And then came the Assumptions; and the Assumptions were without form; and the Plan was without substance, and darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, It's a crock of shit and it stinkenth.
And the Workers went to their supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.
And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying, It is a container
of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.
And the Managers went onto the Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying onto them, It promotes growth and it is very powerful.
And the Vice Presidents went onto the President, saying onto him, This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.
And the President looked onto the Plan, and saw that it was good and blessed it. And the Plan became Policy; this is how Shit Happens.
The Lord Speaks To Noah And Says:
In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
Remember, You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year, said the Lord.
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. He shouted.
Noah, Where is the Ark?
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.
I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" The Lord said sadly.
No, The government already has.
Bidding - Additional Requirements
Section 1A - The Truth
The requirements of Division 01 and of those documents under bidding requirements and conditions of the contract and anything else we don't think looks good here is null and void. If you know what's good for you, you'd read this real close (meaning the contractor).
1.1 The work we did is clearly showed in the attached plans and specifications. Our engineer, whose had plenty of college, spent one hell of a lot of time when he drawed up these here plans and specifications, but nobody can think of everything.
Once your bid is in - that's it, brother. From then on, anything wanted by our engineer, or any of his friends, or anybody else (except the contractor) shall be considered as showed, specified or implied and shall be provided by the contractor without no expense to nobody, but himself (meaning the contractor).
1.2 If the work is did without no expense to the contractor, then the work will be took down and did again until the extra expense to the contractor is satisfactory to our engineer.
1.3 Our engineer's plans is right as drawed. If sumthin is drawed wrong, it shall be discovered by the contractor, corrected, and did right at no extra expense to us. It won't cut no ice with us or our engineer if you point out any mistakes our engineer has drawed. If you do, it will be one hell of a long time before you do any more work for us or him (meaning the engineer).
1.4 The contractor is not supposed to make fun of our engineer, his plans, or the kind of work we're having did. If he does, it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).
1.5 Any contractor walking around the jobs with a smile on his face is subject to the review of his bid.
1.6 If the contractor don't find all our engineer's mistakes before he bids the job, or if the contractor ain't got enough sense to know that our engineer is going to think up a bunch of new stuff that's going to have to be did before the job is complete, then it's just too bad for him (meaning the contractor).
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah.