Alcohol & Drugs

The image of a curmudgeonly desk jockey with a bottle of Scotch stashed in a desk drawer might be a humorous cliche, but drinking on the job is no joke. In addition to the personal consequences to the drinker, alcoholism can affect the workplace by creating an unsafe environment, straining interpersonal relationships, and reducing productivity due to sloppy work, chronic tardiness, and absenteeism.

Believe it or not, it’s a pretty common problem. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, about 9 percent of full-time workers reported heavy alcohol use. And about 7 percent admitted to drinking during the workday. Have a problem drinking on the job? We can help.

Pick Your Liquor

"Whiskey, rum, and gin all have telltale odors,” notes Frank Kelly Rich, the functional alky who runs Modern Drunkard Magazine. "But vodka has less of an odor.” Stir up a screwdriver in a Starbucks cup before work, or use a syringe to inject vodka into a grapefruit or orange. Yum!

Work Smart

Talk as little as possible. "Use short, flat monosyllables,” Rich advises. A simple "yep” may be all you need to utter between sipping and mindlessly flipping papers. "The p ensures you finish with your mouth closed, barring booze breath and slurring. It also has a certain casual finality.”

Act Peppy

As a cover, create a new persona. Cultivate a happy-go-lucky facade so you always seem drunk. Adorn your cubicle with cute pictures, and stroll to the copier with a jaunty bounce in your step. In other words, "be the aggressively pleasant work mate you have always loathed.”

Keep Buzzing

Of course, there’s always a chance you’ll get caught. Unless you’re the one in charge, play the victim. Says Rich: "Start sobbing uncontrollably and throw yourself at your accuser’s feet.” Try, ‘I’m diseased! Help me help myself…or I’ll sue.’ Then, with your job safe, take the day off and hit the bar.

If You’re fired, you no good drunk, you can handle it! Businesslike: Can you send my severance check to 8th Avenue Liquors? They’ll know what to do with it. Congenial: Okay, but I’m pretty sure I’m blacked-out right now, so can you call me tomorrow and remind me? Contrary: For your information, I happen to be a very good drunk. Disappointed: Oh great, and I just poured my best bottle of vodka in the water cooler. Diversionary: I’m tired? Maybe I should head home early. Grateful: I guess this gives me a shoddy excuse to embark on a weeklong bender of hard drinking, dire self-examination and monstrous self-pity. I love you, man! Indignant: Oh, so you’re firing the drunks now, eh? Who’s next? Hispanics? Jews? You fascist pig! Opportunistic: Fine. Now, how about that farewell cocktail? Spiteful: I was only using this job as a bar tab reference anyway. Vengeful: I won’t miss you, but I will miss screwing your wife at the company parties.

Your specific drug testing situation may vary but if you are applying for employment in the private sector you may very well not be violating any laws when you attempt to pass a drug test. This is the statement made by the Department of Labor Workplace Advisor:: Most employers over the United States aren’t required to drug test and most state and local governments have statutes that limit or restrict workplace drug testing, unless required by state or Federal regulations for certain jobs. Drug testing is NOT required under the Drug-Free Workplace Act of 1988. However, most private employers have the right to test for a wide variety of substances. It is very important that before designing a drug-testing program you familiarize yourself with the various state and Federal regulations that may apply to you or your organization. It is very important that you verify the legalities of trying to pass your drug test and keep in mind the easiest way to pass a drug test is not to take drugs in the first place.

Your best plan to pass drug testing is not to do drugs at all or at try to quit for a short while before testing. It seems like a great way to pass your drug test but the problem with employee random drug testing is, you don't know when your employer will tell you it’s your turn to drop a specimen. Your employer may not even be required by law to give you advance notice for your drug test, pretty much blowing all chance you had at randomly passing. Even with advanced notice, drug testing can detect drugs for days to weeks, depending on the drug, frequency of use, specimen and test type, metabolism, and other factors. How long you need to lay off drugs depends on which substance is used, how often, body weight, metabolism, as well as other contributing factors. The only sure way to know is to order a drug-testing kit to see if your clean.

There are very few ways known for flushing your body free of drugs or tricking the tests by herbs, certain foods, detoxifier pills, coffee, etc. Some are myths, but some are proven to work and work well. There is speculation that drinking lots of water before a urine drug test might dilute drugs and metabolites just enough, to put them below the cutoff levels. But, lots of water makes your urine look pale. It's a healthy sign that you're well-hydrated, but also a waving flag that you might have tried to “flush” and dilute and fool your drug test.

Another myth is about claiming to be a passive user, like by accidentally inhaling pot smoke at a concert or similar event. You can try using that excuse, but if you're a regular pot smoker, it won’t help you. Your level will probably be above the cutoffs and far above that of the passive smoker, which, at only about 5 ng/ml or so, is well below the cutoffs. The same goes for passive absorption, like from maybe handling a dollar bill that was unknowingly rolled into a straw to snort coke. It sounds like a good story, but you have to think about how many excuses the drug test givers hear on a daily basis. It’s not likely they are going to believe you. It's true that eating poppy seeds can cause false positives for opiates a few hours later in urine drug tests. But labs claim that hair analysis can distinguish between opiate abuse and poppy-seed ingestion.

