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Smoke Signals If a beautiful girl does any of the following, you might start thinking she wants you. You might be wrong. She backs her ass up into you while dancing. All this means is that she’s had about eight Red Bull and vodkas and the DJ just put on some Lil Jon. What! Ye-ah! She invites you to brunch. A rule of thumb: Eggs and coffee never lead to the bedroom. Brunch after sex, yes; brunch before sex, never. She calls you hysterically crying. You think by getting intimate with her feelings, she’s showing she wants to be intimate in other ways. Reality: She’d never let on to a guy she wants to sleep with that she’s teetering on the edge of sanity. She compliments you on your sweet new shoes or shades. She’s not noticing you, she’s noticing new pretty, shiny, fashiony things.  She asks you for sex advice. She’s just trying to find out what that other guy she’s going to blow enjoys.   She bums a smoke. You’re psyched about a few precious minutes alone; she’s suffering your company to feed her soul-crushing addiction. She meets you for drinks wearing sneakers and a ratty old tee. This is not an attempt to show you her cute sporty look. She honestly doesn’t give a shit whether you find her attractive. She flirts with you—sometimes. If she goes hot and cold, don’t kid yourself: She’s not playing hard to get; she’s just keeping you hanging on in case she can’t get anyone she likes better. She invites you to a boring event, like a play. Could Mamma Mia! be so excruciating that no one else would go with her? Bingo. She seductively eats a banana or ice cream cone in front of you. Sorry, guy, but there’s just no other way to eat these things.

Think an average guy like you doesn’t have a chance with the hottest girl in the room? Think again. Hillary Quinn shows you how to land a bigger trophy than you deserve. When Victoria’s Secret supermodel Stephanie Seymour wed shorter, older, fatter rich dude/garden gnome Peter Brant, I figured it must be the money. Or a generous, um, endowment. But a decade later the couple are still going strong. What possesses some of the world’s most beautiful women to break the interspecies barrier and give unworthy schmoes like you a chance? The trick is to show your value and potential early on—before your poverty or clock-shattering looks get in the way.

The biggest mistake average Joes make is assuming that hot women aren’t intimidated by hot guys. And even when they do hook up within their genetic class, they don’t always like what they find. “I’ve dated plenty of guys who have great bodies and are very good-looking,” says Jill, a 5'11" Elle Macpherson look-alike from Seattle. “But as I get to know them, they always end up driving me nuts. The eyebrows have to be perfect, they’re watching what they eat…I swear these guys look in the mirror more than I do.”

Nothing establishes “trust me” cred like a sense of humor, so don’t be shy about reeling her in with oddball jokes. “In my senior year of college, I took a course entitled Human Mate Selection,” recalls Jeff, 35, an ordinary-looking L.A.-based entertainment lawyer with an extraordinary-looking wife. “Humor was the number one trait that women valued in looking for a mate,” he explains. “When someone makes you laugh, you develop an affinity for them.” Jeff’s wife, who claims she regularly nurses a side ache—the kind you get from living with a really witty guy—concurs.

So instead of wallowing in the easy-excuse bath of self-doubt, take comfort in knowing that most of the time a date’s whiz-bang good looks just make her nervous. (See? You already have one thing in common with her.) Bonus: You’re not a flight risk. “One of the reasons I date less-attractive men is the trust issue. Good-looking guys are always being hit on, so I never feel secure in the relationship,” admits Katie, 29, a former model in New York City (think Jennifer Love Hewitt, but taller and sexier). “And I get the best guys out there, because I look at the real person.” Exotic dancer Misti, 27, agrees: “It’s absolutely about loyalty. Good-looking guys have opportunities to run off. Average guys are forever.”

Now that you actually believe you have something to offer a hottie, your next obstacle is getting her past that first impression. Make sure you leave yourself plenty of time to seal the deal. Beautiful girls are so used to being hit on by gimps that dissing you is an instinct; if you haul ass at the first hint of rejection, you’re telling her she was right.

