It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
There's something really amazing about being with someone for a long time and really knowing each other. They end up becoming your closest friend. The most influential women are a girlfriend and a mom. You really get your sense of women to begin with from your mom. You know not to forget her birthday and that her favorite flowers are purple tulips. But you need the complete list. If a typical date consists of you playing Halo 2 in your underwear and socks before angrily refusing even to consider engaging in a bit of foreplay, you should read this, Romeo.
Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.
The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
“If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
“I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
“Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
“Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
Words From Famous Women ...
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly
Parton
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've
done my job. - Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. - Rita Rudner
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told
me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my
mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman
I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still
and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda
Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.- Maryon
Pearson
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get
appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman
schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria
Steinem
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and
then. - Katharine Hepburn
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a
dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie
Corelli
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a
little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep
his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Distressing Damsels
Melissa Rivers
Problem: Spawn of Joan hampered by mommy complex.
Fix: A new maternal role model that keeps Mom’s best traits—adorable smoker’s hack, alcohol tolerance—but adds a touch of class.
Katie Couric
Problem: Has ridden fake perkiness to fake journalism fame.
Fix: Real reporting in a location where childlike giggling wouldn’t save her ass: Katie Couric: One Week Undercover
in Compton.
Condoleezza Rice
Problem: The secretary of state is actually the nefarious leader of a galactic reptilian order sent
to rule the Earth.
Fix: A transfusion of clean human blood. Or a new set of friends.
Paula Abdul
Problem: Gushing Idol host has communication skills of Koko the Gorilla…before the beast learned sign language.
Fix: Hooked on Phonics is a really, really, really great, uh, thing. Really.
Tom Cruise
Problem: Giddy couch-jumper losing cool faster than Maverick’s F-14.
Fix: Shoot down a MiG, hijack a cab, then build a time machine and go back to pork 20-years-ago Rebecca De Mornay.
When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
“When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
The best-looking women often posess the least self-confidence.
A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
About 40 percent of women still call their father Daddy.
The only way girls who don't know each other can start a conversation and signal that they're nonthreatening is to complimebt one another's clothes, shoes, jewelry, or hair. To become BFF, a common enemy is needed.
If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
“At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
“Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
“Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
She likes one of your friends.
For the cop who pulled you over:
A man is driving home from a bar one night when a cop pulls him over. “Been drinking a little tonight, sir?” the cop asks.
“How could you tell?” the man responds. “Was I weaving all over the road?”
“No,” replies the policeman. “You were driving just fine. It was the ugly chick in the passenger seat that gave it away.”
Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”
Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.
100 Things You Need to Know About Women. . November 2005.
