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function text() {
};

text = new text();
number = 0;

// textArray
text[number++] = "1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing."
text[number++] = "42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot."
text[number++] = "99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."
text[number++] = "A .44 Magnum beats four aces."
text[number++] = "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
text[number++] = "A closed mouth gathers no foot."
text[number++] = "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."
text[number++] = "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
text[number++] = "A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way."
text[number++] = "A fool and his money are soon partying."
text[number++] = "A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party."
text[number++] = "A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne"
text[number++] = "A hardware store has a sign that reads: Today's special. (Then below it in pencil): So's tomorrow."
text[number++] = "A husband expects his wife to be perfect … and to understand why he's not."
text[number++] = "A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need."
text[number++] = "A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."
text[number++] = "A penny saved is worthless."
text[number++] = "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."
text[number++] = "A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle."
text[number++] = "A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
text[number++] = "A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire"
text[number++] = "A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
text[number++] = "A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers."
text[number++] = "A wedding ring is like a tourniquet it cuts off your circulation."
text[number++] = "A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument."
text[number++] = "A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."
text[number++] = "A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife."
text[number++] = "About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. The rest of them are avoiding reality for four more years."
text[number++] = "After all is said and done, usually more is said than done."
text[number++] = "After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before."
text[number++] = "After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."
text[number++] = "Age is the price we pay for maturity."
text[number++] = "Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. – Borge"
text[number++] = "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
text[number++] = "All five second grenade fuses are three seconds."
text[number++] = "All marriages are happy it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems."
text[number++] = "All weather close support doesn't work in bad weather."
text[number++] = "Always drink upstream from the herd."
text[number++] = "Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder."
text[number++] = "Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn."
text[number++] = "Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was."
text[number++] = "Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!."
text[number++] = "Ammo is cheap your life isn't."
text[number++] = "An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie"
text[number++] = "An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French ... Raise both hands if you are French."
text[number++] = "Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing."
text[number++] = "Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing."
text[number++] = "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
text[number++] = "Anything you can do can get you shot ... including doing nothing."
text[number++] = "Armored vehicles are bullet magnets a moving foxhole that attracts attention."
text[number++] = "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure. — Jacques Chirac, President of France As far as France is concerned, you're right. — Rush Limbaugh"
text[number++] = "Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness."
text[number++] = "At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying."
text[number++] = "Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. .it'll be a great trade!."
text[number++] = "Bachelors know more about women than married men if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H.L. Mencken"
text[number++] = "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
text[number++] = "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder."
text[number++] = "Beware of geeks bearing gifs."
text[number++] = "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
text[number++] = "Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks."
text[number++] = "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."
text[number++] = "Blood is thicker than water and tastier, too."
text[number++] = "Borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back."
text[number++] = "Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever."
text[number++] = "Can you yell Movie! in a crowded firestation?"
text[number++] = "Change is inevitable. .except from vending machines."
text[number++] = "Chastity is curable, if detected early."
text[number++] = "Chinese proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children drum."
text[number++] = "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
text[number++] = "Cluster bombing from B-52s and C-130s is very, very accurate.  They always hit the ground."
text[number++] = "Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first."
text[number++] = "Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor."
text[number++] = "Death to all fanatics!."
text[number++] = "Did you know that every day that goes by we're all getting older?"
text[number++] = "Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
text[number++] = "Don't be sexist broads hate that!."
text[number++] = "Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault."
text[number++] = "Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house."
text[number++] = "Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none."
text[number++] = "Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'."
text[number++] = "Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire."
text[number++] = "Don't marry for money you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb"
text[number++] = "Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none."
text[number++] = "Don't squat with yer spurs on!"
text[number++] = "Don't sweat petty things ... or pet sweaty things."
text[number++] = "Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think."
text[number++] = "Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."
text[number++] = "Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines."
text[number++] = "Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
text[number++] = "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason."
text[number++] = "Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater."
text[number++] = "Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?"
text[number++] = "Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor."
text[number++] = "Every solution breeds new problems."
text[number++] = "Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away."
text[number++] = "Everybody repeat after me ... 'We are all individuals'."
text[number++] = "Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'."
text[number++] = "Everything takes longer than you think."
text[number++] = "Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget."
