllllll, what have we here...?
He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
Let me check your medical history.
I want to see if you've
paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why don't we make another appointment later in the week.
I'm
playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. --or-- I
need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
We have some good news and some bad news.
The good news is,
I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to
pay for it.
Let's see how it develops.
Maybe in a few days it will grow
into something that can be cured.
Let me schedule you for some tests.
I have a forty percent
interest in the lab.
I'd like to have my associate look at you.
He's going through
a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
I'm writing a paper and
would like to use you for a guinea pig.
If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.
I don't
know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
That's quite a nasty looking wound.
I think I'm going to
throw up.
This may smart a little.
Last week two patients bit off their
tongues.
Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?
I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
This should fix you up.
The drug company slipped me some big
bucks to prescribe this stuff.
Everything seems to be normal.
Rats! I guess I can't buy that
new beach condo after all.
I'd like to run some more tests.
I can't figure out what's
wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your
nerves?
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only
find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
There is a lot of that going around.
My God, that's the third
one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.
I've
never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." - Anonymous
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". - Dr. wouldn't admit his name
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
