Home : Hockey Players :A Cult Of Personalities
Could it be that making stars out of a bunch of Euro mulletheads is impossible? “As a fan my main concern is that I don’t know these guys,” Gordie Howe laments. “They’ve got to get the new players better recognition.” After all, the NFL and NBA have become massively successful by developing larger-than-life personalities (Favre! Shaq! Sapp! Iverson!) and then hyping the hell out of their match-ups. Fans root for personalities, and right now the only hockey player anyone’s heard of is Mario Lemieux, a once-retired French-Canadian with all the charisma of a celery stick. “I think it’s a bit of a concern, and I don’t say that to be critical of European players,” Gretzky says. “But there’s no question that some of them struggle with English during interviews.” But one look at Seattle Mariners sensation Ichiro Suzuki, who doesn’t speak a word of English, tells us it’s worth a shot. “We don’t market our individual players enough,” Melrose says. “We should be pushing them to be in places like Maxim. Look at Dennis Rodman—love him or hate him, he got people who aren’t fans to watch basketball.” When done right, hockey can win a face-off against any sport. Only in hockey could a 45-year-old coach who’d never played goal in his career strap on the bloody pads of his fallen goalie and win Game 2 of the Stanley Cup finals in overtime. On April 7, 1928, as his only goalie lay unconscious, New York Rangers head coach Lester Patrick took the ice and stopped all but one shot through two periods and a sudden-death overtime.
On February 1, 1959, New York Rangers thug Lou Fontinato came looking for trouble. “I pretended I didn’t see him,” Detroit Red Wings Hall of Famer Gordie Howe (Mr. Hockey) said. “When he swung, I pulled my head aside and his honker was right there, so I drilled it.” Then he drilled it again. “With every blow,” said Detroit’s Lefty Wilson, “you could hear something break—squish, squish.” Although he's known these days as the NHL's most prolific goal-scorer and biggest star before that Gretzky kid came along, back in the day Gordie was known as a tough bastard. His patented "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" included a goal, an assist, and a fight. He also played a shift in the IHL at the ripe old age of 80, when most men consider fully emptying their bowels into their own personal Stanley Cup. The next time some New York Yankee billionaire sits out six weeks for a an over-extended pinkie finger: think about Toronto Maple Leafs’ defenseman Bob Baun, after breaking his ankle ("It's just a sprain") blocking a slap shot and shattering it, is carried off the ice on a stretcher during Game 6 of the 1964 Stanley Cup finals, Baun insisted on having his broken bone frozen and taped so he can return to the ice and score the game-winning goal in overtime. The non-hockey equivalent is Kirk Gibson, after hitting his famous limping World Series home run, is shot in the leg by a sniper and repeatedly tackled on his way around the bases. In a 1998 New Year’s Eve game, the Pittsburgh Penguins against the New Jersey Devils, Mario Lemieux did more than just score eight points. He became the only player to score a goal in every conceivable way in one game: even strength, power play, short-handed, penalty shot, empty net. The baseball equivalent is a pencil-necked baseball player that hits a one-, two-, and three-run home run, a grand slam, and an inside-the-park dinger all in one nine-inning game. Don’t hold your breath. There are moments in hockey history when true champions rise to the challenge. And there are moments like this. On March 3, 1920, a day of which Canadians were supposed to be proud, with native son James “I never tire of hearing, ‘Beam me up, Scotty’” Doohan born to a virgin on a Vancouver ice farm. But just six provinces away, hockey grate Frank Brophy conspired to despoil an otherwise glorious day in Beaver Nation with the single most porous performance in the history of goaltending. Signed as a free agent four months earlier by the NHL’s Quebec Bulldogs, Brophy “retired” 21 games later as the all-time record-holder for most goals allowed in a game. On what was likely a butt-ass cold day in a game versus the Montreal Canadiens, the Human Sluice, as he was referred to just now, fought as would any quasi-Frenchman charged with guarding something, surrendering 16 goals, or the equivalent of 1.2 hat tricks per opposing player. Not only did he willingly cede to the opposition, but the Padded Sieve had his teammates interred at a makeshift concentration camp to further appease his new masters. Other men have spent entire lifetimes living down lesser failures. Fortunately for Frank, he had only 10 years to lament his pitiable performance—and the one three days later in which he forfeited 11 goals…and his career average of 7.11 goals per game…and his 3–18 record. Brophy mercifully died in 1930 at the age of 29. In a sport renowned for its brutality, it takes a special kind of asshole to break the NHL record for penalty minutes in a game, a challenge L.A. Kings defenseman Randy Holt was more than willing to accept. In a 1979 game against Philadelphia’s Broad Street Bullies, Holt received one minor, three majors, two 10-minute misconducts, and three game misconducts, for a total of nine penalties. In the first period. The totality of Holt’s indiscretions amounted to a record 67 minutes in the box. For you Kentucky folk, there are only 60 minutes in a hockey game. Let us back up…sixty-seven is more than 60…nevermind… The Kings went on to lose, 6–3, continuing a tradition of consecutive losses to the Flyers that lasted eight years, in which they went 0–27–5. Meanwhile, Randy went on to enter the exciting worlds of used car and insurance sales before assaulting two schoolteachers in a non-contact old-timers hockey game, breaking the mouth of one, and the nose of the other. Don’t feel too bad for Randy, who now gets to spend the majority of his days lounging around the house taking drugs on account of head trauma resulting from two separate auto accidents, including one where he was hit by a truck while crossing the street. Psychologist Dr. Allan Mandel, on Holt’s condition: “People know that Randy could be a wild guy on the ice, but that was a very circumscribed type of response, and he was paid to do that. ” As for beating up those teachers? Call it a freebie!
San Jose defenseman Bryan Marchment, an All-American Bastard, has destroyed so many knees, you’d think he’s getting kickbacks from the American Society of Orthopedic Surgeons. "He’s become famous for intentionally hurting people,” says Mike Gibb of The Hockey News. "There’s no doubt that he’s trying to take someone out of the game.” Marchment has made a specialty of stalking the opponent’s star player and applying a check that makes the knee ligaments snap like bikini straps in a porno. He’s served suspensions for giving crippling knee injuries to three players, the most notorious of which involved the Dallas Stars’ best player, Joe Nieuwendyk, during a ’98 playoff game (Nieuwendyk missed all of the next season). He served another suspension for calling Vancouver’s African-American left winger, Donald Brashear, "a big monkey.” "Marchment is Public Enemy Number One,” boasts his own teammate, goalie Steve Shields. Where’s the FBI when you need ’em? | ||||||||||
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