text[number++] = "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
text[number++] = "Experience is the price we pay for immaturity."
text[number++] = "Failure Is Not An Option! It comes bundled with the software."
text[number++] = "Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts."
text[number++] = "Feminist's lament: I think, therefore I am single."
text[number++] = "Final protective fire doesn't."
text[number++] = "First draw the curve, then plot the data."
text[number++] = "Following the rules will not get the job done."
text[number++] = "For a male and female to live continuously together is, biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault"
text[number++] = "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism."
text[number++] = "Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get."
text[number++] = "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes. - Mark Twain "
text[number++] = "Friendly fire ain't."
text[number++] = "Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'."
text[number++] = "Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules."
text[number++] = "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
text[number++] = "Give the gift that keeps on giving this holiday season. No, not syphilis, silly. Booze."
text[number++] = "Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away."
text[number++] = "God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever."
text[number++] = "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. - Norman Schwartzkopf"
text[number++] = "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
text[number++] = "Growing old is mandatory growing up is optional."
text[number++] = "Guests who kill talk show hosts ... On the last Geraldo."
text[number++] = "Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at."
text[number++] = "Half the people you know are below average."
text[number++] = "Hangover: The wrath of grapes."
text[number++] = "Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."
text[number++] = "Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts."
text[number++] = "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
text[number++] = "He who hesitates is probably right."
text[number++] = "Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned."
text[number++] = "Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway."
text[number++] = "Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy"
text[number++] = "How can there be self-help groups?"
text[number++] = "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
text[number++] = "How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!"
text[number++] = "How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven."
text[number++] = "How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it."
text[number++] = "How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands."
text[number++] = "How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
text[number++] = "Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. You are getting sleepy ... you will dismiss class early."
text[number++] = "I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions."
text[number++] = "I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect."
text[number++] = "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
text[number++] = "I borrowed cd's and copied them from friend's before napster."
text[number++] = "I can only help 1 person a day. And today's not your day. Tommorow don't look good either."
text[number++] = "I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone."
text[number++] = "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
text[number++] = "I don't approve of political jokes … I've seen too many of them get elected."
text[number++] = "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
text[number++] = "I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that."
text[number++] = "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France! — Jay Leno"
text[number++] = "I doubt, therefore I might be."
text[number++] = "I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved."
text[number++] = "I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's 6th husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle"
text[number++] = "I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart."
text[number++] = "I got a pair of socks and a piece-of-ass last year for Christmas. They were both too big."
text[number++] = "I got a sweater last year for Christmas when I wanted a screamer and a moaner."
text[number++] = "I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy"
text[number++] = "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
text[number++] = "I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy"
text[number++] = "I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here."
text[number++] = "I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."
text[number++] = "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, Always."
text[number++] = "I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette"
text[number++] = "I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."
text[number++] = "I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac. — Dennis Miller"
text[number++] = "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. - General George S. Patton"
text[number++] = "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
text[number++] = "If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
text[number++] = "If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?"
text[number++] = "If a tree falls in a forest, and hits a mime, does anybody say anything about it?"
text[number++] = "If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway."
text[number++] = "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
text[number++] = "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
text[number++] = "If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
text[number++] = "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
text[number++] = "If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?"
text[number++] = "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"
text[number++] = "If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't."
text[number++] = "If it was only a 3 hour tour, then why did they bring all their luggage?"
text[number++] = "If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
text[number++] = "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
text[number++] = "If it's stupid, but works, it's not stupid."
text[number++] = "If life deals you lemons, make lemonade if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys."
text[number++] = "If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?"
text[number++] = "If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
text[number++] = "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
text[number++] = "If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."
text[number++] = "If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then."
text[number++] = "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
text[number++] = "If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?"
text[number++] = "If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN."
text[number++] = "If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. – Chekhov"
text[number++] = "If you are forward of your position the artillery will be short."
text[number++] = "If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live."
text[number++] = "If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it."
text[number++] = "If you are short of everything except enemy, you're in combat."
text[number++] = "If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice."
text[number++] = "If you can read this, you don't need glasses."
text[number++] = "If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts."
text[number++] = "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
text[number++] = "If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
text[number++] = "If you can't remember . . . the claymore is probably pointed at you."
