Home : Three Services :

All Services

Which Military Service Has Big Brass Ones?

A marine general, an army general and an navy admiral were discussing who has the toughest men one day.

The army general goes, "Alright, I'll prove the army's got the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!" The private reports as ordered -"Yes sir?" The general goes, "see that man over there? Kill him!" Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general goes "See? That man has balls!"

The marine general goes, "That's nothing! Private get over here!" The marine private reports, "Yes sir?" The general goes, "See that man over there? Kill him and then yourself!" Without blinking the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general goes, "See? Now that man has balls!"

The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey seaman! Jump off that tower!" The seaman goes, "Excuse me sir?" The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!" The seaman replies, "F#$% you sir!" The admiral goes, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

Note: The Airforce is not mentioned in the above. We leave it as an exercise to the reader to speculate why.

Which Branch of the Service Do Your Prefer? An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!" An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!" A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having had a 10 mile swim to shore, a five crawl through swamps, and a 25 mile march in jungle, at night, through enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit." A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 pound pack on his back and a 15 pound weapon in each hand, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit." An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?" (Chair Force: A pejorative term for the Air Force, which other service branches often accuse of riding out the action from a comfortable altitude.) Real Sergeants: Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. Have a spine. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. Can see in the Dark. Have eyes in the back of their heads. Still don't trust the Russians. Still hate the French. Don't know how to be politically correct. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." Can run 5 miles with a hangover. Do not fear women in the military. Would like to date G. I. Jane. Still know how to use a buffer. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne. Don't know how to use a "stress card". Idolize John Wayne. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander". CENSORED Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there". Know how to properly construct a field latrine. CENSORED CENSORED Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked twice. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say. Don't need a GPS to find themselves. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce). Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers. Large and slow has its advantages... A C-130 was en route on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" He went into a Barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought. The C-130 pilot responded "that was impressive, but watch this." The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think about that?" The F-16 pilot asked, "what did you do?" The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back poured a cup of coffee and went to the bathroom. Any questions?"

New Enlistment Oaths

US Coast Guard Enlistment Oath

US Air Force Oath Of Enlistment

US Army Oath Of Enlistment

US Navy Oath Of Enlistment

New Navy Recruiting Ad
(Warning Racy Content)

US Marine Corps Oath Of Enlistment

Evolution

The first evolutionary stage was the Navy. The sailor was an aquatic creature that spent most of his time in the sea, up to nine months a year. While usually having a mate, the sailor returned to the nest infrequently to procreate and pass on exotic trinkets to his offspring.

The second evolutionary stage was the Marine Corps. This creature is often grouped with the Navy class by some scientists, causing heated debate. While frequently found with the Navy speciman, the Marine was a creature unique from the Navy probably growing legs to operate on the land in the Jurassic Period. The Marine would often leave its family as well, sometimes to join it's Navy cousins in the sea, more often to join other Marines on the ground. The Marine was a highly ritualized creature that still remains mysterious to modern man.

The third evolutionary stage was the Army. Unlike the other two creatures, the soldier disliked the water and chose to remain almost exclusively on the ground. It too strayed from its home often, but always to other dry land locations, where it would fight with other species, or sometimes, attempt to keep two other species from fighting one another. Recently, the soldier has changed its distinctive head-dress, causing some distress in its primitive hierarchy.

The fourth evolutionary stage is the Air Force. Until relatively recently, the airman has been grouped with the Army by researchers. The airman has the ability to fly, but only a select group within the Air Force hierarchy are able to actually fly. Apperently, the rest of the airmen support those capable of flight in various methods. It is unknow if the rest of the group will eventually sprout wings, or if they will remain in their support status.

There is a fifth species, the Coast Guard, but it is unknown to researchers if they are part of the evolutionary cycle or a creature unto themselves.

Kilroy Was Here: The Best American Humor from World War II An inspiring collection of humor writing from World War II, edited and introduced by one of America's most respected broadcast journalists. War is hell, but it can also be hilarious. As America rediscovers World War II in such movies as Saving Private Ryan, it's clear that much of the tragedy that came out of that conflict was made bearable by generous doses of humor from all fronts -- at home, in Europe, and in the Pacific. Now, inspired by a ubiquitous piece of graffiti that U.S. servicemen left behind during World War II, Emmy Award-winning television journalist Charles Osgood has collected an assortment of classic stories and comic tales that celebrate the good humor that buoyed American spirits throughout the world. From the best of Stars and Stripes magazine to classic lines from the immortal Mister Roberts, this treasury includes original contributions, comic memoir essays from well-known veterans, and an insightful introductory essay by Osgood himself.

---

top of page

back a page