Gandhi said it best: "There’s nothing funnier than the misfortune of others.” We say it’s even better when the misfortune is targeted at people you know. Read on and ruin your friends’ lives, alienate coworkers and get demoted with these delicious on-the-job practical jokes.
Transform a desk into a nest
While a coworker is away on vacation, open his windows and sprinkle birdseed on the windowsill. Continue sprinkling the birdseed on his desk, the picture of his wife and kids — maybe even on those important spreadsheets. Birds will arrive. Be hospitable. Encourage them to come in, eat up, stay awhile. Birds are not shy about relieving themselves. After a few days of this, his office will be covered in bird crap. And bird crap = funny.
Doctor the dictionary
All recent versions of Microsoft Word have an AutoCorrect function — it’s under the heading Tools — that corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The prank: Change words in the AutoCorrect dictionary. Rig someone’s computer so that every time he types the word the it automatically switches to vulva. Imagine your coworker’s surprise and delight!
Tape salmon under a chair
Buy a fish. Freeze it. Tape it under a coworker’s chair. Watch with glee as he sniffs his coffee, sniffs his pen, sniffs his pits and spends hours trying to figure out where that smell is coming from.
File a lobster
Continuing with the aquatic theme, place a live lobster or any other crustacean in the company file cabinet. Next, ask your assistant to kindly fetch a file for you. Settle sexual harassment suit out of court.
Delete a hard drive
Remember the good old days of computers when, every few months, your machine would crash and you’d lose everything you’d worked on? Take a coworker on a trip down memory lane by going to RJL Software (www.rjlsoftware.com) and downloading their Fake Delete program. Install the program on your coworker’s computer. When he returns, he’ll see his computer seemingly deleting the entire contents of his hard drive.
Tie a chair to a trash can
Using clear fishing line, tie your mark’s chair to his garbage can. Fill the garbage can with something embarrassing (we recommend Tail Ends magazine), and push the chair under his desk. When he pulls the chair out with any sort of force, the garbage will topple over, spilling its contents and causing him to look like a dirty little man.
Office work dull? ... None of your colleagues appreciate your humour? ... Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.
One-Point Gags
Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time).
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way.
Walk sideways to the photcopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three-Point Gags
Say to your boss, I like your style and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it.
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five Point Gags
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as Bob.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you really have to go do number two.
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, the report's on your desk, mon. Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again.
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: See how I look in tights.
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask You wanna trade?
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: Do you hear that? What? Never mind, it's gone now.
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, I can't talk about it.
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.
Five Signs
Your coworkers hate you
Hmmm…this coffee smells like urine.
Ha! Ha! That burning effigy hung from the ceiling looks just like you!
Bernadette from accounting would talk to you if her mouth wasn't full of bile.
Your desk was moved to the stairwell.
For your birthday, the office bought you a one-way ticket to hell.
Dirty Tricks
Improve your work environment, one mean-spirited prank at a time.
The File Cabinet
Smuggle a few cans of shaving cream into the office. Stick them in the kitchen freezer and leave them overnight.
The next day they will have burst open a bit, allowing you to peel off the metal and extract the frozen foam.
Place your bounty inside a coworker’s file cabinet. Overnight, the foam will thaw and swell to a mammoth size, producing a fantastic, folder-eating froth. While your mark cleans up the mess, you’re free to have sex with his wife.
The Screw
Wait until all your coworkers have gone home for the day.
Using a Phillips-head screwdriver, carefully unscrew (almost all the way, but not completely) every screw in every shelf, desk, cubicle and IKEA-style office-furniture piece of crap that you can find.
Sit happily as coworkers’ desks collapse around them. Wear safety goggles—those things splinter. To avoid suspicion, set your desk on fire.
The Phone
Go to a health-food store and buy some valerian root capsules.
Note the aroma: very similar to a filthy goat’s ass.
Separate a capsule and dump the contents into the mouthpiece of your victim’s phone, tapping it briskly to nestle the powder deep within.
Enjoy watching your mark retch repeatedly as he attempts to chat with potential clients. Here comes the butterscotch!
The Ceiling Tile
Place a sopping-wet towel on top of the ceiling tile just above your victim’s head. Also balance a bucket of water at the edge of the tile.
Poke a hole in the tile directly under the soggy cloth. This will cause a slow, Chinese torture-like drip upon your mark’s noggin.
He will eventually inspect the tile and, in turn, tip the bucket on his stupid head. Or fill the bucket with angry cats—it’s even funnier.
The Chair
On your mark’s dark fabric seat, apply three to four squirts of Tabasco sauce. It will dry with no visible evidence or smell.
After being sat upon for about an hour, the caustic residue will penetrate your victim’s pants.
Follow him as he darts to the bathroom, and watch him dunk his burning ass in the sink, desperate for relief. Then join him—it really is quite refreshing!
The Desk
Poke holes in the bottom of a can of tuna, allowing the juices to drain completely.
Apply a piece of double-sided tape to the top of the can.
Stick the can out of sight under your mark’s desk. Watch the victim sniff between his legs, hopelessly trying to discover what smells so bad. Later, add mayo and chopped celery for a delicious tuna-salad lunch.
The Copy Machine
Wedge a small piece of transparency in the corner of the copy plate, with the phrase "Sleep with me or you are fired” printed on it.
Laugh as a marketing assistant makes 15 copies of a 150-page report with those words appearing on every single page.
Smile as he’s escorted out by burly security guards. Then swipe his stapler.
Jacob Kalish. House Of Pranks. Dirty Tricks. Stuff. 2/19/2003.
Original Pranksta
Retire that whoopee cushion. Here are six new gags to play on your coworkers.
Fly Boy
Cut up some fruit and place it in a cup near an open window. The produce will slowly attract fruit flies and become infested with their eggs. Place the maggot colony under the new intern’s desk, then stroll over and suggest he bathe.
Chatty Chair
Snag a cheap teddy bear that makes noise when hugged and gut it for the touch-sensitive speaker. Then carefully insert the speaker under your boss’ chair cushion. When he sits down, “Hug me!” will coo from deep beneath his butt crease.
Word Imperfect
When your co-nerd is away, sneak into the AutoCorrect function in Microsoft Word and replace common words (if, the, and) with sassier phrases (man-spackle, bum chum, and I heart chodes). For once his memos will be the talk of the office.
Tuna Town
Allow a piece of fish to fester in a jar of water for a few weeks, opening it every now and then to let it aerate. Once it’s good and stinky, dab it on the underside of your victim’s desk. Save this one for douchebags on the other side of the office.
Gone Fishin’
Line the inside of a coworker’s drawer with heavy-duty clear garbage bags before adding rocks, plants, water, and the obligatory treasure chest. Then drop in a pair of live goldfish, sit back, and watch your former friend find Nemo.
Alpha Mail
When your target visits the john, send an e-mail from his account to the entire company asking, “Who is Bush’s vice president again?” The slew of responses will clog his in-box and knock him out of the
running for that promotion.
