Is your job a hellish bore? Turn it into hellish fun with our game of nasty pranks. Grab a roll of toilet paper, shed your sense of decency—and see how much torture your coworkers can take. In any typical office in America—we’re frequently so bored that we throw interns out the window. (For the record, Peter, a chubby self-starter from Salt Lake City, bounced the highest.) Unfortunately, the police complained. And so was born…That Damn Maxim Office Game, a fast-paced free-for-all of pranks and dares that lets you abuse your colleagues, wear your necktie like a headband, start nasty rumors with breakfast cereal, and order pizza in the boss’ name—yet does not involve a prison term!
Eager to get started? Here’s everything you and your office pals will need. (But be advised: Play at your own risk. Maxim assumes no responsibility for the consequences of your actions—especially any sudden changes in, say, your employment status. Not suitable for children!)
Official Rules
The goal: To earn the most points—and win a pool of money—by performing the greatest number of pranks in a workday, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Pranks range from the elegantly simple (public burping) to the fiendishly complex (hiding tiny alarm clocks in your boss’ desk).
Who can play: Two to six coworkers.
The crucial rule: Under no circumstances can a player tell a nonplayer that he (or anyone else) is involved in The Game, no matter how desperately his behavior calls for an explanation. Yap to outsiders and you’re instantly disqualified.
How To Play
On the day before The Game, each player contributes 20 bucks to the pool. Then, while clutching a stapler, he takes That Damn Maxim Office Game Sacred Oath (below). Though this is an emotional moment, no crying is allowed.
Each player gets a copy of this article to carefully study the prank lists, form a strategy, and bring any props required from home. Punch out the 20 “Bag of Destiny” cards from the cardboard insert and place them in a bag. Store it in a player’s drawer. To conclude the opening ceremonies, staple the prize money together.
Play begins at 9 a.m. on Game Day.
You can score points in three basic ways:
The Pranks:
Complete any of the pranks listed below; they are divided by degree of difficulty into One-Point, Three-Point, and Five-Point categories. Note: A prank is not valid unless at least one nonplayer witnesses it.
The Bag of Destiny:
At 2 p.m., players gather in private and take turns choosing one card, designating a special dare, from the Bag of Destiny. Luck is a factor: You’ll either draw an easy challenge or a god-awful one. Carry it out before 5 p.m. to earn 25 points.
Bonus points:
To boost your score, you can also collect items from the Scavenger Hunt list.
Each player keeps track of the points he earns. On a notepad, he records each prank plus the victim/witness.
Play stops at 5 p.m. No, really, we mean it. The final scores are tallied. A winner is declared and presented with the pool. Unless he is a total asshole, he then invites all players to the local bar and blows his winnings by buying countless rounds of frosty beer.
The Sacred Oath
That Damn Maxim Office Game works on the honor system. To ensure that Honesty Prevails, each player in turn must repeat the following oath aloud at the opening ceremonies while holding a stapler to his heart:
I, [your name here], do solemnly swear to uphold the honor system while playing That Damn Maxim Office Game. I will neither falsify my score nor divulge any information regarding The Game to outsiders. Should I break this pledge, I understand that I will never, ever get to have sex again, not even with myself, and will end up French-kissing [name of your boss here] in hell!
The Pranks
One-point pranks
Run one lap around the entire office at top speed
Groan out loud while in a bathroom stall (at least one other person must be in the men’s room), then say, “Geez, that burns!”
Wear no socks for an hour
Hand a paper to some office schmuck, tag him, and say, “You’re it,” then run away
Sneakily pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your mug, leaving him with an inch or two of brew
Exchange the light bulb in someone’s desk lamp for a “racy” red one
Leave a copy of Penthouse Forum (open to a “good” letter) in the photocopier
Ignore the first five people who say hello to you in the morning
Phone a coworker you barely know and leave this voice-mail message: “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”
Goose-step down the hallway. Repeat until someone sees you
If someone says, “Excuse me,” respond in a belligerent voice, “No, you are not excused!”
Razor-blade the erasers off all of some poor loser’s pencils
Color all five nails of your left hand with yellow highlighter. Admire them now and then
Put ketchup, mustard, or Vaseline on the men’s room doorknob
To signal that a conversation is over, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, whispering huskily, “Mmmm…that feels so-o-o-o good!”
Stick a wad of chewing gum on the underside of the boss’ desk
After giving an underling a task, conclude by saying, “Now, mush!”
Limp for two hours
Turn the brightness level on the receptionist’s computer monitor all the way down, so he/she will think it’s broken
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone (including the boss) points this out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it that way”
Before a meeting, pin your hair to one side with a bobby pin
In classic third-grade style, stick out your tongue behind the boss’ back; make sure someone else sees
Pretend to faint
In the middle of a meeting, suddenly exclaim, “Yahtzee!”
