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Take My Advice. I'm Not Using It!

I don’t play craps, but I know how you should play if you must. One of the best ways is to play the pass line. The house has an edge of about 1.4 percent on this bet. If you roll 2, 3, or 12, you lose; 7 or 11, you win. With a 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, or 10, you should take “full odds” (ask the stickman for the odds on the table). In this case, suppose you can make a bet of 10 times the original bet (10x odds) on rolling that number be­fore rolling a 7. This effectively re­­duces the house edge to about 0.2 percent. That’s the best wager around. If you can’t afford to take full odds, move to a small­er table where you can. For the advanced player, bet the come line after each missed point and take full odds on those bets.

There aren’t any definitive numbers, but studies of prison lovin’ reached terrifying conclusions: About one in five male inmates suffers sexual abuse in the stony not-so-lonesome, while about one in 10 is actually raped. Turns out that besides the hot lesbian action, gritty prison movies are pretty accurate: The typical victim is a young, shrimpy first-time nonviolent offender, and the assaults involve copious amounts of violence. Wussy prisoners can score some protection by signing on as a bigger prisoner’s bitch, but then they’re usually bought and sold like prostitutes. My advice? Quit jaywalking.

A son, his father, and his grandfather are ready to start a round of golf. The starter walks up and asks if he could pair the men up with a fourth. Though they are hesitant, the men accept. Soon, a beautiful blonde woman walks to the tee and they all start the round. The woman is playing perfectly and is even par on the last hole. Eyeing her 15-foot putt for birdie, she asks the men for some advice. "I have never shot under par," she says, "and whoever gives me the best advice so that I can make this putt will get a blow job." The son hops up and says, "You should aim three inches left and hit it pretty hard." His dad interrupts: "No, no. Hit it four inches to the left and softly." The grandfather walks up, stares at the ball for awhile and says, "Pick it up; it's a gimmie."

If you want better sex, don’t listen to your guy friends. You think those chumps know any more than you? There are any number of experts out there who, when asked, will spew all sorts of sex advice. There’s Dr. Beverly Whipple, the tireless genital investigator who wrote an entire book on the G spot (I read it from cover to cover in high school); Dr. Ruth, the Yoda-like boinkmeister who makes doing the deed sound about as sexy as third-grade math; and that guy who wrote Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask, who’s probably dead by now. But what about the real sex experts? The hot and horny individuals who you seldom hear from because they’re too busy banging their brains out—porn stars, playboys, erotic masseurs, dominatrixes? These are the people we should be pumping for sex tips. Look at it this way: Would you rather learn how to nail a curve at 95 mph from a dorky driver-ed teacher or a three-time Indy 500 winner? Enough said.

If you want to win a girl back, just disappear. Don’t call, don’t write. She’ll go crazy and want you back right away. My advice to you is to party your face off every night. Befriend strippers; run up world-class bar tabs. Try to put an “All You Can Eat Ribs” chain out of business.

I think it’s important for guys to treat girls with a lot of respect. Put the lady first. They’re delicate flowers. There’s my advice: Treat girls like princesses, because they are. Cutting your target off from her support group makes it easier to lead her astray. Ah, romance.

My advice for poker is to cheat (that’s pretty much my answer for everything). Don’t be greedy. You have to walk away with their cash and not have them suspect anything. Make a series of bad bets with marginal hands to distribute most of your profits back to the table. Get over the thought that what you’ve done is basically the same as stealing. When you’re neck-deep in bad guys the fastest reload is a second gun.

Cure Bee Stings with Meat Tenderizer:

Make sure the stinger is removed. Make a paste with meat tenderizer and water and apply to the skin (the enzymes in the tenderizer break down proteins in bee venom). Plus, if things turn bad and you kick the bucket, your flesh will be nice and juicy for the rest of your stranded party.

Relieve Burns with Mashed Potatoes:

For a minor burn, mix instant mashed potatoes with enough water to make a thick paste, and apply to the burn (you can also use mustard in a pinch). Once the pain subsides, remove the paste, apply Preparation H, and cover with a fresh sterile bandage to speed the healing.

