Are you the most ambitious, dog-eat-dog cog in your cubicle gulag? Time to settle once and for all who’s the nine-to-five
Conan and who’s just a low totem pole bitch. It’s the hottest workplace sport since Pin the Tail on the Intern!
Even while your old man was telling you hard work pays off, he knew he was full of it. The ol’ ladder of success is scaled not by those with a work ethic but by the backstabbers most willing to step on heads just to grab that extra rung. That’s where Office Politics: The Game comes in—the object is to win a pool of money by undermining your most sniveling coworkers. Happy hunting, worker bee!
Official Rules
Print these iron-clad guidelines for playing the game in triplicate and pass them out.
Gather a self-important clique of three to six coworkers.
Every player throws 20 bucks into a pool.
Game play starts on a Monday, with an opening ceremony involving shredded documents as confetti, and ends Friday.
On any given day, only the Power Plays for that day may be attempted, but any one can be done multiple times, on multiple victims.
Each Power Play must be played on someone who’s not involved in the game.
Each completed Power Play must be documented via witnesses or paper trail.
Participants must swear to uphold the honor system and not cheat while trying their best to outwit, subvert, destroy, and outflank their coworkers.
Any disputes will be resolved via majority rule.
On Friday points will be tallied, the cash awarded, and the winner allowed to delegate his work for an entire week to any of the losers.
Washington's dirtiest tricks
So you want a bigger piece of your company's dwindling cash pie? It's time to crush your colleagues by employing Beltway-style smear tactics, just like your favorite ruthless politicians!
Swift Boat 2.0
Origin: In 2004 the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth slammed Senator John Kerry's previously unassailable Nam heroics. Kerry was forced to piss away valuable campaign time defending his war record.
Lesson: Undermine his strengths.
Office attack: Is your enemy's work always in early? Start a whisper campaign among colleagues that he pads his expenses. Even if bogus, if they hear it enough, they'll think it must have some truth to it.
Macaca
Origin: During his U.S. Senate campaign in Virginia in 2006, Republican incumbent George Allen referred to the Indian-American videotaping him as "macaca" — an obscure racial slur meaning monkey. A million YouTube hits later, Allen lost his seat.
Lesson: The Web is a weapon.
Office attack: Dig up an Internet skeleton by scouring the Web for embarrassing pics and blog posts. Even hough his tearful video testimonial on a Clay Aiken fan site isn't against the law, send the YouTube link around and his office cred will shrink to Ruben Studdard status.
The Shocker
Origin: In 1972 President Nixon's opposition research team uncovered that Thomas Eagleton, the VP candidate of Democratic nominee George McGovern, had undergone electroshock therapy to treat depression. McGovern lost by one of the largest margins in history.
Lesson: Play on the boss' fears.
Office attack: Fling some financial dirt. Web sites like Intelius.com can provide detailed personal financial history — bankruptcies, liens, small claims judgments, even criminal records. Leaking a few money management mishaps to your boss may finish off your rival. People are always inclined to believe the worst.
A surefire way to frazzle office adversaries
Cut a hanger and bend it into shape. Attach a wire and a piece of cardboard to a mousetrap to create the launch pad. Now rub your hands together in gleeful anticipation!
Fasten mousetrap to the back of your mark's monitor, then rig some fishing line from the trap to his mouse. If anyone asks what you're doing, tell them, "Keep walking, pal."
Fill launching pad with glitter or other powdered substance. When he moves his mouse for the first time, he'll trigger the trap and get doused with a sparkle shower. Wait for him to cry.
Power Plays
Monday
Everybody hates Mondays—now more than ever.
Slap a Post-it Note on a coworker’s computer while he’s gone with “Pay bookie,” “Buy crack,” or “Crotch salve.” (+1)
Wrench off the W, K, or Q keys from a coworker’s keyboard. (+1)
Anytime anyone asks where someone is, even if they’re in the copy room or using the bathroom, respond, “I don’t know. He went to lunch, like, an hour ago.” (+2)
Put a bottle of Metamucil in the fridge, with an angry note that says “DON’T TOUCH—THIS MEANS YOU” and sign it with a coworker’s initials. (+2)
Smear a thin film of Vaseline all over a coworker’s computer monitor. (+2)
Hide a coworker’s mail, especially interoffice mail. (+5)
Log into your e-mail remotely from home, late at night, and send some meaningless work to a coworker—cc everyone. (+5)
Steal all the staplers and stash them around someone else’s desk. (+1)
Stay five minutes later than a coworker. As he or she prepares to leave on time, look harried and busy, and snap, “Half day, huh?” (+2)
Fake sick all day. When someone asks you why you’re at work, state proudly, “Don’t worry, I’m not contagious. I just can’t screw everyone over like [coworker’s name] did when he had that stuffy nose.” (+5)
Steal a coworker’s idea. Tell everyone how he stole it from you. (+5)
Go into a coworker’s AutoCorrect function in Microsoft Word: Change minor words like “the,” “profit,” and “he” to “sucknuts,” “vomit,” and “peaches.” (+5)
Tuesday
Nobody expects professional Armageddon on a Tuesday.