Refer to your assistant as “my secretary” in front of him/her
Walk sideways to the photocopier
For half an hour, whistle the first 10 notes of “It’s a Small World” every two minutes
Drink a beer with your morning snack
Sharpen all of a coworker’s pencils down to tiny stubs
Squeeze the juice of a whole lemon into the office pot of coffee (should curdle the milk and taste revolting)
Put a large red apple (with a bite taken out of it) on your boss’ desk
Tape signs over the MEN and WOMEN bathroom signs that read BUOYS and GULLS
Burp, then say, “Mmmmm…tasty!” within earshot of others
Unplug the cable connecting a colleague’s keyboard to the back of his computer
Blow your nose, then offer to show the contents of your tissue
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “in”. Leave it there for at least an hour
While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically each time the door opens
Tape your fists à la Rocky with ordinary Scotch tape
Answer your phone by saying, “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”
Three-point pranks
Wear your tie like a headband for an hour
Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot ‘im with the double-barreled pointed fingers
In the elevator, ask a stranger, “Have you accepted me as your personal savior?”
The morning of The Game, shave only one side (left or right) of your face
Stick a sign on a victim’s back that says ASK ME ABOUT MY EMBARRASSING FOOT PROBLEM
Babble incoherently to a fellow employee, then say crisply, “Did you get all that?”
Page yourself over the intercom. (Do not disguise your voice)
When no one’s watching, remove the paper tray from the photocopier or laser printer and, with a felt pen, write the word Satan on several sheets at random. Reinsert tray
Drop a full cup of coffee while walking
At lunchtime, load up a small hibachi with charcoal, put it on your desk, then go around asking for lighter fluid. (If you actually light it, score 5 points)
Pretend to vomit in a meeting
Sneak up behind an office mate, cover his/her eyes, and (in raspy horror-movie voice) whisper, “Get out of the building!”
If your office has a water cooler, kneel and drink directly from the spigot. Make sure you have a witness
If you are an assistant, refer loudly to a superior as “what’s-his-name” (while jerking a thumb in his direction)
Stand on your head in a busy public area
Ask a male colleague if your ass “looks fat in these pants.” If he says no, say, “You’re just saying that”
Shout random numbers while someone is counting
Wear a Post-it on your forehead that reads: QUIET! GENIUS AT WORK! for 30 minutes
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem. (Score 5 points if you immediately launch into the song)
Drop a packet of red dye in the water cooler
While everyone is out to lunch, leave a carefully formed trail of Cap’n Crunch leading from your boss’ office to a fellow employee’s door
Input the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven” on your computer, then send this document to print 666 times
Jump on the table in the break room or cafeteria, holding a homemade sign that says UNION NOW!
Post a fake and idiotic memo from the boss on the office bulletin board
Walk into a Very Busy Person’s office and, while he/she watches with growing irritation, flick the light switch on and off 10 times
When shaking hands with someone in the office, pretend your hand has “seized up” and you can’t let go
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak with (even on the phone) as “Bob”
Ask a female staffer if she knows any women’s shoe stores that carry fuzzy pink high heels in, you know, really large sizes
Lick your hand and, before the saliva dries, shake someone else’s hand
In a meeting, announce loudly that you really have to “go number two”
Grip a Barbie doll by the feet and bang her against your desk “in frustration,” muttering, “Damn it, damn it, damn it!”
In your cubicle, put up a big banner that says CELEBRATE HUMP DAY!
In a meeting, announce that you really love to sleep with a pillow between your knees
After every sentence, say mon in a bad Jamaican accent. As in, “The report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for one hour
Pass around a sheet of paper asking other staff members to sponsor you in a Bake-Off
Rearrange the files in a coworker’s drawer so they’re backward (in reverse alphabetical order)
Dial 411 and, within earshot of a coworker, ask for the number of one of the following:
The Hanson Penis-Enlargement Clinic
The George Michael Intimacy Foundation
Bedwetters Anonymous
While an office mate is out, move his chair into the elevator
In a meeting or other crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!”
Take a five-minute catnap on the conference table
Outline a little square on the floor with tape and announce that this is your “personal space”
Ride the elevator wearing a cardboard FedEx envelope on your head
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and shout, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again”
Bring a cat to work
Write I NEED A SPANKING on 15 Post-its, then stick them on every available wall surface in a coworker’s office/area
In a colleague’s datebook, write, “10 a.m. See how I look in tights” on a page for a day in the near future
Repeat the following conversation 10 times with the same person:
“Do you hear that?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now”
Carry your computer monitor over to a coworker and say, “Wanna trade?”
Place a few half-eaten sandwiches underneath someone’s desk
Answer your phone by saying, “What the fuck do you want?”
