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Interested In A Career With The FBI?

The FBI has a critical need to hire new Special Agents and Professional Support personnel to support and to carry out the honorable mission of the FBI. These vital roles help the agency continue to meet the challenge of global terrorism and homeland security.

In working for the FBI, you will have a daily impact on the nation's security and the quality of life for all U.S. Citizens. A career with the FBI will provide you with a challenging, compelling, and rewarding experience. When you join the FBI, you will find an exceptionally rewarding future. You will excel with an organization of ethnically diverse professional women and men who have a daily impact on the nation's security and the quality-of-life for all U.S. citizens. You will experience the career of a lifetime, that maximizes your particular talents, satisfies your ambitions, and that fits into your personal life. There's never been a more rewarding time to join today's FBI.

Candidates must be a U.S. citizens and consent to a complete background investigation, drug test, and polygraph as a prerequisite for employment. Only those candidates determined to be best qualified will be contacted to proceed in the selection process.

Background Checks Are you applying for work at Baskin Robbins or the FBI? If it’s the latter, that misdemeanor public urination ticket might not hurt you, but you can bet they’ll know about it. In this age of terrorist–until–proven–Republican cynicism, background checks are becoming more common. In a recent study by the Society for Human Resource Management, 82 percent of the employers surveyed investigated potential employees. The scavenging can range from routine reference checks to full–on pre–op probing. And job rank doesn’t matter. According to Jason Morris, president of Background Information Services Inc. it’s the responsibilities of the job that trigger scrutiny. In other words, a Holiday Inn housekeeper may not be banking six figs, but she’s got the keys to your room; it’d be nice to know how many fenced laptops and pairs of spotty, elastic–worn underwear she has on her rap sheet. Always remember, any company that plans on dredging up your past has to get your permission first. However, this is typically done during the job interview, when you’d agree to a spot body cavity search if it would improve your chances. Worried about what a background check might turn up? Here’s a sampler: Your true identity. This is done with a social security check. Your criminal history. This includes any felony or misdemeanor charges within the past seven years. (Many states don’t allow disclosure of anything older than that.) Your driving record. Got a few speeding tickets? Take out a sidewalk full of pedestrians? Don’t hide it, especially if you’re applying for a job that requires you to drive a company car. Your credit history. While your failure to pay your Pier One card won’t ruin your chances of climbing the corporate ladder, finance–related jobs (or jobs that give you check–writing privileges) may balk at your credit history. Employment history. Don’t stretch out empty space on your resume. It’s easy for employers to discover exact dates of employment, titles, and salary histories. Education. This includes verification of degrees, professional licenses, and certifications. If you didn’t get a job because of your past, the Fair Credit Reporting Act requires employers give you a copy of the screening results. If you simply can’t wait to find out how much of your exploits in mopping miscellaneous bodily effluvium have been documented, Careerbuilder.com offers you the chance to screen yourself.

Each new Agent serves a two-year probationary period upon entering on duty with the FBI. However, preference eligible veterans serve a one year probationary period. At the FBI Academy, you will join a class of Special Agent trainees for slightly over 18 weeks of intensive training at one of the world's finest law enforcement training facilities.

Your classroom hours will be spent studying a wide variety of academic and investigative subjects. The FBI Academy curriculum also includes intensive training in physical fitness, defensive tactics, practical application exercises, and the use of firearms. Several tests will be administered in all of these areas to monitor your progress.

Upon successful completion of Academy training, you will graduate and receive the credentials of an FBI Special Agent.

On July 26, 2005, the Federal Bureau of Investigation celebrated 97 years of public service. On that day in the year 1908, Attorney General Charles Bonaparte ordered 9 newly hired detectives, 13 civil rights investigators, and 12 accountants to take on investigative assignments in areas such as antitrust, peonage, and land fraud. Today, that small group of 34 investigators has grown into a cadre of over 30,000 employees.

On September 4, 2001, former U.S. Attorney Robert S. Mueller, III was sworn in as FBI Director (2001 to present) with a specific mandate to upgrade the Bureau's information technology infrastructure, to address records management issues, and to enhance FBI foreign counterintelligence analysis and security in the wake of the damage done by former Special Agent and convicted spy Robert Hanssen.

