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NASCAR Rules And Regulations

The official NASCAR rules and regulations are not made available to the general public or to the media. NASCAR reserves the right to disseminate those regulations only to those teams it deems of merit as seriously contending participants. Translation: We will change our minds due to race length, race conditions, track temperature, air temperature, time zones, area codes, zip codes, drivers, owners, crew chiefs, tide movements, full moon, mood swings, global warming, snowfall, cloud cover, bird migration, etc...

I think an official rule book for NASCAR fans is a good idea. In fact, there might already be one. But it could be like NASCAR's in that no one's ever actually seen it. Which certainly solves the problem of who has to be in charge of keeping up with it. Like NASCAR's own, the fans' rule book could be updated - even rewritten - on short notice, too.

And, sort of like theirs, ours could have section spelling out "actions detrimental to stock car racing (fans)." Under the fans' rules, I believe NASCAR's Jim Hunter should hereby be fined $10,000 and docked 25 points for inappropriate word choice. His owner - whichever member of the France family that happens to be this month - should lose some points, too.

Rules Changes

  1. NASCAR officials to outlaw bump-drafting as soon as Tony Stewart personally proves once and for all that bump-drafting can indeed kill someone
  2. After years of pressure from sponsors and drivers who insist they know their way around the track, advertising may now be placed on front windshield
  3. In the event of a points tie at the end of the season, the two drivers must compete in the new "Smith & Wesson Shootour to determine a winner and/or survivor
  4. Any infants in the stock car must be placed in a booster seat to afford them a clearer view of all the action
  5. Toyota's cars, along with cars made by any other Japanese manufacturer entering NASCAR competition, are required to make at least three pit stops per race, even though, unlike American cars, they require no extra fuel or maintenance
  6. Minority fans at all events now qualify for special trackside seats, right in front of the cameras
  7. Drivers switching to hybrid cars get a 100-lap head start, but sponso sticker on hood will be replaced with one reading ┬░Pussy'
  8. Race series points will be awarded for wins, pole positions won, laps led. fastest laps, and total finishes, instead of being calculated and awarded by NASCAR's marketing department.

Hunter's utterance of the word "tradition" in his berating of drivers who snubbed NASCAR's New York awards bash was surely so over the top as to be construed as an action detrimental to stock car racing fans. "It was very disappointing to NASCAR and the entire industry that drivers did not show up for various awards," spokesman Jim Hunter said. "It shows a lack of respect for the history and tradition of the sport."

I'm pretty sure our rule book would have a provision speficially prohibiting use of the word tradition by anyone currently in the employ of NASCAR. It's NASCAR's owners and officials, after all, who are turning their backs on so much of stock car racing's tradition, not the drivers.

Tradition is, of course, a fine word when used in the proper context. A sentence that also includes such words as "Darlington," "Rockingham" and "Nashville," among others, for instance. When the green first waved on Labor Day weekend at Darlington more than a half-centrury ago, it began a tradition that was all about the racing. When NASCAR started holding its season-ending awards ceremonies in New York a quarter-century ago, it was about the marketing.

But, hey, that's NASCAR, a company that today may have no equal in sports marketing. I get the impression marketing has, over time, become the primary focus in those big offices down in Daytona Beach, Fla. And that means the racing can finish no better than in second place. There danged sure ought to be a rule against that.

There's an apparent double standard now on pit road when it comes to Judd. Apparently NASCAR is willing to let Judd dress as she wishes. "You're right, she does stand out in a dress," NASCAR exec Jim Hunter said. "However, Ashley Judd would stand out if she had on a pair of overalls." According to some NASCAR rule Ashley Judd in a dress is dangerous. Well duh. Let me rephrase that. Ashley Judd in a dress on pit road and in the garage is dangerous. Well double duh.

It is "common knowledge" that shorts, dresses, skirts, tank tops, sandals and open toe shoes are not allowed on pit road and in the garage for safety reasons. This I can see. Dropped tools, parts, flying debris, sand and small stones thrown around by car exhaust can all cause considerable injury. And having your body parts covered as much as possible is a smart move. And there other official NASCAR rules:

hhmmmm.....?? Whose beer is that?