Five-point pranks
While talking to your boss, pick your nose and eat the booger
Remove all the items taped or pinned to some anal-retentive type’s wall, then reattach them facing the wall
Stick an annoying bumper sticker on the women’s bathroom mirror
Order pizza for everyone in the office; give the boss’ name
Pretend to moonlight for a collection agency. Make long, fake phone calls at your desk, threatening to cut “messed-up bastards” off and destroy them
Come to work wearing army fatigues and very tightly laced boots
Wear sunglasses all afternoon
With a felt pen, write SH in tall block- letters on a piece of paper, then tape it over the first two letters of an EXIT sign so that it reads SHIT
Steal the receiver cord(s) from the receptionist’s phone(s). Call him/her repeatedly
Wrap a coworker’s chair entirely in toilet paper. Tie a bow around it
Arrange to have a contractor drop by to give you an estimate for installing a hot tub in your office
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call
Carry around a cream pie balanced on an upraised hand, as if you’re about to throw it. Laugh maniacally
Staple someone’s shirt to his pants
Get one of your coworkers to outline your body in chalk on the hall carpet
Replace the photo in the frame on a coworker’s desk with something you cut out of a magazine
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming
Wear a hand puppet and talk to your fellow workers “through” it
Whip out a cell phone during a meeting and start making calls regarding a multimillion-dollar Hollywood project
Climb a bathroom stall divider and cling to it like a koala bear for five minutes or until someone sees you, whichever comes first
Hide an alarm clock (travel size) in your boss’ desk. Make sure it’s set to go off during his next meeting
Steal five coats or jackets and, wearing all of them at once, stride purposefully through the office
Posing as the maître d’, call a colleague and tell him he won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go
Hide under your desk for half an hour
Heavily scent your office chair with an ounce or two of Jack Daniel’s
In a public area, clasp the hands of imaginary people on either side of you and sing: “We are the world. We are the children. We are the ones who make a brighter day. So let’s start giving!”
In a crowded elevator, face away from the door. Each time it opens, unbutton one button on your shirt
Within 10 throws, spike a pencil into one of the ceiling tiles in your boss’ office. (No points if it doesn’t stick)
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your own pants (you must act shocked and embarrassed when someone points it out to you)
Answer your phone by screaming as loud as you can
One-Point Patter
Talk Like A Winner
Score easy conversational points just by using That Damn Maxim Office Game power vocabulary. Score one point each time you use any of the following power words (in a full sentence!) while meeting with at least one nonplayer:
bittersweet
boobie
loins
moist
tentacles
merkin (and not as in “I’m an A-merkin”)
urethra
pucker
heavenly
spank
gosh
Siegfried & Roy
gristle
supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
lubricant
welt
Beelzebub
melon
mildew
palsy-walsy
Rastafarian
flipper
Maxim
stiffie
Bag Of Destiny Cards
Borrow a pencil, then return it with the point…broken!
Stuff a computer mouse…into your own mouth!
Start to shake a coworker’s hand, then…don’t!!
Burn…a really big envelope!
Sneeze…without covering your mouth!
Photocopy your hand…giving the finger!
Answer…someone else’s phone!
Next time you use the bathroom sink, leave the taps…running!
Pour a fresh, hot cup of coffee into…the sink!
Slam…a door!
Sit behind your desk completely nude from the waist down for 20 minutes
With a straight face, confront your boss and say: “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time…I really love you”
Prepare 40 “coupons” for a free pizza—listing a fellow employee’s extension as the “free delivery” number—and pass them out on the street
Krazy Glue the boss’ briefcase shut
Eat someone’s plant
Drink half a coffee cup of whiskey before 3:30 p.m. No breath mints or toothbrushing allowed
Completely cover a coworker’s window with shaving foam
Wrap a fellow employee’s chair in toilet paper, then smear the seat with chocolate
Slip 15 slices of luncheon meat inside random files in a coworker’s office
Drop staplers in all the toilet bowls in the men’s and women’s bathrooms on your floor
Bonus Points
Beg, Borrow, or Steal
Why stop at embarrassment? Try a little common theft—and boost your score—with That Damn Maxim Office Game Scavenger Hunt. Man cannot win The Game by pranks alone. Sometimes he must also steal Garfield notepads and other people’s birthday cakes. The Scavenger Hunt—a stealthy, low-key way to score extra points—is very simple. Just collect as many of the following items as possible from around your office, stash them away, and earn one point for each item at the end of the day:
Someone’s favorite/ sacred coffee cup
A bottle of Advil
Moldy food from the office fridge
Someone’s window shade or blinds
A package of Tums
A smiley face
A urine sample (can be your own)
200 photocopies of your nose enlarged to 150 percent
8 staplers
3 wall calendars
A coworker’s plant
4 fluorescent tubes from ceiling fixtures
Cleaning liquid or equipment from the janitor’s cart
Any object emblazoned with Garfield, Dilbert, Cathy, or an angel
A stuffed toy (2 points for a Beanie Baby)
A ceiling tile
Something pink
10 highlighters from other people’s desks
One of the boss’ business cards
The key to any special locked room
Junk food—chocolate, gum, etc.—from someone else’s area (10 points if you abduct a birthday cake or giant birthday cookie)
A troll doll
A family or significant-other photo from a coworker’s desk
A tissue with a lipstick print on it
A tampon from the women’s bathroom
200 FedEx forms
The coffee machine
A female staffer’s “extra” shoes
A copy of an interoffice memo that contains all of the following words: urgent, concerning, staff, therefore
Something dead (insect, fish, fellow player, etc.)
