I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among EMPLOYEES can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $ 10.00 Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to EMPLOYEES who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange — no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people — nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces Director
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians — I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
Human Resources Terminology
Performance Evaluations
A Keen Analyst
: Thoroughly confused.
Active Socially
: Drinks heavily.
Alert To Company Developments
: An office gossip.
Approaches Difficult Problems With Logic
: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average
: Not too bright.
Character Above Reproach
: Still one step ahead of the law.
Competent
: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious And Careful
: Scared.
Consults With Supervisor Often
: Pain in the ass.
Demonstrates Qualities Of Leadership
: Has a loud voice.
Deserves Promotion
: Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.
Enjoys Job
: Needs more to do.
Exceptionally Well Qualified
: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses Self Well
: Can string two sentences together.
Gets Along Extremely Well With Superiors And Subordinates Alike
: A coward.
Happy
: Paid too much.
Hard Worker
: Usually does it the hard way.
Indifferent To Instruction
: Knows more than superiors.
Is Unusually Loyal
: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement Is Usually Sound
: Lucky.
Keen Sense Of Humor
: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains Professional Attitude
: A snob.
Meticulous In Attention To Detail
: A nitpicker.
Not A Desk Person
: Did not go to college.
Of Great Value To The Organization
: Turns in work on time.
Quick Thinking
: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires Work-Value Attitudinal Readjustment
: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should Go Far
: Please.
Slightly Below Average
: Stupid.
Spends Extra Hours On The Job
: Miserable home life.
Stern Disciplinarian
: A real jerk.
Strong Adherence To Principles
: Stubborn.
Tactful In Dealing With Superiors
: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes Advantage Of Every Oppertunity To Progress
: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes Pride In Work
: Conceited.
Unlimited Potential
: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses Resourses Well
: Delegates everything.
Uses Time Effectively
: Clock watcher.
Very Creative
: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Well Organized
: Does too much busywork.
Will Go Far
: Relative of management.
Zealous Attitude
: Opinionated.
Job Search
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload
:
You whine, you're fired.
Apply In Person
:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
Career-Minded
:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Casual Work Atmosphere
:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
College Degree Preferred
:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, english or religion.
Competitive Environment
:
We have a lot of turnover.
Competitive Salary
:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Duties Will Vary
:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Entry-Level Position In An Up-And-Coming Company
:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
Flexible Hours
:
Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Good Communication Skills
:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I Am Adaptable
:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I Am On The Go
:
I'm never at my desk.
I Have Formal Training
:
I'm a college drop-out.
I Know How To Deal With Stressful Situations
:
I'm usually on prozac. When i'm not, i take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I Look Forward To Hearing From You Soon
:
Like, i'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
I Seek A Job That Will Draw Upon My Strong Communication & Organizational Skills
:
I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I Take Pride In My Work
:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm Extremely Adept At All Manner Of Office Organization
:
I've used microsoft office.
I'm Extremely Professional
:
I carry a day-timer.
I'm Highly Motivated To Succeed
:
The minute i find a better job. I'm outta there.
I'm Honest, Hard-Working And Dependable
:
I pilfer office supplies.
I'm Personable
:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm Willing To Relocate
:
As i leave san quentin, anywhere's better.
Immediate Opening
:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company
:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Must Be Deadline Oriented
:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Must Have An Eye For Detail
:
We have no quality control.
My Background And Skills Match Your Requirements
:
You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
My Pertinent Work Experience Includes
:
I hope you don't ask me about all the mcjobs i've had.
Nationally Recognized Leader
:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
No Phone Calls Please
:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem-Solving Skills A Must
:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Profit-Sharing Plan
:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
Requires Team Leadership Skills
:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience
:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Some Overtime Required
:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Thank You For Your Time And Consideration
:
Wait! Don't throw me away!
Having Trouble Matching Employees to Positions?
Do you or your company struggle with fitting people into jobs? Here's a somewhat tongue-in-cheek hint. Put employees into a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them without any instruction and check back on them in two hours.
If they have taken the table apart ... assign them to engineering.
If they are screaming and waving their arms ... send them off to manufacturing.
If they are counting butts in the ashtray ... put them in finance.
If they are writing up the experience ... send them to tech pubs.
If they are talking to the chairs ... assign them to personnel.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks ... send them to marketing.
If they are sleeping ... they are management material.
If they do not notice when you walk in ... place them in security.
And if they have left early ... put them in sales.
The HR Manager
One day while walking downtown, a woman supervisor in the human resources department was hit by a bus and tragically killed. When her soul arrived in heaven, she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we have never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're not at all sure what to do with you." "No problem", said the woman, "just let me in." "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is to let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in" the Saint replied. "Actually, I think I've already made up my mind...I would prefer to stay in Heaven". "Sorry, but we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and went down-down-down it went to Hell.
When the elevator doors opened, the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance, there was a country club and standing just in front of her were all of her old friends - fellow HR professionals that she had once worked with.
They were all dressed in evening gowns, and everyone was cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and she had a wonderful time talking with everyone about old times.
They then played an excellent round of golf, and that night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
At the clubhouse, she met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and the door opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said.
So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around the clouds, playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours in Heaven were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've now spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. It is time for you to choose your eternity" he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her back to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. To her horror, she saw that her friends were now dressed in rags and picking up garbage to put in sacks for the evening meal.
The Devil came up to her, put his arm around her and laughed. "I don't understand," stammered the HR manager, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned, "that's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
How to hire people
Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks ... Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them.
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in reception
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management!
Starting Salary
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Employee Reference Letter
The parts in paranthesis and italics, are not in the original letter.
ACME, INC.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing this letter to commend the services of my former employee, Mr. John Smith.
I most enthusiastically recommend this person with no qualifications whatsoever. (That is to say, This person HAS no qualifications whatsoever.)
I'm sorry we let him get away, (What he means: We should have prosecuted.) for Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker. (Every OTHER day, maybe.)
You won't find many people like him. (Most people can't stand him at all.)
Whenever he was asked to do anything, it only took a second to get it done. (A second person, that is.) You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind. (He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.) Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do. (We were always wondering that, too.)
Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will quickly forge a name for himself within your company. (Don't leave any blank checks lying around.)
You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. (Unfortunately, we couldn't get him to work for us!)
All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly. (In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all.)
Sincerely,
Wyle E. Coyote, President
ACME, Inc.
Not A Quitter
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the interviewer his application. The interviewer begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. "I must say," says the interviewer, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the interviewer, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy. "At least, I'm not a quitter."