Soothe Insect Bites with Aspirin:

Whether it’s a mosquito or other biting insectoid, wetting the skin and rubbing an aspirin tablet over the spot will help control inflammation. To relieve the itching, rub some suntan lotion onto the bite.

Shave with Bosco:

Out of Barbasol? Reach for the baby oil or Bosco chocolate syrup. Sure, it costs a little more than soap and water—but if you were that smart, you probably wouldn’t be getting medical advice from us.

Make a Compass out of Cork:

Hopelessly lost with a patient to evacuate? All you need is a sewing needle, a magnet, and a piece of cork. Run the magnet the length of your needle a few times, all in the same direction. Gently set the needle across the top of the cork and float your compass in a steady cup of water. Voilà! It’ll point to the closest pole (as long as it’s not Andrew Golota).

Freeze Flies with Hair Spray

Few things are more satisfying than killing an obnoxious fly, but the tough part is catching it. Not anymore: Spray it with hair spray, which will stiffen its wings. Now you can pluck off its legs at your leisure.

Kill Ants with Soap

Got ants in your pants? Nothing works like Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap, which uses a potent peppermint oil that ants just can’t handle. Mix three tablespoons with 16 ounces of water in a spray bottle and squirt it right on the little buggers. After a few entertaining seconds of writhing agony, they’ll be dead. To take out a whole colony, add one cup to a bucket of boiling water and pour directly on the hill.

Drown Bees with Beer

Get a clean, empty jar and fill it three-quarters full with beer (our scientific research shows that insects prefer Pabst Blue Ribbon), punch several holes in the lid, and place where bees, wasps, and yellow jackets like to pollinate. Like us, they love beer, and like our poor Uncle Lou, when they try to get some of the brew, they drown. A similar setup works with slugs—just don’t use a lid, and only fill it halfway.

Explode Cockroaches with Baking Soda

Overrun by cockroaches? First try cleaning your house, you filthy slob. If that still doesn’t do the trick, kill the buggers off the fun way. Start by mixing one tablespoon of sugar with a half-cup of baking soda; sprinkle this mixture liberally in corners and crevices. After the roaches walk through the powder, they’ll lick it off their feet. Since they can’t digest the baking soda or burp out the gas it produces, they’ll explode.

Keep Pests Outta Your Yard with Pepper

To keep dogs, rabbits, and other sniffing animals out of your garden, sprinkle black pepper around the flowers. If you need to keep deer away from crops, hang bars of soap around the perimeter. For woodchucks and raccoons, try sprinkling a few tablespoons of Epsom salt. It’ll keep the varmints away, even if it unfortunately doesn’t kill them.

Quiet a Drip with String

When that faucet bangs like a gong in your hangover-cursed head, you could perform a 4 a.m. washer replacement, or just tie a string to the faucet and put the end in the drain. The water will run down without a sound.

Seal a Punctured Hose with a Toothpick

Take a toothpick and stick it into the puncture hole (assuming you didn’t cut it with a broadsword), snap the toothpick flush with the hose’s skin, and then wrap securely with packing tape. When you turn on the hose, the toothpick will absorb the water and swell to seal the hole.

Spackle with Toothpaste

Before you paint your house with milk, fill those holes with a small dab of toothpaste or Elmer’s glue. Be sure to let the spackle dry before painting over.

Use a Slinky to Improve Reception

Slinkys will work in a pinch when you’re trying to get better TV or radio reception—during the Vietnam War, soldiers would toss a Slinky over a high tree branch and use it as a makeshift antenna. Unfortunately, they don’t do much to unscramble that porn channel (trust us).

Make Fertilizer from Beer

Backyard looking like the Outback? Skip the expensive fertilizers and mix one cup each of Epsom salt, mouthwash, liquid soap, and ammonia in a one-quart jar. Fill remaining space with beer. You’ll have enough to cover 2,500 square feet of lawn, and if you use the treatment in May and late June, your grass will be greener than a seasick leprechaun.

