Talk your way to the middle of the corporate ladder.
Value proposition: A particular advantage that a business offers a client
Your boss says: "All our customers are now going to our competitor on 128th Street."
You say: "We need to raise our visibility with a unique value proposition - so let's offer a free massage, including happy ending, with every order."
Socialize: To float an idea around the company in order to gauge reaction and win its acceptance
Your boss says: "I want to enact a six-day work week and make pregnancy grounds for immediate termination. But I'm afraid I'll be made into some sort of bad guy."
You say: "Let's socialize the idea until everyone thinks it's already policy. Then we'll quietly make it official."
Circle back around: To continue a meeting or discussion at a later date
Your boss says: "You need to kick this into high gear. I have a tee time in half an hour."
You say: "Sorry sir, but I'm working as fast as I can. Why don't we just circle back around when you return from your play date?"
Negative growth: Shrinking profits or outright money loss
Your boss says: "Explain to me what these charts mean for us."
You say: "Well, sir, it looks like last quarter saw some negative growth, not unlike myself after watching you parade around in those exceedingly tight slacks."
Biz-speak to make you seem savvy
Meatball sundae
The mixing together of two excellent business ideas with predictably disastrous results.
Blamestorming
Business meetings that devolve into finding fault for why projects have gone wrong, rather than looking for successful results. This is also known as a postmortem.
Petting the eagle
Using American-based imagery to get consumers to purchase your product.
Skintern
Female intern who quickly decides to don provocative clothing to alter the competitive balance of the intern pool. Also known as the next Mrs. fill-in-your boss' name.
Faking Money
Three ways to Enron your expenses like a pro.
Bring the geeks into the fold
Keep your friends close and Larry in accounting closer. Staring at forms all day, surrounded by career mathletes - the number cruncher just wants to live. Inviting him out for a beer at Bennigan's every six months is the psychological equivalent of slipping him a hundy.
Use the rhythm method
Mark it on your calendar, set an alarm on your computer, or synchronize with your girlfriend - just make sure you hand in an expense sheet once a month. Even if it's one receipt for a staple remover, do it anyway. When it's routine for you, it's routine for the spreadsheet jockey Hello, rubber stamp!
Beat the devil with details
Expensing that $250 anniversary dinner but worried it's going to look suspicious among a sea of $100 steaks-with-the-client? Justify it as a night out with a big-shot customer, like, say, the VP of ad sales for Pepsi. Don't know his name? Visit your good friend Google.
Five Signs
Your ass-kissing skills need work
The new Jewish, African American, lesbian CEO didn't like your "How many Jewish, African American, lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" joke.
Smithers doesn't even find you attractive.
No matter how hard you try, you keep kissing the frass.
Instead of saying "Thanks for the coffee," your boss says, "I'm going to stab your face off."
Your nose only has a hint of light mocha, six shades less than brown, according to our Sherwin-Williams chart.
Bandwidth: One's capacity to take on work
Your boss says: "I need these TPS reports done - stat!"
You say: "Sorry, sir, but I don't have the bandwidth right now. Try Thompson. He's been working on his Haley Joel Osment fan site all day."
Hydraulics of the situation: The facts needed to understand an issue
Your boss says: "Why the hell would I let you telecommute today?"
You say: "Here are the hydraulics of the situation: Last night I soaked up a dozen tequila shots with a chili cheese dog, and I just found out my shower is busted. You don't want me anywhere near the office."
Net it out: To consider all factors and summarize
Your boss says: "I know you spent 80 hours last week finishing this report, but I'm not going to read it. It's too long."
You say: "I can net it out for you if dickholesayswhat, sir."
Wordsmith: To scan a document and provide comments
Your boss says: "Thompson's report reads like my idiot daughter's book report on Thomas the Tank Engine."
You say: "I'll wordsmith it and get it to you by end of day."
Timebox: To do the best you can under time constraints
Your boss says: "Why is your report written on the back of a restaurant napkin that's smothered in salsa?"
You say: "I had to timebox in order to meet deadline, keep the client happy, and get my daily extreme fajitas fix."
Barn raising: Relying on resources from many parts of the company to solve a problem
Your boss says: "We haven't done our budgets since 1997, and we need to do a complete audit ... by tomorrow."
You say: "Do some barn raising. It'll slow down other departments and makes us look better as a result."
360-degree review: Assessment of an employee by everyone he works with, from managers to clients to assistants
Your boss says: "Between you and me, I'm having second thoughts about Thompson."
You say: "Agreed. But perhaps it would be more professional if I save my feedback - complete with surveillance video documenting his penchant for cybersex during work - for his 360-degree review."
Low-hanging fruit: Objectives that are easiest to accomplish
Your boss says: "What do you think of Lacy, the 20-year-old intern from Florida State wearing the tube top and plaid miniskirt?"
You say: "Three words, sir: low-hanging fruit."
Incentivize: To encourage
Your boss says: "Sell more or find anotherjob."
You say: "I'm certain that I would more readily meet quota if I were incentivized with, say, a profit-sharing program ... or an all-expenses-paid trip to Tijuana."
Directionally correct: Not exactly right, but not wrong
Your boss says: "As I understand it, your laptop froze up, so you hurled it through the windshield of the IT guy's car."
You say: "I felt my actions were directionally correct."
Granularity: The details
Your boss says: "Who sent our clients a butt plug shaped like J. Edgar Hoover for Christmas? Because they're fired."
You say: "I made sure the clients got gifts of some sort, but I had nothing to do with the granularity."
Versatilist: An employee with a broad range of skills.
Your boss says: "I need you to pick up my dry cleaning, silence my yappy mistress on line three, and change my screen saver to the one where the fish swim around."
You say: "No problem at all, sir. I like to think of myself as a versatilist."
Day-two project: A low-priority task
Your boss says: "The new guy hasn't been paid in three months. I promised I'd straighten that out with payroll today, but I have seats behind home plate."
You say: "Eh, that's really a day-two project anyway - enjoy the game!"
Reconsense: To revise an opinion as necessary
Your boss says: "That guy we offered the job yesterday? The cops found 28 dead male hookers in his attic."
You say: "In that case I recommend we reconsense and hope our second choice is more discreet."
Throw it over the wall: Shift responsibility
Your boss says: "The media found out that we've rigged our women's bathrooms with Webcams that link to a site called slutsinpowersuits.com. They want a statement."
You say: "Let's throw it over the wall to public relations."
Capitalized reputation: A value based on buzz instead of tangible assets
Your boss says: "Jiminy Christmas! The redhead in accounts payable has delightful sweater kittens!"
You say: "It's all capitalized reputation, sir. That's a padded Wonderbra. And, yes ... I'm sure."
Ky Henderson. Mumbo Jumbo. . May 2007.
Five Signs
You live in a Mountain Dew commercial
It’s June, and you’re always snowboarding.
Everyone throws cans of soda at your head.
Strangely, you’re thirsty at 15,000 feet.
Dirt bikes? Why the hell are you riding a dirt bike?
The…shaking…can’t stop…the shaking…
The Value Of Advertising
It tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks.
If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.
Types (Definitions)
Direct Marketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
Advertising:
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed."
Telemarketing:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
Public Relations:
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
Brand Recognition:
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
