Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The other engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
Engineering Conversion Chart
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Engineers' Terminology
"Engineer Speak" is before the dash and the "Definition" is in italics.
A Number Of Different Approaches Are Being Tried
- We are still pissing in the wind.
Extensive Report Is Being Prepared On A Fresh Approach To The Problem
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
Close Project Coordination
- We know who to blame.
Major Technological Breakthrough
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
Customer Satisfaction Is Delivered Assured
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
Preliminary Operational Tests Were Inconclusive
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
Test Results Were Extremely Gratifying
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
The Entire Concept Will Have To Be Abandoned
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
It Is In The Process
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
We Will Look Into It
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Please Note And Initial
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
Give Us The Benefit Of Your Thinking
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
Give Us Your Interpretation
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
See Me Or Let's Discuss
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
All New
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Rugged
- Too damn heavy to lift!
Lightweight
- Lighter than RUGGED.
Years of Development
- One finally worked.
Energy Saving
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
Low Maintenance
- Impossible to fix if broken.
Take Four
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Take Five
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Take Six
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I've never had a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Comprehending Contractors
Take One
A pastor, a doctor and a contractor were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The contractor fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The contractor said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Take Two
There was a contractor who had an exceptional gift for solving problems. After working for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later one of his clients contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to produce but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired contractor who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The contractor reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the contractor for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The contractor responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.00 - Knowing where to put it $49,999.00.
It was paid in full and the contractor retired again in peace.
Take Three
An architect, an engineer and a contractor were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The engineer said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The contractor said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Contractor "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the job and get some work done."
You Might Be An Engineer If ...
NASA-ese
Scientists examining images sent from the Mars Odyssey noted a possible "cave skylight" in the surface of the planet.
Translation: They saw a "hole" in the ground.
In the 1980s, aerospace engineers were tasked with designing a "cell electronic unit cooling subassembly."
Translation: They made a "fan."
A report on Endeavour's 13th launch explains that the flight crew "ingressed" into the orbiter.
Translation: They "went" in it.
In 2007 report, NASA administrator Michael D. Griffin warned against too many "desirements" in the Constellation program.
Translation: "Shit" they like but don't need.
After Ingesting powdered chili, astronauts often utilize the "Shuttle waste contamination system."
Translation: They destroy a "toilet."
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When unmanned spacecraft Pioneer 10 and Pioneer 11 were launched into the cold dark of space in 1972 and 1973, respectively, they were outfitted with plaques inscribed with the exact image seen above, designed by cosmo-crazy astronomer Carl Sagan. Should either of the Pioneers encounter any life forms during their travels, the image is supposed to clearly explain to the residents who humans are and where we reside in the universe. You've got a man giving a friendly gesture, a woman just kind of standing there, the spacecraft's flight path from third planet from the Sun, a schematic of a hydrogen atom-makes total sense, doesn't it? We only hope that if aliens are able to figure out this baffling design and visit our planet, they aren't disappointed to find that, unlike the chick in this drawing, all Earth ladies don't rock the full Brazilian.
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You are always late to meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You know what http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
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