Persistence, on the other hand, makes a girl feel like a princess. “You can’t quit the first time she blows you off or doesn’t acknowledge you,” says Frank, 48, an Ohio-based entrepreneur who landed a date with his bombshell fiancée after six long months of repeated wooing. “In my case, Misti was dating another guy at the time, so I just started frequenting the club where she danced,” he recalls. “Everyone was telling me to cut my losses because she was young, gorgeous, and clearly ‘above’ me. But I knew that once she learned who I was, she would forget all about my outside.” Frank’s stick-to-it-iveness paid off because, Misti says, “He listened to everything I had to say, and he was generous and kind to everyone around him. But I would never have said yes if he hadn’t stuck around and shown me who he really was.”

When you approach your golden girl, ask her questions and get her talking about herself—that kind of intimacy can easily lead to the other kind. Brad, 27, one of the ousted suitors on NBC’s Average Joe, realized that talking—rather than listening—might have been his downfall when former beauty queen Melana dumped him on Episode Three. “I was so focused on the fact that ‘I’m not picking her, she’s picking me’ that I forgot to get her talking,” explains the since-wizened bachelor. “There can’t be a connection if only one person is revealing things about himself.” Avoid the conversational habit of finding pegs to hang anecdotes on; if she says she likes to ski, don’t rhapsodize about your last trip, but instead turn the conversation to her: “Where do you like to ski?” “What’s the craziest run you ever skied?” (Skip “Wanna see my pole?”)

We’re not suggesting you stalk her; just befriend her first so she never has to explain the physical attraction to her skeptical friends. Start by hanging out, inviting her to parties, going for a Sunday drive. Ask her opinion of other women you’re considering dating—a little jealousy never hurts. Hold off asking for a real date until you’re pretty sure she knows and likes you. And eventually, if she asks you why you don’t ask her out (two points!), don’t say, “I didn’t think you’d be interested.” (Exhibiting self-doubt around one of these hot women who are used to being pursued by the cream of the crop means you lose those points!) Instead, gaze into her eyes and say, “Good question. Let’s go!”

When you see her on the barstool…in the commuter train…at the free weights station…and “total babe!” flashes through your testosterone-jacked mind, whatever you do: Don’t. Tell. Her. No matter how natural it might feel to pepper your potential future arm candy with compliments, refrain from any comment directed toward her appearance, unless you want to hear the door slam.

Remember that she hears flattery all the time. As Mr. Average, your goal should be to differentiate yourself, not join the drool parade. “I always assume guys are asking me out because I’m pretty, and so I’m suspicious from the get-go,” explains Katie. “It only gets worse if I tell them I’m a model—because every guy’s secret fantasy is to date a model, and they start to objectify you right away.”

So act like you don’t notice her looks: no references to how much she must get hit on, no pointing out how she’s the spitting image of Jennifer Garner (especially if she is Jennifer Garner), no asking if you can “just look at her for a while.” To keep perspective on how to talk to her, approach these hot women as if you’re looking to be a big-brother figure, not an instant lay. Talk travel, books, work, haberdashery…but whatever you do, seem unfazed by this magnificent creature’s magazine-pinup beauty. It’s the last thing she wants to hear.

Frank—the guy who snagged an exotic dancer—claims there’s another way to find out if a gorgeous woman will be attracted to an ordinary-looking man (especially if you’re a little older). “I always ask her if she’s a daddy’s girl or a mama’s girl. If she’s a daddy’s girl, she’ll look at you and see her father… and that will tell you everything you need to know about your scorability.” A woman who’s comfortable being coddled is going to see that, not your looks. That’s good news for you.

Even if you don’t want to wander into Freudian territory, the message is the same: You can (hopefully) offer her the stability, security, and undying admiration of a trusting, loving family member. Katie explains she was perfectly willing to overlook her boyfriend’s lack of looks because, “He was really well-traveled, intelligent, sophisticated… and a bit of a father, really.”

Is that a bad thing? Nope. At the end of the day, the kind of gorgeous women you see in shampoo ads will never use you for your looks. But if you offer them enough testosterone-fueled patience, support, and regular-guy enthusiasm, they’ll still fall for you—hard. Thank God one of you isn’t shallow!

Hillary Quinn. Out of Your League…and in the Bag. . May 2004.

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