text[number++] = "If you can't see the enemy, they still may be able to see you."
text[number++] = "If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
text[number++] = "If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
text[number++] = "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings."
text[number++] = "If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before."
text[number++] = "If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
text[number++] = "If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots."
text[number++] = "If your attack is going well, it's an ambush."
text[number++] = "If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there."
text[number++] = "I'm not poor. I'm financially challenged."
text[number++] = "Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail."
text[number++] = "In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. The winner had access to life-support equipment."
text[number++] = "In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley"
text[number++] = "In a redneck divorce or a tornado somebody loses a trailer home!"
text[number++] = "In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. – Butler"
text[number++] = "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested."
text[number++] = "Income Tax: Capital punishment."
text[number++] = "Incoming fire has the right of way."
text[number++] = "Insanity is my only means of relaxation."
text[number++] = "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just build her a house."
text[number++] = "Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?"
text[number++] = "Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy"
text[number++] = "Is there another word for synonym?"
text[number++] = "Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
text[number++] = "It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do."
text[number++] = "It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it."
text[number++] = "It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."
text[number++] = "It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats."
text[number++] = "It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
text[number++] = "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
text[number++] = "It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others."
text[number++] = "It was so cold around here last winter, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!"
text[number++] = "It's easier to expend material in combat than to fill out the forms for Graves Registration."
text[number++] = "It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you  the questions."
text[number++] = "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
text[number++] = "Jesus Loves You. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass."
text[number++] = "Join the Army, meet interesting people - kill them."
text[number++] = "Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."
text[number++] = "Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted."
text[number++] = "Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back."
text[number++] = "Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names."
text[number++] = "Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
text[number++] = "Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke."
text[number++] = "Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse."
text[number++] = "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back."
text[number++] = "Look,' said one lawyer to the other, 'Let's be honest with each other.' Okay, you first, replied the other … SILENCE."
text[number++] = "Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible."
text[number++] = "Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener."
text[number++] = "Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce"
text[number++] = "Make it too tough for the enemy to get in ... and you can't get out."
text[number++] = "Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on."
text[number++] = "Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus"
text[number++] = "Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go if we could only catch up from  paying as we've already gone."
text[number++] = "Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G.K. Chesterton"
text[number++] = "Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. – Baskins"
text[number++] = "Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die."
text[number++] = "Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."
text[number++] = "Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night."
text[number++] = "Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy."
text[number++] = "Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words."
text[number++] = "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life."
text[number++] = "Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with."
text[number++] = "Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation."
text[number++] = "Mother nature is a bitch."
text[number++] = "My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
text[number++] = "My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce"
text[number++] = "Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
text[number++] = "Nature always sides with the hidden flaw."
text[number++] = "Never ask a barber if you need a haircut."
text[number++] = "Never ask a man the size of his spread."
text[number++] = "Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour."
text[number++] = "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with."
text[number++] = "Never draw fire. It makes everyone around you nervous."
text[number++] = "Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly."
text[number++] = "Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
text[number++] = "Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey."
text[number++] = "Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp."
text[number++] = "Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day."
text[number++] = "Never miss a chance to rest your horse."
text[number++] = "Never miss a good chance to shut up."
text[number++] = "Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you."
text[number++] = "Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco."
text[number++] = "Never tell. Not if you love your wife. In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. She'll believe it. - Lenny Bruce"
text[number++] = "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers."
text[number++] = "Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France."
text[number++] = "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
text[number++] = "No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat."
text[number++] = "No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac"
text[number++] = "No matter how much you do, you never do enough."
text[number++] = "No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously."
text[number++] = "No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense."
text[number++] = "No one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or get rich in business by being a conformist. - J. Paul Getty."
text[number++] = "No one ever says 'It's only a game', when their team is winning."
text[number++] = "No one is listening until you make a mistake."
text[number++] = "No plan survives the first few seconds of combat."
text[number++] = "Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."
text[number++] = "Nobody is normal."
text[number++] = "Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check."
text[number++] = "Nothing is as easy as it looks."
text[number++] = "Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy"
text[number++] = "On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes."
text[number++] = "Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy"
text[number++] = "One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people."
text[number++] = "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"
text[number++] = "OXY MORON: Microsoft Works."