Casually toss a copy of Neo-Nazi Poetry Monthly into someone’s trash can. (+1)
Mention how cute your boss’ kids are in front of him and another person. (+1)
If a coworker is late, joke that he must have been “drinking till three in the morning.” (+1)
E-mail a member of your team regarding a missed deadline, or some other small error, and cc his manager. (+2)
During a meeting, undermine your peer’s ideas by cutting him off with, “Wow, I had that same idea!” (+2)
Post an ad on Craigslist titled “Corporate Executive Looking For Hot BDSM Damage From Bear W/Handlebar.” Leave a coworker’s office number. (+2)
Start a nasty fight with a coworker over e-mail, then delete all your responses. Reply shocked, and blind cc your boss. (+5)
Blow by a coworker’s desk and shout, “Stop sniffing your finger.” (+3)
Send an e-mail from a coworker’s computer that says, “Printer down!” when the printer works just fine. (+1)
Send an e-mail to HR from your coworker’s computer asking if the company HMO covers gambling addiction. (+4)
Start a vicious rumor around the water cooler about a coworker on any of the following topics: “So-and-so is breaking up/divorcing,” “So-and-so is in trouble with the IRS,” or “So-and-so wears diapers.” (+5)
Wednesday
Hump Day…only now you’re actually screwing someone over.
During meetings, laugh extra hard at a coworker’s mediocre jokes. When asked later, tell people you felt sorry for him. (+1)
Publicly ask a coworker, over and over throughout the day, if he’s “feeling OK.” (+1)
Over the course of the day, slowly soak the carpet under your coworker’s chair with cheap bourbon. (+2)
Leave a fake résumé with a coworker’s name in the fax machine. Make sure a prior job on the résumé is “Neverland Ranch.” (+2)
Twist and remove one of the wheels off the chair of a coworker. Place it conspicuously on the desk of a rival coworker. (+2)
Replace one of your coworker’s family desk photos with nude pics of fat Europeans. (+5)
Mispronounce a coworker’s name. When he corrects you, just shrug and wink. (+5)
Dump hundreds of show-tune MP3s on a coworker’s personal server file. This will slow the network down, and IT will have to go searching for the offender. (+5)
Thursday
The end of the week is near, and so is someone’s reputation.
Ask a manager if he’s seen a coworker. When the manager asks why, respond, “No reason. Nothing’s the matter. Why would anything be the matter?” (+1)
Compliment the following useless talents: collating ability, color copying, numerous smoke breaks, and persistent trips to rest room. (+1)
Set a coworker’s desk clock back five subtle minutes. (+1)
Randomly ask a colleague, “Did you hear what [coworker’s name] said to that intern?” When the colleague responds, “No,” shake your head in disapproval. (+2)
Tell a coworker, “So-and-so thinks you’re cute.” Tension builds as the coworker can’t figure out why the person doesn’t flirt back. (+2)
Make GeriatricErotica.com a coworker’s Web browser home page. (+5)
Friday
Thank God it’s Friday—someone wins and everybody else eats it.
Ignore Official Rules #5 and/or #7. (+5)
Tell a coworker that a certain other coworker was in the rest room snorting either a powdered donut or… (+1)
Pass the buck in public to an unsuspecting coworker by completing your request with the phrase, “There is no ‘I’ in team.” If he makes even a tiny error, admonish him. (+2)
Instead of dialing your colleague’s direct extension, dial “1” and the area code first so that your number doesn’t appear on his caller ID. Cover the mouthpiece and don’t say anything. Just listen to him say, “Hello, hello, hello.” (+2)
Anytime a coworker shows a photo of their husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend, remark on how happy you are they “finally found a way to work it out.” (+5)
Start a blog with a coworker’s name for the URL. “Expose” corruption in the office. (+5)
Secretly replace desk toys with bottles of Aunt Jemima syrup. (+5)
In Office Politics
Keep your enemies close, and the females closer
The Aging Executive
Beneath the tough exterior stirs the heart of a woman who wants rough attention from a younger man. Once you detect physical interest, put out a flirty e-mail or text to let her know about the powerful effects she has on you. If she wants to turn her fantasies into reality, let it happen—she’s got more to lose.
The Prudish HR Dame
She’s a strict enforcer of political correctness, but deep down she craves the sort of male attention she sees on her soaps. Mixed signals are the key—show genuine interest in her tastes (cats, dieting, whatever), but occasionally slip in something extra that indicates true affection. She’ll soon become a valuable pawn.
The Puppyish Intern
Cute and eager to please, she crushes easily. Use this to your advantage. Complain about the women in your life—they take but never give. Meanwhile your air of disorganization is making her feel a little sorry for you, and by mixing those maternal instincts with strong sexual desires, you’re stirring the sexual pot.
The Girl Next Cubicle
Find out her interests and reveal that you have similar tastes. With the lure of seeing her favorite band in concert, get her to go out with you. Increase the frequency of your meetings, but tell no one. The excitement of this secret will heat her to a boil. Be sure to lock the door of the supply room.
The Siren Secretary
She’s undeniably attractive, so begin your campaign by showing interest only in her personality. When she starts wondering why you don’t hit on her, stoke the flames by being hot and cold. Your goal is to make her pursue you. As coworkers take note, you’ll become the ultimate alpha male.
Office Politics / Seduce and Destroy. . July 2005 / March 2007.
