Recognize a crap job. Blindly accepting a new job can be tempting, and often it’s only after squeezing into a cramped cube (they promised an office) that you realize how deeply you’ve screwed yourself by taking it. If you spot any of these signs during an interview, grab your briefcase and run.
Bloody Cubes
There were mass layoffs weeks before your interview, and a whole new regime is now in place. Your prospective employers present this as an opportunity to “get in on the ground floor.” Don’t be a fool—firings mean financial instability. Do your research and avoid such shipwrecks before boarding.
Bogus Boss
The Big Man complains about previous employees: too immature, not ready for responsibility, could not think on their own. He wants people with initiative, he says. But a little research reveals that he cycles through subordinates like paper towels. You’re being offered up as a sacrificial lamb. Don’t approach the altar.
Project Reject
The company wants to bring you on board to take over a stalled initiative. You’d have to be the fixer, the one to straighten things out, and your potential boss is treating you more like an ally. The truth is that there is a vicious power struggle going on, and you are getting in the middle of it. Don’t take the bait.
Tour de Farce
As the HR woman nervously shows you around the office, the tension is palpable: dead silence, people hunched over their computers, cubicles devoid of any and all personality. Your potential employees present this as a serious, workmanlike atmosphere, but in fact it is more like the Soviet Politburo.
Big Break
Your interviewer keeps repeating statements like, “You will learn the whole trade, through and through.” You need to translate this into reality: You will work impossible hours and do menial tasks. Alphabetizing files at 11 p.m. is more of the trade than you need to know.
Things Not To Put In Your Resume
Reasons for leaving the last job:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
Job responsibilities:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
Special requests & job objectives:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
Physical disabilities:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
Personal interests:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
Plus watch for small typos that can change the meaning:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying
these:
You could do worse.
I'll work so hard you won't even know
I'm there.
I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so
I'll be rested when I start.
If you
call the people I listed as references, please call my parole
officer last.
I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably
won't here
I can go all day without peeing once.
If you
hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.
I won't sue you when you fire me.
My
arrest record is all a bunch of lies.
I
was a sniper in the Army.
The only reason my grades in
High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I
was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being
fair to me because they din't like me.
I'll need a company car and a driver because
I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except
Cuba and it sucks to go there.
If you hire me don't tell
the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.
The sticky stuff
on my sleeve isn't what you think.
If you hire me I will show up.
That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better
than that and I will sure try.
When do we eat?
How
long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment
again?
Don't go checking into my record, but if you do,
she swore she was
18.
If you give me a job you're OK but if you
don't you suck.
If I work
here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any
kind of underwear I want.
This will be my first job since
the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!
I
won't have to do anything, will I?
If I get sick on the
job, will I have to clean up my own puke?
Can I bring my
goat to the company daycare center?
I collect guns. You
probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?"
Five Signs
You need to get a new job
Dilbert is funny.
The office slut won’t have drunken sex with you anymore.
Paper clips are deducted from your paycheck.
You have to share a keyboard.
They won’t air-condition the sweatshop. Oh, that’s why they call it a sweatshop.
The World Kicks Your Ass?
Get a Better Job
Come on, slacker—everybody’s doing it.
Wise up.
With unemployment the lowest it’s been in 30 years, there are so many reasons to get a new job: more money, better benefits, a whole new crop of eager interns. And the best part is, as Mo Vaughn, Sandra Bullock, and Lee Iaccoca have proved, no matter how disastrously you fail at your current job, there will always be some other sucker out there willing to double your salary.
Jump ship.
“In many circumstances nowadays, quitting is the best option,” says Stephen Viscusi, author of On the Job: How to Make It in the Real World of Work. “It’s a seller’s market, and this is a great time to aggressively market yourself and hunt.” The first step is to dust off that old resumé and get creative. Check out Web sites such as www.10minuteresume.com, which provides templates that make it simple to roll out customized resumés.
Shut your stinking pie hole.
For God’s sake, don’t tell your current boss where to shove it until you’ve landed another job. By keeping your job, you’ll have a free computer, printer, fax machine, and long-distance provider at your disposal. You’ll also have more leverage and security if you have a paycheck to fall back on, not to mention soap and regular haircuts.
Get Fired
Why slave for pay if you can collect from your couch?
Step 1:
Develop an attitude problem. Start complaining about the direction the company’s headed in. Then complain about the company’s lack of direction. Then complain that there’s too much directing going on. The point is to complain about anything and everything you see. Cry a lot. If that’s not working, accuse anyone and everyone of sexual harassment.
Step 2:
Eliminate your work ethic. Come in late every day (reeking of booze is a plus). Send daily company-wide e-mails about your lunch plans. Leave early. When the boss asks for something, rustle through the trash and say you lost it. Agree to company deadlines, then regularly and dependably miss them by a week.
Step 3:
Fall apart. Nothing will make your coworkers beg the boss to fire you like atrocious personal hygiene. Stop shaving, and throw away your toothbrush. Make it a policy to belch during meetings. Always miss the toilet. Pick your nose and rub your nipples incessantly while you work. As your boss hands you your pink slip, be sure to cut a loud, long farewell trouser snort.
Get a Raise
Overworked and underpaid? To get your due, you’ll need skill…or these tricks.
Unfortunately the spineless brown-nosing that got you your job in the first place won’t get you a raise or promotion. It’s time to trade in that shovel for some No-Doz and kneepads.
Think before you speak.
“You should start preparing for your raise and promotion at least six months before your review,” suggests Joan Goldsmith, author of Resolving Conflicts at Work: A Complete Guide for Everyone on the Job. Bosses have short memories, so become a model employee, if only for a few months. Make sure you get your fingers in enough pies that you gradually become indispensable. Now you’re not just asking for a raise; you’re entering into negotiations.
Don’t look for a handout.
You’re never going to get a raise just because you think you deserve it. Go in spelling out new responsibilities that you’re willing to take on. Take the time to develop new ideas and ways to improve the company—particularly in the department or position you desire. Now you’re offering your boss something in return. All he has to do is pay through the nose for it.
Work on your figure.
The worst you can do is sell yourself short. Be sure you fully understand your value by checking job sites like www.monster.com or www.hotjobs.com. Talk to other people in your industry to get a feel for the going rate. And when the topic of money comes up, don’t be shy. Have a precise dollar amount in mind, and aim 10 percent above it.
Set the table.
Don’t back your boss into a corner by demanding to talk about money—he’ll get defensive and decide against it before your ass hits the chair. Instead, ask for a convenient time when you might get some career advice—and while you’re at it, you’d love to talk about your responsibilities with the company, your goals, and your compensation package. Now all you have to do is play up your positive attributes and you’re home free.
Be Funnier Today: Surefire jokes
For the boss:
Q: How many union workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
For your coworkers around the water cooler:
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Swedish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but back in Dublin, at MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”
The Italian says, “You think that’s great? In Brooklyn, at Vinny’s, you buy a drink, then Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”
So the Swedish guy says, “Ja, das a nice bar, but I know a better one. You go up to Sven’s in Minnesota. At Sven’s they buy your first drink, they buy your second drink, they buy your third drink, and then they take you in the back and get you laid!”
“Wow!” says the Italian. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
“No,” replies the Swede, “but it happened to my sister!”
