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Why Speak English?

A U.S. Navy admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of a half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitation, the American admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Suddenly the group became very quiet.

Next Stop: France!

It’s been nearly 60 years since France was last invaded. Le clock is ticking…

We pretended not to notice their anti-American rabble-rousing. We didn’t interfere when they committed one cultural atrocity after another. We turned the other cheek as they built up weapons of mass destruction. Iraq? The Taliban? North Korea? Non, monsieur: C’est France, of course! The country that hones her nukes by blowing up Pacific islands. The nation that stuffs our ports with rancid cheese but rallies to keep American movies out of her precious cinema. The U.N. Security Council afterthought that’s carried on a torrid, oily affair with Iraq for over a decade.

Who unties France from the tree and helps her find her panties every time the Germans are done with her? America, that’s who. Our reward? A nonstop stream of lip-sneering, cigarette-waving, mime-walking-a-dog snobbery. Time to return le favor.

C’est La Guerre
When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.

Frog Facts Forty percent of Frenchmen and 25 percent of Frenchwomen do not change their underwear every day. Tied together, all those soiled briefs would make a stinkin’ chain 3,700 miles long… from Paris to Baghdad and back! Technically, it’s not France; it’s the Fifth Republic of France. When the French decide their constitution stinks, they just give up and slap together a new country. Germany reportedly still wants in on this action. When you need to be rescued, what language you gonna speak? Mayday, the term used by distressed sailors and aviators, comes from the French term m’aidez, which expresses France’s national motto: Help me. Made In France? Not everything French sucks. How ’bout: The 3 Musketeers Bar The duplicitous nature of a scrumptious treat that looks like doody—what’s more French? Alors…the trail sadly leads straight to our own Mars, Inc. in McLean, Virginia. French Kissing Of course zey invented this one—they’re pros at battling with only their tongues, right? Um…actually, our Kama Sutra tells us the Hindus had perfected the technique by the fourth century. Another reason India should replace France on the UN Security Council. French’s Mustard It’s yellow, it runs, and it stains the pants…could anything be more French? Mais non, monsieur—inventor George French, of good ol’ Rochester, New York, simply had the misfortune of being born with a lousy name. Let’s call it Mickey Mousetard. The French Maid At last, a truly French invention! Impractical can-can outfits, feather dusters…those inconsiderate sickos could at least buy them vacuums.

Gallic Wars, 58–51 B.C. (L)

Julius Caesar was the first in a long line of foreigners to wipe his sandals on the face of France. Local chiefs welcomed him, hoping he’d protect them from—why, looky here!—Germany. Instead, Caesar made them his bitches.

100 Years War, 1337–1453 (W)

France, being progressively wiped out by technically weaker British forces, dramatically improved the caliber of her army by signing up one schizophrenic teenage girl (Joan of Arc). We can’t make this stuff up, folks.

Italian Wars, 1494–1559 (L)

France mixed it up with various Italian city-states, hoping for a piece of the big pizza pie. Instead she got a Mafia-style beating, becoming one of the few countries to lose multiple engagements to…ahem…Italy.

30 Years War, 1618–1648 (T)

France was not initially a participant in this Holy Roman Empire smackdown but managed to get invaded anyway because…well, why not? We score it a tie since the other participants eventually just started ignoring her.

French and Indian Wars, 1689–1763 (T)

France’s ploy to trick Native Americans into conquering Canada and everything east of the Ohio River failed when said braves woke up and smelled the cheese. Two “ties” in a row induced delusions of military grandeur.

American Revolution, 1775–1783 (W)

In a move that will sound eerily familiar to future Americans, France skipped in at the last minute to claim a share of the victory. The first rule of French warfare: The less we fight, the more likely it is we’ll actually win.

French Revolution, 1789 (W)

Real victory at last! Of course, this was at least in part because their opponent was also French. And fat…and asleep…and good at dancing…and prone to wearing wigs and vast amounts of clown makeup.

The Napoleonic Wars, 1803–1815 (L)

Napoleon (great General…alas, Corsican, not French) marched army into a Russian winter in spring uniforms.

The Franco-Prussian War, 1870–1871 (L)

Pissed off by a royal wedding in Spain, France declared war on Germany. In one of history’s recurring roles, Germany laid siege to Paris. One general defending the collapsing city actually fled in a hot-air balloon.

World War I, 1914–1918 (T)

On the verge of loss, France was saved—get used to this—by the U.S. Madame learned what it’s like to bed a winner who doesn’t call her Fräulein. Sadly, GI condoms stalled improvement in the French bloodline.

Maxim

World War II, 1939–1945 (L)

The conquered Frogs were just sitting down to bratwurst mit der Führer when they were liberated by the U.S. and Britain. They shaved the heads of Nazi collaborators until the world’s razor supply was depleted.

War in Indochina, 1946–1954 (L)

French colonialist forces in Southeast Asia pleaded sickness, took to bed with the Dien Bien flu. The frogs inspired Charlie to such intense hatred of foreigners, even the U.S. found itself mired in la merde.

Algerian War of Independence, 1954–1962 (L)

Now even poverty-stricken African colonial upstarts could smell patsy…The first rule of modern Muslim warfare was born: We can always beat the French.

War on Terror, 2001–In progress

France, trying to get a jump on the inevitable, has surrendered to Germany and fundamentalist Islam; a plan to surrender to Monaco was foiled when the prince escaped in a cab.

So, the French have decided that they prefer Vichy after all. It's hardly surprising. When the Vichy regime was in power, one could pretty much do what one wanted when it came to those troublesome Jews. Yes, there were shortages and lots of Germans around, but that's not much different from the present. Plus, just like today, the truly intellectual could take pride in the notion that they were part of something larger than a piddling little nation state. And really, Liberté, égalité, fraternité! is just so passe. Vichy knew that too, which is why they were replaced with Travail (work), Famille (family), and Patrie (fatherland).

Not that those are any better. The modern Vichian motto might as well be ignorez, retarde, apaisez. Ignore, delay and appease describe the French character as well as anything else, excepts perhaps "Unions, Vacations and Occasional Showers!". You can hardly blame the French. France is example number one when comes to natural selection of a nation's character.

The Axis Pandemic

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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