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Assholes Are Everywhere

Food has replaced sex in my life

Assholes are everywhere. There are assholes in your family, in your fantasy football league, and living in the apartment above you (and not just because you keep yelling, "Stop jumping around, asshole!" every night before bed). Assholes have the system beat. Good for them. They've mastered the art of doing little work, having fun, and getting laid even though the general consensus is that they are total jerks.

The informed asshole has a copy of the Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm and every major news and pop culture website headline sent to his phone, this asshole knows something about everything. He listens to talk radio, sports radio, pirate radio and can discuss any topic. His agenda is to be on top of all news and stay one step ahead of everyone. Think about how dumb you feel when discussing what you think is "breaking news" only to have him retort "that happened about three hours ago." The ability to talk intelligently on any topic and often steer the conversation in whatever direction he chooses mostly because he knows more than anyone else. Where do people claim to hear about most news? From some asshole. The ability to know a little something about everything and to be the main source of information. This keeps your name on everyone's mind.

The neighborhood asshole is outside walking the dog, pruning the hedges or just watching every move her neighbors make. Come home at night and she's still outside. She has a job. It's watchdog. She wants to know everyone's business. This is her turf. She has been here long before you started squatting in this hood. Everyone likes her (or pretends to just to be on her good side). Therefore no one would dare talk crap behind her back - let alone say something to her face. Get out there. Be seen. As an asshole, you want to build a rapport with everyone you encounter on a daily basis; especially with the people that surround your habitat. It wouldn't kill you to clean up your yard a little bit either.

Hemorrhoids of humanity

Whatever you call them, there are individuals from all corners of the Earth who make it a shittier year than it needed to be. From politicians to musicians to the overeager elderly, let's hope these hemorrhoids of humanity are wiped from our lives.

Leave it to Patricia Krentcil (the Tan Mom) to get kicked out of her own "roast" at an N.Y.C. drag show for falling over, slurring, and appearing to be shitfaced. (Although with that tan, she kind of always looks like she has shit on her face.) You'd think that after charges of allegedly putting her five-year-old daughter in a tanning bed earlier this year, she'd lie low. Not the case. The 44-year-old walking melanoma mole joked that she'd "totally do Playboy if they asked." Note to Playboy: Please don't ask.

Francesco Schettino, the captain of the Costa Concordia, an Italian cruise ship, allegedly tried to show off to one of his pretty passengers by bringing the boat super close to the shore of an Italian island. It charmed her panties right off but also caused the ship to hit a reef and start sinking. Captain Schettino (is that "shit for brains" in Italian?) hopped on the nearest lifeboat and row, row, rowed for safety instead of helping the evacuation.

Hang-gliding with rare Siberian cranes, deep-sea treasure hunting, fighting a lion - the Russian president, Vladimir Putin topped off his pile of manly feats by pubicly decrying and secretly backing a two-year prison sentence for members of the girl punk group Pussy Riot. Their crime? Staging a "musical" demonstration at Moscow's Cathedral of Christ the Saviour asking the Virgin Mary to remove Putin from power. Two years for singing? What is this, Russia?! Oh, that's right, it is.

People of all religions, let's join hands in silent prayer that this evil fuck, Jerry Sandusky, lasts as long as a turd in a prison toilet. Flush!

How do you follow a crazy bar brawl that leads to a $16 million lawsuit? If you're Chris Brown, you have a pre-VMA party shut down by the LAPD, get a tattoo resembling your ex's battered face on your neck, and probably do lots of other dumb shit.

First this eightysomething Spanish church lady, Cecilia Giménez, ruined a century-old fresco of Jesus trying to restore it. Now she's reportedly demanding royalties because it's become a tourist attraction. Talk about cojones!

Has your lady been spending more time with her Kindle than with you? Blame this other lady! The author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, E. L. James (real name: Erika Leonard) took the Twilight series and, through fan fiction, somehow created something even worse.

At the funeral for his estranged wife - who had hanged herself - Robert F. Kennedy Jr. comforted mourners by making it clear that it wasn't his fault: "I know I did everything I could to help her." You stay ass-y, Robby!

After last year's NFL lockout, we didn't think the commish, Roger Goodell, could chap our asses any more. But that was before he let replacement refs run wild. Who'd have guessed there's a bigger NFL asshole than Jerry Jones?

When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not denying a nuke program or the Holocaust, this fuzzy fuck uses his time at the UN to state that the West is "destroying clouds" moving toward Iran in order to create droughts. We don't use technology to destroy clouds - we use it to make clouds look like puppies, silly!

Pity the child! When your mom, Snooki, pees and craps herself in public more than you, there's a .000001 percent chance you won't grow up to be a great, big, orange-skinned douche. Or the second coming of Lucifer. Blame papa Jionni La Valle when the new Prince of Darkness becomes our juiced-up overlord.