False positives, in which employees are accused of marijuana use or any other drug, are highly unlikely so long as labs exercise proper care (however, not all labs do this). The standard procedure is to first screen the samples with an immunoassay test (e.g., EMIT® or RIA®), then confirm positive results with the more accurate gas chromatograph mass spectrometer (GCMS). This virtually eliminates the chance of false positives for a drug test in exchange for a relatively high rate of "false negatives," where drug use is not detected. The sensitivity of the test is determined by the concentration of metabolites it is set to detect: for the Dept. of Transportation, the standard cutoff is 50 nanograms/milliliter (ng/ml).

No substance is known to produce a false positive for marijuana. It used to be that ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, Nuprin) interfered with the marijuana test, but this problem has been fixed. A variety of over-the-counter medicines can cause false positives for amphetamine and other illicit drugs on the EMIT test, but not on the GCMS. "Passive smoking" of marijuana is not an acceptable excuse at the 50 ng/ml level, since only in extreme circumstances can a non-smoker absorb enough pot to test urine positive (e.g., being stuck in a closet full of heavy smokers for hours). However, passive exposure may result in positive tests at 25 ng/ml or lower.

First and foremost, make sure your employer has the legal right to test you. Ask them for their drug testing policies in writing. Your employer should know if the testing facility is accredited. They must advise you as to the testing procedure and what steps are to be taken in the event of a positive test result. These are legitimate concerns and should legally be answered up front. If they cannot answer them they may revoke the test completely.

Take a deep breath and think. Don’t rely on excuses. If you fail your drug test don't throw a fit. Inform them that this is 'simply not possible' and ask them how this could possibly be. Do not volunteer any other information. As far as you are concerned failing the drug test was never even a remote consideration in your mind. Ask them what you can do about this situation and see if you can retest at a later date. Your best reaction in this situation is puzzlement, not anger. Reasonable cooperation is the best approach. Remember, if you want the job you will need to re-test at some date. Your best chance of this is cooperation and putting the test date off as far as possible.

The man is out to nail ya for that silly peyote habit. Thank heavens for cheating. Employee drug tests are on the rise and corporations make up their own rules these days. Random drug testing is their new weapon of choice. This means they come up to you while you are at your desk and tell you to come with them and immediately submit to a urine test, saliva drug test, or the most advanced method, the hair drug test. Remember, You Are Guilty Until Proven Innocent!!!

Spit Decision

Though rarer than urine and hair checks, saliva tests are gaining popularity—some schools use them to bust stoner students. They’re harder to beat (enterprising addicts are still devising screens), but spit tests tend to detect the parent drug rather than the residue of it in your system, so they only go back a few hours. If you can pass up that breakfast bowl, you’ll be good to go. Or visit Pass Your Drug Test and grab some Spit ’N’ Kleen Mouthwash. Worth a shot.

Clot in the Act

Because they require clinical conditions, blood tests are rarely used outside of confirming drug use following major car accidents. Web companies offer detox teas that claim to cleanse your system within hours, but they don’t actually work, says Allen St. Pierre, director of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. Instead, just take a few days off from your porno-and-poppers routine. Like saliva tests, they can only go back a few hours.

Hairy Situation

It’s the second most common test: Strands of hair hold a history of drug use, so the longer they are, the further back tests go. But don’t go all Lex Luther; they’ll just take a sample from somewhere else on your body. Your best bet is, ahem, a perm. With luck, the chemicals will strip the follicles, erasing evidence of your bender in Jamaica. Follow up by washing your hair with an astringent shampoo like Aloe Rid by Nexxus three times a day. Bonus: It’ll finally be clean.

Sweat Science

A new test called PharmChek is a patch that picks up on coke, pot, opiates, PCP, and meth and other amphetamines. You wear it 24 hours a day for a week, so it gives a pretty accurate picture of everything you’ve done. Fortunately for most of you, right now it’s used only in the criminal justice system. For the rest, there have been several cases of the patch testing positive but the urine testing clean. So claim it’s a false positive—then see below to beat the urine check.

Pee Time

"The most common procedure today is urine testing,” notes St. Pierre. It traces drug use from three days to four months back, so make like suspended Viking Onterrio Smith and get a Whizzinator, a faux schlong that dispenses drug-free synthetic urine into the cup. It won’t fly in the NFL, where testers get off on actually watching you piss, but as long as you buy the right color dingus, you should cruise through most corporate checks. Whee!

The Feeling Good Handbook Revised with up-to-date information on the most commonly prescribed psychiatric drugs, "The Feeling Good Handbook" has sold more than 500,000 copies in previous editions.

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