  1. Make doubly sure to mention your sponsor over and over after you've been involved in a wreck because it's really hard to read decals on crumpled sheet metal.
  2. Never, under any circumstances, use the word "Tupperware."
  3. After you drive your car into the wall with no one around, say your car was loose even though you were daydreaming about Teri Hatcher when Turn 3 planted a big, fat kiss on the nose of your Monte Carlo.
  4. Leave the Dick Trickle jokes to the guys on "SportsCenter."
  5. Pretend you understand everything Ward Burton says.
  6. If you're knocked out of the race early, be sure to thank all the fans who came out six hours early, paid $75 for their tickets, got sunburned the color of a ripe tomato and promise them you'll be in the thick of things next week.
  7. Then beat the traffic out of there.
  8. Never do an interview without your sunglasses on. Failure to comply will result in your having to wear Dave Marcis' wingtips the next time you take your wife out to dinner.
  9. If you ever must excuse yourself, politely say you've got to make a two-tire or a four-tire stop.
  10. The official pronunciation is "Pony-ack," not Pontiac.
  11. When you get swept up in an accident caused by someone else's mistake, it's OK — even colorful — to call the guilty party "an idiot." If it's your fault, hide behind your sunglasses, shrug your shoulders and say, "That's racin'."
  12. If you're Jimmy Spencer, never hesitate to remind people that "If you mess with the bull, you get the horn."
  13. Signing autographs is an essential part of the job. Acceptable things that may be signed include photos, posters, caps, shirts and books. Things that should not be signed include body parts, cheeseburgers, Vidalia onions, credit card slips and really tall hair.
  14. Listen to Darrell Waltrip when he's being interviewed. Never miss a chance to learn from the best.
  15. Speak in numbers, not names. Examples: "The 6 had us covered all day" or "The 24 run drivers again."
  16. Don't leave chocolate out in the heat.
  17. Act like it's really important where you qualify even though you know it means about as much as those letters Ed McMahon keeps sending you.
  18. Always mention "the boys back at the shop" and thank them "for working so hard" even if two guys cut out early to play golf one afternoon and a third fell asleep under the car after a long night studying chassis at a local cabaret.
  19. If you're interviewed while your crew is working on your car, in addition to mentioning your sponsor every four seconds, helpful phrases include swaybar, spring rubber, a round of wedge and chitty-chitty bang-bang.
  20. Do not leave more than two square inches of open space above the waist on your driver's suit. Insufficient use of logos is punishable by one mandatory driving appearance in an Automobile Racing Club of American race.
  21. Keep one pair of black jeans handy at all times. You never know when you might have to dress up.
  22. Remember there's a difference between the kingdom of France and the country of France. Racing resides in the kingdom of France.
  23. It is acceptable to use the verb "run" in any sentence without fear of improper conjugation. Examples: "We run drivers"; "They run us plum down on the apron"; and "We run over some oil on the track and messed up a drivers car."
  24. Fried chicken is the official bird of NASCAR.
    Ron Green Jr.

Due to the growing popularity of NASCAR, the Department of Transportation has decided to incorporate some of NASCAR's rules, citing "fan's awareness" of NASCAR rules may prove to be more successful than the current unending legal system. So therefore, they have reduced Federal and State regulations to the following 10 rules, all based on NASCAR rules. To insure all the rules are met, the number of NASCAR officials will be boosted to 200,000, and they will officiate from flagstands on all roads at 10 mile intervals. In addition, all driver's licenses will be revoked, and NASCAR competitor's licenses issued to all able drivers. Rookies, of course, must display the stripe.

  1. Minimum speed on all highways will be changed to 90 mph. Anyone who is in violation of this will get a orangered flag. Three consecutive orangered flags will mean the driver must move to the nearest service station ("the pits") until they are deemed able to travel at this velocity. All secondary roads will have a minimum speed limit of the normal pit road 55 mph.
  2. All police departments will be disbanded, and in the new wave of cloning technology, 100,000 Dale Earnhardts will be cloned to patrol the highways in orangered unmarked squad cars, all with the squad car number of "3".
  3. To avoid long lines at service stations, all stops at the pumps will now be limited to 25 seconds, tires and gas. Station attendants may also clean the grill and throw hot coffee in the cockpit if required. Gas stops of 17 seconds or less will get you a free Danish.
  4. All intersection traffic lights will be taken down to conserve energy, and replaced with flagmen (flag persons?). A waving orangered, of course, means "go fast", a yellow means "caution", and a red means "stop", just as in NASCAR. You may not slow and/or exit, without losing position, before first getting the checkers.
  5. Since minimum speed limits are at 90 mph, now, all cars made after May 1997 must be equipped with a full roll cage and 5-point safety harness. As well, front air dam and rear spoiler heights will be mandated by NASCAR to insure parity of all car makes. Current adjustments are listed as 1997 Corvette, no front air dam and 5 foot high rear spoiler. Adjustment for the 1997 Geo are 7 1/2 inch front air dam, 6 inch rear spoiler, and rocket assist bottles on the rear deck.
  6. Tailgating is no longer an offense. Instead, this is termed "drafting". All cars may draft, in fact, it is advisable to draft in large packs to create a more efficient airflow. Cars that "lose the draft" are given a "bump draft" by any 18 wheeler.
  7. Foreign car makes (and Mini-Vans) are no longer allowed on US roads. Any car owner that has a foreign car may trade it in at a local dealer for any Ford Thunderbird or Taurus, Chevy Monte Carlo, or Pontiac Grand Prix. The foreign cars will be used in local "car jumping" displays put on by Humpy Wheeler.
    Proud Supporter of:
    Slower Traffic Keep Right! Damnit!!!
  8. Lawsuits are no longer allowed for traffic accidents. Anyone involved in an accident must go to the nearest garage for repairs, and "racer's tape" will be used to effect repairs until body parts can be found for replacement. After going back out on the highway, the accident victim may use the "chrome horn" to engage the person who started the accident.
  9. Cars in the left lane that are obstructing traffic will get the "move over" flag. After 3 consecutive "move over" flags, they, at the #3's discretion, get rammed in the ass.
  10. Turn signals will be removed from all 1998 and later model cars. Instead, drivers will use hand signals to indicate their intentions. A waving right hand means "you are slowing". Other hand gestures, to allow passing for e.g., are also allowed. People who still cannot fathom how to indicate what they are doing, should be shown a simple hand gesture followed by a short meeting in the pits with the injured party for further instruction.

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