text[number++] = "Paranoids are people, too they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too."
text[number++] = "Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor."
text[number++] = "People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor."
text[number++] = "People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't."
text[number++] = "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."
text[number++] = "Perfect plans aren't."
text[number++] = "Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them."
text[number++] = "Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit."
text[number++] = "Personals Ad: Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditor, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed. Stanley, Box 99."
text[number++] = "Personals Ad: Physician, 35 - Desires to meet that special woman with  real inner beauty. Send X- rays to: Dr. Mellonchop, BOX 67."
text[number++] = "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
text[number++] = "Precision bombing is normally accurate within plus/minus one mile."
text[number++] = "Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
text[number++] = "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
text[number++] = "Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it."
text[number++] = "Radios will fail as soon as you need something desperately."
text[number++] = "Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree."
text[number++] = "Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry."
text[number++] = "Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry."
text[number++] = "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it."
text[number++] = "Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring."
text[number++] = "Recoilless rifles aren't."
text[number++] = "Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving."
text[number++] = "Remember, half the people in the world are below average."
text[number++] = "Remembr, your weapnos and equipment were made by the lowest bidder."
text[number++] = "REMFs are everywhere."
text[number++] = "Sad isn't it? Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX! And you're on the computer."
text[number++] = "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
text[number++] = "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
text[number++] = "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."
text[number++] = "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
text[number++] = "Sign in a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. (Then, in pencil beneath the sign): Socks can eat anyplace they want."
text[number++] = "Sign in a podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels."
text[number++] = "Sign in a restaurant window: T-bone: 99 Cents. (Then, in fine print underneath: With meat: $14.95)."
text[number++] = "Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
text[number++] = "Sign in an Austrian hotel catering to mountain climbers: Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
text[number++] = "Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further."
text[number++] = "Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: Reserved for plant manager."
text[number++] = "Sign on the door of the maternity ward at the hospital: Push... Push ...Push!"
text[number++] = "Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = affair. Dumb man + smart woman = marriage. Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy."
text[number++] = "Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it Closed for remodeling.  **caution - leave air holes."
text[number++] = "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view."
text[number++] = "Suppressive fire won't."
text[number++] = "Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much."
text[number++] = "Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy other people to shoot at."
text[number++] = "Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions."
text[number++] = "The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
text[number++] = "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."
text[number++] = "The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it."
text[number++] = "The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other ... and have no time to help the infantry."
text[number++] = "The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes."
text[number++] = "The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires."
text[number++] = "The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning."
text[number++] = "The Bill Of Rights... (Void where prohibited by law)"
text[number++] = "The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. "
text[number++] = "The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content."
text[number++] = "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it."
text[number++] = "The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller."
text[number++] = "The easy way generally gets you killed."
text[number++] = "The easy way is always mined."
text[number++] = "The enemy diversion you're ignoring is the main attack."
text[number++] = "The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time."
text[number++] = "The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson."
text[number++] = "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know. — P.J O'Rourke (1989)"
text[number++] = "The guy with the biggest stomach will be the first to take off his shirt at a baseball game."
text[number++] = "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx."
text[number++] = "The important things are always simple. "
text[number++] = "The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong."
text[number++] = "The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag. — David Letterman"
text[number++] = "The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population."
text[number++] = "The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins."
text[number++] = "The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them."
text[number++] = "The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."
text[number++] = "The more you complain, the longer God lets you live."
text[number++] = "The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S.T. Coleridge"
text[number++] = "The most powerful force in the universe is gossip."
text[number++] = "The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment."
text[number++] = "The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world."
text[number++] = "The older you get, the better you realize you used to be."
text[number++] = "The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."
text[number++] = "The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you're standing."
text[number++] = "The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire."
text[number++] = "The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker"
text[number++] = "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee. — Regis Philbin"
text[number++] = "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller"
text[number++] = "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
text[number++] = "The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."
text[number++] = "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
text[number++] = "The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."
text[number++] = "The side with the fanciest uniforms losses."
text[number++] = "The simple things are always hard."
text[number++] = "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
text[number++] = "The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
text[number++] = "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
text[number++] = "The wildest critters live in the city! "
text[number++] = "The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce"
text[number++] = "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
text[number++] = "There are three kinds of men:  The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence."
