Remember way back to 2003-04 with the trap that led to the clutching and grabbing making end-to-end rushes scarce? Goal scoring became as tough as pulling teeth. While true, isn’t that gritty, hard nose attitude an aspect of our sport which makes it unique? Getting to the goal, losing a couple of teeth in the process, then having blood streaming down your face as you raise your hands after a goal – now that’s hockey! Every night, these NHL workhorses left more blood, sweat and tears on the ice than Tanya Harding.
Hockey players' ability to absorb punishment on and off the ice covers the spectrum from "oh man" to "are you f-ing kidding me?" The next time your favorite baseball player is sidelined with diaper rash or your NBA team's star center is out 3-4 weeks with hurt feelings, consider the hockey player. The man who refuses to let little things like broken bones or attempted vehicular manslaughter stop them from missing a shift.
Doug Jarvis
Tough Guy Cred: Still the all-time "Iron Man"
Sure, Jarvis looked exactly like the scrawny red-haired kid in Can't Buy Me Love who gets his house shat on, but you can't play 964 consecutive NHL games without a high pain tolerance and a set of steel nerves. In fact, Jarvis still holds the league record for least time spent pussing out in the press box with an injury.
Doug Gilmour
Tough Guy Cred: Only 5'11'', 175 pounds, still known as "Killer"
Given his size and his ability to tap dance around dumbstruck defensemen, Gilmour could have gotten away with being a finesse player. Instead, he set out to prove the Fight Club line, "skinny guys fight 'til they're burger." If Gilmour ended up in the locker room without blood trickling down his grinning face, he played a bad game. Defined "fearless."
Wendel Clark
Tough Guy Cred: It's not fair when goons can score, too
If Doug Gilmour was the scrappy Chihuahua nipping at your heels, fellow Maple Leaf Wendel Clark was the bulldog. It's demoralizing to an opposing team when one guy goes out and beats up their whole bench—it's abject humiliation when that same guy also unleashes his killer wrist shot for two or three goals in between penalties. Any wonder why, six years after this retirement, #17 is still bigger than Jesus in Toronto?
Dave Semenko
Tough Guy Cred: Gretzky's bodyguard.
The term "cement head" was practically coined for Semenko. He played helmet-less, and had a Cro-Magnon brow ridge that would rattle even the toughest guys in the league if it frowned in their direction. The guy so intimidated everyone that he had to look for fights outside the rink, and even there he didn't think small: In 1983, Semenko fought an exhibition against Muhammad Ali. Yes, that Muhammad Ali. The former Edmonton Oilers enforcer was known for two things: Having a head the size, shape, and density of a cinder block, and for beating the will to live out of anyone who dared sneer in Wayne Gretzky's direction.
Todd Bertuzzi
Tough Guy Cred: Everything leading up to "The Incident"
Bertuzzi will forever be blacklisted for cheap-shotting Colorado Avalanche forward Steve Moore and breaking his neck, and that's kind of a shame. Before that, he was the prototypical power forward—wracking up goals by going through defensemen, not around them, and wracking up penalty minutes by shutting up anyone who complained.
Peter Forsberg
Tough Guy Cred: This guy's Swedish?
European players are supposed to skate real pretty-like and butcher our language—that's it. They aren't supposed to dominate a game the way Forsberg does. He has moves gorgeous enough to be immortalized on a Swedish postage stamp (his game-winner against Canada in the 1994 Winter Olympics), and the badassness to come back to hockey after having his fucking spleen removed.
Billy Smith
Tough Guy Cred: Did nothing to dispel the notion that all goalies are batshit insane
"Battlin'" Billy Smith hated the other team. Not in a healthy, competitive way, but in a dangerous way. He still holds the record for most penalty minutes by a goaltender for his liberal use of a goal stick. He also once got so angry at Mike Bossy that Smith had to be tackled and held down to keep from killing the superstar — and they were teammates at the time.
