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Getting Along At Work

From The Workplace Frequently gets lost in thought? Could be unfamiliar territory. You need a surge protector. That way your mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in your brain. He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right. Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf$#k you. Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine? Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. Do they ever shut up on your planet? Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. Back off!! You're standing in my aura. Don't worry. I forgot your name too. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality Chaos, panic and disorder...my work is done here. Ambivalent? Well yes and no. You look like shit. Is that the style now? Earth is full. Go home. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego? I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. You are depriving some village of an idiot. If assholes could fly, this place would be a f@#&~+g airport! Just For The Gals: You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. Well this day was a total waste of make-up. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. Direct Quotes From a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". From the Boss: (1) "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." From the Boss: (2) "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." From the Boss: (3) "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier." From the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" From HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." From telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

The workplace brings together a diverse group of people, a group certain to have differing values, expectations and approaches to work. As we all know, these differences can occasionally give rise to tension between colleagues. While it would be unreasonable to expect that you will get along with absolutely everyone, static between you and a co-worker can affect the morale and productivity of everyone, including yourself. When things are harmonious, there is greater teamwork and cooperation, which goes a long way to making the workday more pleasant. So when you consider that the average person spends one third of their lives at work, the ability to create and maintain good relationships with your co-workers is paramount.

Ultimately, getting along at work comes down to being flexible and willing to compromise. Being tolerant of individual differences and communicating effectively is also critical. Work is like life, you won't like everyone, and not everyone will like you. But if you can focus on maintaining good working relationships, even with difficult people, you'll be able to avoid misunderstandings and contribute to your organization in a way that shows your strengths and talents in the best light possible.

The key to dealing with difficult people at work is understanding basic human nature. Are they having trouble at home or not feeling well? Did they just get reamed out by a manager for a small mistake? These factors, and many others, could contribute to a negative attitude that directs itself to the closest target - which just may be you, standing there wanting a signature on a requisition form.

The ability to get along with people and adapt to different personalities and types of people we encounter is a key component of survival in the workplace. In some ways, the workplace is like high school, not only because of the time spent there, but because it’s often where we connect with people and look for a sense of belonging. The relationship component of a job can be crucial - if it is important to someone, but missing, it can lead to unhappiness, which can make going to work everyday miserable.

Talking about how you want to move on to something bigger and better will certainly, for good reason, make your boss and co-workers question your loyalty to your current job. If you are interested in moving up within your current organization, your actions will speak louder than words. Do your job exceptionally well, and of course, let your boss know you want to move up. Don't get any of the following in your review:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He's so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

Remember Long Hours And Backbreaking Toil Are For Suckers. There is no need to slave your youth away. Lean back, put your feet up, and scam your way into the coveted corner office.

• When you get up in the middle of the night to take a whiz, phone your boss's voice mail and leave a message. The next morning, when he hears the time-coded message, he'll think you're a round-the-clock superemployee. Don't do it too often, though, or he'll think you're a no-life loser.

• Have yourself copied in on all memos your boss gets…even ones that have nothing to do with you. When he eventually asks you about it, tell him you're trying to stay on top of as many aspects of the department as you can.

• Talk up your coworkers to your boss. Pointing out the fine work others are doing shows you can keep your ego in check and work for the greater good…in other words, you're management material, baby. One thing: Praise only the small stuff. You don't want anyone promoted ahead of you.

• Five-finger a couple of sheets of a competing firm's letterhead. Type up a glowing letter to yourself from a fictitious top-brass dude. Include "Been hearing great things about you" and "Let's do a retardedly expensive lunch." Leave the letter half covered on your desk until your boss spies it.

• Bottom line: Nothing is more impressive than having other people want you. Enjoy your raise, promotion, new company car, and private jet.

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