text[number++] = "There are two theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works."
text[number++] = "There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
text[number++] = "There cannot be a crisis this week my schedule is already full."
text[number++] = "There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11."
text[number++] = "There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness."
text[number++] = "There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office."
text[number++] = "There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt."
text[number++] = "They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house. — Argus Hamilton"
text[number++] = "Throw strikes. Home plate don't move. - Satchel Paige"
text[number++] = "Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
text[number++] = "To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little."
text[number++] = "To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all."
text[number++] = "To be intoxicated is to feel 'sophisticated' but not be able to say it."
text[number++] = "To err is human, to forgive is not company policy."
text[number++] = "To realize the value of a friend: Lose one."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of a sister: Ask someone Who doesn't have one."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Time waits for no one."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to A premature baby."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who Has failed a final exam."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident."
text[number++] = "To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly Divorced couple."
text[number++] = "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research."
text[number++] = "To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles."
text[number++] = "Tracers work both ways."
text[number++] = "Travel is very educational.  I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven different languages."
text[number++] = "Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards."
text[number++] = "Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo."
text[number++] = "Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says: god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says... OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
text[number++] = "Two wrongs are only the beginning."
text[number++] = "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
text[number++] = "Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them."
text[number++] = "War decides not who is right, but who is left."
text[number++] = "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it. — Marge Simpson"
text[number++] = "We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens."
text[number++] = "Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."
text[number++] = "What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name."
text[number++] = "What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human."
text[number++] = "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
text[number++] = "What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet."
text[number++] = "What do you call a fly with no wings?  A walk."
text[number++] = "What do you call an unemployed jester? ... Nobody's fool."
text[number++] = "What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton."
text[number++] = "What do you give an elephant with diarreha?  Lots of Room"
text[number++] = "What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand."
text[number++] = "What do you say to a Buddhist hot dog vendor? ... Make me one with everything."
text[number++] = "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
text[number++] = "What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?"
text[number++] = "What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman."
text[number++] = "What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die!."
text[number++] = "What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? ... WET  rocks."
text[number++] = "What's brown and sticky?  A stick."
text[number++] = "What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!."
text[number++] = "What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?  Lipstick!"
text[number++] = "When blondes have more fun do they know it?"
text[number++] = "When both sides are convinced they are about to lose . . . they are both right."
text[number++] = "When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'."
text[number++] = "When God asked Adam, where are you? He replied, The woman you gave me was reading the map."
text[number++] = "When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
text[number++] = "When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half."
text[number++] = "When in doubt, empty the magazine."
text[number++] = "When it comes to cussin don't swallow your tongue use both barrels and air out your lungs."
text[number++] = "When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?"
text[number++] = "When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves."
text[number++] = "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
text[number++] = "When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried."
text[number++] = "When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson."
text[number++] = "When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy."
text[number++] = "When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?"
text[number++] = "When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else."
text[number++] = "Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?"
text[number++] = "Where there's smoke, there's dinner."
text[number++] = "Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?  They all have phones."
text[number++] = "Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?"
text[number++] = "Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!"
text[number++] = "Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy!"
text[number++] = "Why politicians don't enjoy the game of golf -- Because for them, it's too much like their work -- you know, being trapped in one bad lie after another."
text[number++] = "Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?"
text[number++] = "Why was the Tomato blushing?  Because he saw the salad dressing."
text[number++] = "Women like silent men, they think they're listening."
text[number++] = "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
text[number++] = "Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you."
text[number++] = "You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk."
text[number++] = "You are not Superman."
text[number++] = "You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard."
text[number++] = "You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate."
text[number++] = "You can't steal second base and keep one foot on first."
text[number++] = "You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'."
text[number++] = "You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."
text[number++] = "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people. — Conan O'Brien"
text[number++] = "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
text[number++] = "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it. — John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona"
text[number++] = "You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
text[number++] = "You should not confuse your career with your life."
text[number++] = "You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time."
text[number++] = "Your friends love you anyway."
text[number++] = "You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster."
// keep adding items here...

increment = Math.floor(Math.random() * number);

document.write(text[increment]);

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