Gordie Howe
Tough Guy Cred: The "Gordie Howe Hat Trick"
Although he's known these days as the NHL's most prolific goal-scorer and biggest star before that Gretzky kid came along, back in the day Gordie was known as a tough bastard. His patented "hat trick" included a goal, an assist, and a fight. He also played a shift in the IHL at the ripe old age of 80, when most men consider fully emptying their bowels into their own personal Stanley Cup.
Maurice Richard
Tough Guy Cred: The "Blackout" Goal
Most athletes will have a healthy meal and then nap the day of a game in order to save their energy. Well, back in 1944 they made guys out of sterner stuff. "The Rocket" spent an entire day moving his family into a new house—even hefting a piano up several flights of stairs—right before rushing to the rink for a game against the Detroit Red Wings. An exhausted Richard only managed to score 5 times and assist on 3 others to lead Montreal to a 9-1 route. They don't make 'em like they used to. But his toughest moment came in the 1952 Stanley Cup Finals: With blood streaming down his face from a previous blow to the head, Richard scored the Cup-clinching goal. He would later claim to have no memory of doing so.
Bob Probert
Tough Guy Cred: The All-Time Heavyweight Champ
The term "goon" is usually used to describe guys who can't contribute anything to a game, so they just go out and beat people up. But in Probert's bruised hands, this actually became an art form. Other teams would dress notorious fighters only when they played against Probert, and soon, people began to refer to certain games like title fights. It wasn't, say, "Red Wings vs. Devils" or "Red Wings vs. Maple Leafs," but rather "Bob Probert vs. Troy Crowder" or "Bob Probert vs. Tie Domi."
Bob Baun
Tough Guy Cred: "It's just a sprain."
Think about this the next time some New York Yankee billionaire sits out six weeks for a an over-extended pinkie finger: In the 1964 Stanley Cup Finals, Leafs defenseman Bob Baun blocked a slap shot with his ankle and shattered it. He limped off the ice for a few minutes, wrapped up the ankle, came back on the ice for overtime, and scored the game-winning goal.
Gino Odjick
Tough Guy Cred: Known as "The Maniwaki Mauler"
A full-blooded Algonquin from Maniwaki, Quebec (hence the nickname), Odjick was six-feet-three-inches, 225 pounds of "What are you looking at, paleface?" During his stint in Vancouver, Odjick was put on a line with superstar Pavel Bure for the sole reason of steamrolling everyone out of the diminutive Russian's way.
Scott Stevens
Tough Guy Cred: "The Hit"
Eric Lindros was nicknamed "The Next One" because he was supposed to be the talent of Wayne Gretzky in the body of a pro wrestler. But we'll never know, because once the hulking youngster's head met Scott Stevens' shoulder in a vicious-but clean-open-ice hit during the 2000 playoffs, he was forever reduced to a glass-jawed pushover. Stevens, already a feared hitter, was now canonized as one of the most intimidating blueline warriors ever. Anyone who isn't concussed to a vegetative state remembers Stevens as one of the most feared hitters in the NHL. But his toughness went even further than that. In January 2004, he was diagnosed with a concussion and forced to sit out. When did the concussion occur? During Game Three of a 2003 playoff game against Tampa Bay when he took a slapshot to the head. Not only did Stevens score the game-winning goal in Game Four, he went through the whole summer, training camp, and half the next season before thinking, "Hm…you know what? I think I got hurt back there."
Mark Messier
Tough Guy Cred: "The Guarantee"
Messier already had a rep as big, strong, fast, and mean, but he really showed what kind of brass ones he was packing in 1994: With the Rangers a game away from elimination at the hands of rival New Jersey, "The Captain" gathered the notoriously unmerciful New York press around and flat-out guaranteed victory. He then went out and scored three straight third-period goals to beat the Devils. The Rangers went on to win the series and their first Stanley Cup in 54 years.
Mario Lemieux
Tough Guy Cred: He beat cancer
The six-foot-four, 220 pound Lemieux has scored with more guys on his back than Paris Hilton, but he really proved he wasn't as soft as his French accent would suggest when he stared down Hodgkin's lymphoma in 1992. Not only did he let the disease sideline him for all of two months, on the day of his final radiation treatment, he went out and scored a goal and an assist against Philadelphia. He also continued to be one of the game's all time greats for another 10 years.