Within days of his entering on duty, however, the September 11 terrorist attacks were launched against New York and Washington. Director Mueller led the FBI's massive investigative efforts in partnership with all U.S. law enforcement, the federal government, and allies overseas. On October 26, 2001, President George W. Bush signed into law the U.S. Patriot Act, which granted new provisions to address the threat of terrorism, and Director Mueller accordingly accepted on behalf of the Bureau responsibility for protecting the American people against future terrorist attacks. On May 29, 2002, the Attorney General issued revised investigative guidelines to assist the Bureau's counterterrorism efforts

To support the Bureau's change in mission and to meet newly articulated strategic priorities, Director Mueller called for a reengineering of FBI structure and operations to closely focus the Bureau on prevention of terrorist attacks, on countering foreign intelligence operations against the U.S., and on addressing cybercrime-based attacks and other high-technology crimes. In addition, the Bureau remains dedicated to protecting civil rights, combatting public corruption, organized crime, white-collar crime, and major acts of violent crime. The Bureau has also strengthened its support to federal, county, municipal, and international law enforcement partners and has dedicated itself to upgrading its technological infrastructure to successfully meet each of its priorities.

At the start of the new millennium, the FBI stands dedicated to its core values and "Bright Line" ethical standards. Commitment to these values and standards ensures that the FBI effectively carries out its mission: Protect and defend the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats; uphold and enforce the criminal laws of the United States; and provide leadership and criminal justice services to federal, state, municipal, and international agencies and partners

Five Signs The FBI is on to you The mailbox sneezes. Someone snickers during phone sex. Wait a second…who’s been eating all my doughnuts? Your mother suddenly bears a strange resemblance to John Ashcroft. You find a second hidden camera in the shower.

Porno Patrol

With terrorism completely under control and identity theft a rare crime, the FBI is turning its attention to the real criminals: pornographers.

According to the Washington Post, Congress gave the FBI a mandate this year assigning 10 agents to stopping adults from purchasing videos of your favorite starlets in compromising situations. Luckily, we obtained an internal memo from FBI headquarters outlining the qualifications for this very important task force. So start embellishing your resumé, and maybe you can help bust your dad when he tries to purchase Young and Flexible XVII at the local video store.

Anti-Obscenity Task Force Officer

Company: Federal Bureau of Investigation
Salary: $35 per hour (with an extra $200 bonus per day for halting any objects from going from the ass to the mouth)

Successful applicants must be able to:

1. Quickly identify sexual positions such as "doggie style," "cowgirl," "reverse cowgirl," and "Mexican alarm clock"
2. Feign ignorance as to who Ron Jeremy is—but maintain a silent appreciation for his acting skills
3. Maintain focus, awareness, and flaccidity in an environment filled with moaning and ass-slapping distractions
4. Avoid allergic reactions to latex, whipped cream, and anal
5. Understand that Shaving Ryan's Privates is not a sequel to a Tom Hanks' movie
6. Uphold the notion that sex is a dirty, filthy, and disgusting activity that should not be enjoyed by anyone—especially Democrats

Squad members will also be expected to complete the following courses at FBI Academy (graduates of Arizona State are exempt from taking these courses):

1. "I'm Here to Fix the Cable" and Other Porno Lies
2. Sex Toys 101: Dildo Classification
3. Identifying Fake Breasts: Are They Real, and Who Cares?
4. Just Close Your Eyes and Hold On: How to Survive as a Fluffer
5. From the Roman Coliseum to Under the Floorboards of Your Older Brothers' Room: A History of Pornographic Consumption

Maxim

Has FBI profiling ever directly led to the capture of a serial killer?

Just because you’re still a free man doesn’t mean profiling doesn’t work. But to be sure, we asked one of the world’s top profilers, John Douglas, former chief of the FBI’s Center for Analysis of Violent Crime. Since he helped nab several serial killers, Douglas’ short answer is yes. But he’s quick to add, "Police solve the case; I just provide an investigative tool.” For example, after a rash of child murders in Atlanta 25 years ago, the media began reporting that police were finding clues on the victims’ bodies. Douglas postulated that the killer would see the news and start dumping corpses in rivers to destroy the evidence. So police staked out bridges and, sure enough, caught Wayne Williams trying to sink his dirty work. Of course, profiling doesn’t always help, which is why, say, Chandra Levy’s murderer is still free. And there are plenty of hacks in the business, too. "The media want talking heads to shoot their mouths off,” Douglas says, "and there are plenty of self-ordained ‘profilers’ who do it.” Great, now we feel guilty for being self-ordained bikini inspectors…Nah, we don’t.

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