Paint Your House with Milk

Got no paint, but a bomb shelter full of powdered milk? Mix 1 1/2 cups of powder with 1/2 cup of water until it’s the consistency of paint; add food coloring to create the desired hue. Brush on, wait a day, and then add a second coat. If even powdered milk is scarce, mix 1/4 cup of cornstarch with two cups of water and boil until thick. It doesn’t go as well with your Frosted Flakes, but it does the job.

Make Rubber Cement from Old Shoes

Out of glue and in a bind? Take bits of rubber from your sneakers or old tires and dissolve them in gasoline until they reach a pastelike consistency. Now you have the perfect substance to make fake boogers.

Keep Your Battery Corrosion Free

Smear the terminals with ChapStick or Vaseline to keep them looking brand-spanking-new. If you didn’t plan that far ahead, pour a can of soda over the terminals—the carbonation will bubble away the corrosion. What’s left can be scrubbed away with a toothbrush—ideally not yours.

Boost Your Battery with Bayer

If you’re faced with a dead battery, you can get one more start out of it by dropping in two aspirin tablets into the battery itself—the acetylsalicylic acid combines with the sulfuric acid to get off one more charge.

Keep Your Hood Looking Good with Pam

Few things, shy of cleaning a Porta-Potti with your tongue, are less fun than scraping bug guts off your car. So before your next long trip, cover your hood and grille with cooking spray, then hose off the carcasses once you get back. It’ll also keep your car doors from freezing shut in the winter if you spray the rubber lining before bedtime. To remove tar without damaging the finish, dab with suntan lotion and rub lovingly until the tar glides away.

Use Oven Cleaner on Your Driveway

If your car leaves puddles and skids, spray oven cleaner onto the grease and oil stains, wait a few minutes, then use a hose to wash it into the water supply.

Fix a Radiator Leak with Pepper

Got a leak? Add a teaspoon of unground black pepper to your radiator. The pepper sinks to the bottom, finds its way into small holes, and expands, filling them.

Replace Your Fan Belt with Pantyhose

Fan belt busted? As long as you brought your girlfriend, no problem. Take a pair of pantyhose and twist it into a long cord, then carefully thread it around the pulleys on the engine and water pump. Pull it tight, knot it, and drive to the nearest Mr. Goodwrench.

WD-40: Is there anything it can’t do?

Ever since the Rocket Chemical Company first started selling the stuff out of the company car 40 years ago, people have found that WD-40 is the solution to just about any problem.

• Spray it on your fishing bait to remove human scent. Some fish are even attracted to the WD-40 smell itself.
• If your car is firing but the engine won’t turn over, spray some WD-40 into the carburetor (in a car with fuel injection, spray into the air intake valve) and it’ll start.
• To get gum off your shoe, squirt it on, wait a few minutes, and then pull the gum right off.
• Keep dogs, cats, raccoons, and that homeless guy out of your trash can by coating it with a thin layer to cover up the odor.
• Spray it on a shovel to keep snow from sticking. In the same vein, spray it on your lawn mower’s blades to keep them grass free.
• A regular dousing will prevent your car’s hoses and fan belts from drying and cracking like Joan Rivers’ face.
• Remove lipstick stains that your, um, wife left on your collar—or any other stain, for that matter. Just squirt it on the spot before washing.

Pundits promise money, sex — all the secrets of life. They have the most expert advice on getting rich, losing weight, meeting models, and memorizing the dictionary. Consider this: Ten years from now you’ll be fat, bald, and angry, in a dead-end job, with three kids that make your life a living hell ... and it’ll all be worth it.

Straight Talk Snappy romantic farce features Dolly Parton as a loquacious homespun secretary who mistakenly becomes a popular pop psychologist on a Chicago radio station. Newspaper reporter James Woods investigates her phony background, but rather than write an expose of her past, he falls in love with her.

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