The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today. Pictured above: the USS William Jefferson Clinton CVS1 set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC.
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Clinton and his foresight in military budget cuts. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one F14 Tomcat or F18 Hornet aircraft, which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense - in fact in times of conflict its orders are to remain in hiding in Canada, but will be used extensively for social experimentation and whatever worthless jobs the ex-commander in chief and his wife can think of.
Friendly fire ain't.
Spoiling For A Fight? Pick On One Of These Guys ...
The World's least powerful Armies
Jamaica
With an army of only 3,200, this island nation has more catch-a-fire power than firepower. Its air force, the Air Wing, possesses neither combat aircraft nor armed helicopters, and the naval armada has just eight patrol vehicles. Tragically, the army's most regular deployment is against gang warfare and rioting.
Costa Rica
Central America's most peaceable nation abolished its army in 1949, but a cuddly paramilitary police force of 8,400 remains. Its principal conflict strategy is to look the other way - the paramilitary didn't blink when Panamanian troops invaded Costa Rica from the west, briefly capturing a government minister.
Bhutan
This Himalayan spiritual nation maintains an army 10,000 strong - that is, if you include border and toll guards. In the last three decades, they've demonstrated military might by forcibly expelling 15% of the country's 800,000 citizens for not being ethnically Bhutanese.
Belize
Located just off the Gulf of Mexico's lucrative drug corridor, Belize has no coast guard and fewer than 1,000 soldiers - leaving this former UK commonwealth completely incapable of repelling cocaine-cartel cowboys or incursions by enemy armies. In 1999, Guatemala revived a 140-year-old claim to Belizean hinterlands, occasionally kidnapping Belizean troops.
Canada
Proving size doesn't matter, Canada's army is big but bad: during the Gulf War, their soldiers were deemed unready for combat and relegated to guard duty. In 2000, $250 million in Canadian Army weapons, ammunition and vehicles - not to mention three soldiers - were "hijacked" aboard an American cargo ship, whose owners refused to release the materiel until the government paid up.
The Swiss have an interesting army.
Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here!"
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
Needing to learn how to speak Iraqi? Start with these new town names:
Wanna know what it's like to be stationed in Iraq? Keep these tips circulating on the Net, maggot.
Invite all your neighbors—especially ones you don’t like—to visit for a few weeks.
Sleep everyone on canvas cots.
Set an alarm clock to go off at intervals throughout the night.
Mount a garden hose at chest level for a shower. Leave a minimum of four inches of cold water on the shower floor at all times.
Urinate everywhere except in the toilet. For a more realistic deployed-latrine experience, use the shitter of a neighbor who lives at least a quarter-mile away. Don’t flush.
Replace your windows and garage door with green plastic sheets.
Occasionally take apart every major appliance you own and then put it back together.
Leave the lawn mower running 24/7 for proper noise level.
Get a haircut from the paperboy.
Raise the doorway’s threshold so you trip when you pass through.
Leave wet, freshly laundered clothes in a ball in the corner where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and proudly wear to work and family gatherings. Pretend you don’t know what you look or smell like.
Shoot bullet holes in walls for proper ambience.
Spread gravel throughout your house.
Sandbag the floor of your car to protect it from IED mine blasts and fragmentation.
Decide the family dog is a disease vector, then shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit dug in your neighbor’s yard.
