Which of God’s creatures is the best chick magnet?
Any guy who’s ever had a dog knows that women on the street give you the time of day when you walk your hound. They stop to pat Fido affectionately on the head and, oddly, seem to naturally place their trust in you as well. But what if we take it one step further: If a dog is that good at defusing the defenses of the finer sex and drawing them over, then what about a monkey? Or a snake? Or a ferret? And so, to find out which denizen of the animal kingdom is the best woman-fetcher, we took five four-legged (and no-legged) friends for a stroll, a scurry, and a slither around New York City’s Central Park and some nearby streets. We gave them an hour each to see what they could dig up. Attaboy.
Quincy, a bush baby
Cost: $3,000
Image it projects: You’re a sensitive soul, a lover of all creatures great and small (particularly creatures that net booty).
Number and type of women attracted: 30, of all shapes and kinds
Verdict: Good monkey. You’d have to be covered in cat piss and open sores not to score with a bush baby. These prosimians live in the dense treetops of sub-Saharan Africa, but as Quincy proved, they would also flourish on the jaded New York singles scene. Quincy’s first victim was a 25-year-old ice-cream saleswoman. She ditched her cart full of Ben & Jerry’s to run over and stroke his slippery, soft fur. By far the biggest catch of the day was a group of giggling high school seniors from Indiana (ah, jailbait) with nurturing instincts in overdrive. Joyously shouting, "We want to pet your monkey!” they braved a busy intersection and surrounded tester and monkey as if the pair were giving away fake IDs.
Best comment: "Your little monkey is just so-o-o soft.”
Everyone needs to feel secure.
Izzy, an iguana
Cost: $400
Image it projects: You are an outsider willing to take on an inscrutable pet few but yourself will ever love—yep, you’re a loser.
Number and type of women attracted: Four, all of them under five years old
Verdict: A guy with a lizard evokes a curious mixture of contempt, disgust, and pity in a woman’s eyes. As our tester patrolled the area with Izzy, the ladies gave both of them sidelong glances and stared expressionlessly. What, after all, is a woman supposed to say to a man walking a gangly, spine-covered reptile? Fact is, lizards aren’t soft, don’t smell good, and have small, unblinking, voyeuristic eyes. To make matters worse, Izzy spooked upon seeing a dog and scrambled up our tester’s arm, leaving three inch-long bloody scratches on his wrist. Had there been a refrigerator nearby, our tester would surely have rammed Izzy’s saurian ass in the deep freeze.
Best comment: "My friend had one of those,” said a guy in his mid-20s. "Ripped the shit out of his arm.”
Fat Boy, a parrot
Cost: $800–900
Image it projects: Ar-r-r-gh, matey! You’re a pirate. A sad, lonely pirate.
Number and type of women attracted: 0
Verdict: Some women looked, some women smiled, but none of them really gave a shit that our man had a parrot. Why? "People see birds all the time,” explains longtime animal handler Duke Lee, "so unless the bird talks, folks aren’t inclined to pay much attention to them.” What was truly sad was, Fat Boy could talk and even say "Hello. I’m Fat Boy,” but the damned bird kept his beak shut. The least he could have done was step up to the plate with a rudimentary "Polly want a threesome!”
Best comment: "Squawk.”
Couldn't help it ma, that first step is a killer.
Monk, a python
Cost: $150
Image it projects: You’re a daring adventurer with a dark and wild heart. You also have a huge cock.
Number and type of women attracted: 12 fascinated and possibly sexually enterprising Eve types
Verdict: Freud was right about some things. Right from the get-go, our tester, with a serpent wrapped around his neck like a writhing gym towel, got strong reactions. As man and snake crossed a bridge, a pair of twentysomethings ran for the railing. But other women cautiously approached, unable to take their eyes off Monk. The most promising candidate: a blonde in her early 20s sporting tan legs and cutoffs who was transfixed by the reptile. She crossed the road, leaving behind two accompanying men, and quizzed the tester giddily. "How’d you get him? How long have you had him? How long have you been walking around with him?” Ever so gently, our guy coaxed her into touching it.
Best comment: "Will he lick me? I don’t want him to lick me.”
Theo, a ferret
Cost: $150
Image it projects: You’re a silly, mischievous guy. Unfortunately, your pet rodent inspires vague negative images of Richard Gere.
Number and type of women attracted: Three somewhat dry types who would have been attracted to anything moving
Verdict: Lots of women looked at the ferret, but most seemed slightly repulsed. When our tester asked a semicurious walker with nice legs and curly blonde hair if she wanted to pet Theo, she stared hesitantly and finally said, "No, that’s OK,” and quickly moved on. The most common reaction women had was a simple desire to identify what the hell the guy was holding. "Oh, it’s a ferret,” the ladies would say flatly as they strolled past, almost as if they were disappointed that it wasn’t something better (like a snake?). Despite Theo’s sunny, cuddly personality, he was, after all, a beady-eyed rodent that most women would rather wear than love.
Best comment: "Oh, look. A whatchamacallit.”
These morning walks are killing me!!!!
How They Scored
Bush Baby
Pros: Highly affectionate, comedic.
Cons: Being nocturnal, it may wake up at 3 a.m. wanting to call Zimbabwe.
South American Green Iguana
Pros: Low maintenance. Takes criticism well. Doubles as sculpture.
Cons: Has the personality of a bookcase.
Yellow-fronted Amazon Parrot
Pros: A lifelong companion. Lives 100 years. Talks.
Cons: See above.
Albino Burmese Python
Pros: Needs food only once every 2 weeks.
Cons: Grows to 20 feet. Forget to feed and it may try to squeeze you for a Happy Meal.
Common Ferret
Pros: More entertaining than TV.
Cons: Unless you remove its scent glands, you will smell like hearty, musky urine.
These prostheses are man’s best friend’s best friends.
Fido hasn’t been the same since you put him under the knife. He’s stopped humping the sofa, but he’s also lost some of his inner puppy. And every time you notice him sadly licking that little bare patch where ... well, it makes you feel guilty for listening to that meddling ASPCA in the first place.
Yes, what the world needs now is testicular implants for dogs. Well, Spot, pine no longer: Neuticles are here! "Over 35,000 dogs, cats, horses, and bulls have gotten our implants, with not one whisper of a complication,” brags Neuticles inventor Gregg Miller. His patented replacement bulbs, available in five sizes and ranging in price from $25 to $129, can be inserted during a standard neutering or years later. You can go with classic rock-hard polyprophylene or soft and natural solid silicone. Only your veterinarian will know for sure.
Jason Kersten. When Animals Attract. Shane Mooney. Pet Rocks. Maxim. September 1999 / March 2000.
