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A Lawyer’s Job

The legal system affects nearly every aspect of our society, from buying a home to crossing the street. Lawyers form the backbone of this vital system, linking it to society in numerous ways. For that reason, they hold positions of great responsibility and are obligated to adhere to a strict code of ethics.

Lawyers, also called attorneys, act as both advocates and advisors in our society. As advocates, they represent one of the parties in criminal and civil trials by presenting evidence and arguing in court to support their client. As advisors, lawyers counsel their clients concerning their legal rights and obligations and suggest particular courses of action in business and personal matters. Whether acting as an advocate or an advisor, all attorneys research the intent of laws and judicial decisions and apply the law to the specific circumstances faced by their client.

The more detailed aspects of a lawyer’s job depend upon his or her field of specialization and position. Although all lawyers are licensed to represent parties in court, some appear in court more frequently than others. Trial lawyers, who specialize in trial work, must be able to think quickly and speak with ease and authority. In addition, familiarity with courtroom rules and strategy is particularly important in trial work. Still, trial lawyers spend the majority of their time outside the courtroom, conducting research, interviewing clients and witnesses, and handling other details in preparation for a trial.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? Another lawyer. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture eventually lets go. I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Why do you say that? Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'. Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge." A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer." A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow." At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings." When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman pinscher. Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors. A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country." What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time." An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

I wanna be a brain surgeon when I grow up!

A Mechanical Engineer Died & Went To Heaven

Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large number of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!

"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!

The Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural America. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field and now I’m going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. After all, how hard could he kick. So he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of will and managed to get onto his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said "Okay, old man .. Now it’s my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Good News

A man calls his lawyer's office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week." The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died." The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?"

The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyer's office."

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