Don Cherry
Tough Guy Cred: Hockey's answer to John Madden
He may dress like a mafia pimp, but the former coach and Hockey Night in Canada commentator is adored by the beer-and-lunchpail hockey faithful. In a sport where every player spouts the same, politically correct clichés, Cherry shoots off at the mouth every chance he gets (loves tough guys, hates Europeans, thinks French-Canadians are wusses). Cherry doesn't care if you can deke a goalie blindfolded—if you can spit out your own teeth and keep playing, you're one of "his boys."
George Laraque
Speaking of fighters, Laraque is one of the most feared pugilists on the ice. How badass is he? Before fights, he's been known to wish the other guy good luck and then grin at him while waiting for the first punch. He's also a vegan. So wrap your head around that.
Pat Verbeek
While working on his family's farm during the off-season early in his career, the 5'9" Verbeek (nicknamed, no joke, "The Little Ball of Hate") had his thumb completely severed off by a corn thresher. While his brother drove him 20 miles to the nearest hospital, Papa Verbeek dug the thumb out of the machine and doctors were able to re-attach it. Pat went on to have a long and successful NHL run.
Brendan Witt
While out getting coffee in the City of Brotherly Love, New York Islanders defenseman Witt was run down by an SUV. As bystanders gathered, Witt got up, brushed himself off, and calmly got his latte. He also played the game that night.
New York Ranger Darius Kasparaitis
What’s up with your face, bro?
Black Eye
I got this black eye from breaking my nose, which I’ve done five or six times. I just stop the bleeding, snap it back, take an Advil to forget about the pain, and keep playing.
Split Lip
Sometimes you pay a price for how you play. I’ll pay the price. Like when I split my lip playing in Russia—they stitched it right there on the bench, without Novocaine.
Busted Brow
I head-checked Tim Connolly of the Buffalo Sabres. He was out for two months. The Sabres called me a dirty player. I just play hard, and if you play hard, you get hurt.
Hard-Nosed
I don’t have rivals, but other players try to sucker-punch me. It’s not like I’m a mean person—my wife thinks I’m beautiful.
I felt pretty good out there, and I’ve got to hand it to my teammates, but it’s only one game, so we better come to play tomorrow night.” We’ve all heard that Bull Durham-esque claptrap before. Jocks live by the cliché. They don’t want to piss off their coaches, they don’t want to piss off their teammates, and they certainly don’t want to piss off the companies paying them millions to promote their products. All of this means that, sadly, the best sports secrets and stories never make it onto the airwaves to bless our anxious ears.
Tiger Williams, however, has nothing to lose he's emptied his locker for the last time. He couldn’t care less what anybody thinks, because he's already a god. The former Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer who holds the NHL career record for penalty minutes. Life in the penalty box ain’t exactly a Martha Stewart soiree. "The box was kind of a gross place to go,” recalls Williams. "The guys in there are bleeding and got bloody noses. They have greenies and yellows and drip all over the boards, and no one’s cleaned the place since 1938.”
So before Williams went to this minimum-security sewer, he made sure he got his licks in, as in this classic confrontation with pugnacious New York Islander goalie Billy Smith. "Smith was good and sneaky, and he’d use his stick like a fuckin’ ax,” laughs Williams. "I remember one time, he fucking two-handed me in the back of the calf—there’s no padding there—and I thought he broke my fucking leg. He cut me down like a tree.”
But payback, as Smith would learn, is a bitch. "I was waiting to get him. I can’t remember if it took me one game or 10 more games. But I hit him right across the neck, as hard as I could. I was going to cut his head right off. The only thing that pissed me off was that I didn’t cut his head off (what to do with an opponent’s head after you’ve cut it off). I was going to catch his head and throw it in the fucking stands.” Although Maple Leafs fans were deprived of what would have been the ultimate souvenir, Smith was knocked as cold as the ice he kissed.
Bad Face Day. . April 2006.
Eric Alt. Hockey Players Are Tough. . December 10, 2009.