We thought he did the impossible, and he did. After winning the Tour de France seven times, surviving cancer, and making bike racing watchable, Lance Armstrong proved to be one of the worst cheaters in sports history, having doped himself (and his teammates) for years. The worst part? He still denies it. The ball on this guy!

Breaking Bad and Walking Dead are the best shows on TV, each chock-full of crazy characters, insane situations, and wild plot twists. And anytime you want to talk about them, without fail some dipshit pipes up not to "spoil" it, because he has 15 episodes on DVR.

The producers of the shitty-ass movie Innocence of Muslims are assholes, and anyone who killed somebody because of this shitty-ass movie is also an asshole.

Never heard of Michael Leon Ward? Well, back in January he was arrested in North Carolina for impaired driving. Once he was in jail, Johnny Law discovered that he'd smuggled a 10-inch .38 revolver into his jail cell. Where do they think he hid it, you ask? In his rectum, of course! Now, if that's not a big asshole, we don't know what is.

The volunteer asshole carries sign-up sheets, petitions, pledge papers, pamphlets - he carries them all neat and organized in a clip-board as he works an angle with everyone he knows to get them signed up, donating, and volunteering. Assholes must be selfish. However, they need to balance out the selfishness by being selfless at times. So while his volunteering may be a little self-serving, the Volunteer Asshole is also truly giving back. His volunteering usually involves making others give back. You can learn to never take no for an answer. Ever. One "no" should just lead to another way of trying to get a person to say "yes". If you want something bad enough, ignore the no answers because it makes the yes all the more satisfying.

The hipster asshole generally listens to indie rock (until it gets picked up by mainstreams), hangs out in coffee shops, shops at the stores where your dad donated all his old duds and enjoys discussing books you've never read, films that will never make a dime and art you could care less about. Looks like he needs a hot bath and sandwich at all times. Incredibly aware at how to appear unaware. Skating through life accomplishing very little but spending a hell of a lot of time lauding people who have accomplished something (typically bands, writers and artists.) Pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth makes him an asshole. Give the hipster credit though; he is usually one step ahead when it comes to the next big thing. Try and stay ahead of the game in fashion, music and all the finer arts. It wouldn't kill you to read a few new magazines or websites to stay up on trends.

The gym asshole is all talky and not much lifty, this asshole spends most of his workout chatting up available and unavailable women, giving workout tips to uninterested guys and exercising his lips more than his lats. Fitness is second. First comes networking, bragging, flirting and acting as the goodwill ambassador to the cardio room. He likes to be anyplace where everyone knows his name. Aside from the fact he is usually taking way too much time on the equipment you want to use, he finds a way to get connected to everyone who has a membership makes him an asshole. The power of networking. The gym is a fantastic place to meet influential and powerful people from different walks of life. Chat up the guy next to you in spin class or the woman stretching beside you on the gym floor. Just know when to end the conversation.

Probably the biggest collection of asshole per square cubicle, the office asshole comes in all shapes, sizes and ranking. The asshole boss, his asshole assistant and the dude on the sales staff who would throw in his own child to seal a deal. His agenda is money and power just like the rest of us. Success is another obvious motivator but being the big fish in the little swimming pool called the office is an added bonus. If he isn't already in charge, that is his eventual goal. The asshole is always a part of every important project at work. This doesn't happen by accident; it takes some maneuvering and manipulating. His head is never on the chopping block and it seems like he is always in the bosses' good graces. Always remember someone else would be willing to screw you to get what they want at work. If you don't step on some people, you're likely to get stepped on by someone else. It's nothing personal, just business.

The social media asshole uses the explosion of community interaction on the web. The internet allowed for the rise and dominance of the social media expert. What is a social media expert? No clue. Early studies conclude it's just some schmuck with nothing better to do but jump on board of every social networking tool available and pass himself off as an authority on the topic. Only a true asshole can make something out of nothing. These gurus have built themselves up into brands just by giving their opinion. For some reason people value those opinions. People listen to a complete stranger's advice and opinion more than their own family and friends. Scary. It's all about you. Your life, your job and your happiness are the most important thing in every situation. If something isn't working to your advantage, flip the script and make it work for you. Always give an opinion. Take a stand. Show some balls.

Not foolish enough to run for office yourself—hell, those saps can’t even ride an intern without the walls coming down! You may elect our nation's next great leader. Or you could elect another major asshole. D.C.’s a lot like Hollywood, only with more sex and less accountability. Trust me, it’s better to own politicians than to be one.

There are sex scandals. There are underage sex scandals. And there's the crap that the former mayor of Waterbury, Connecticut pulled. Mayor Philip Giordano was sentenced to 37 years in prison for having sex with 9-year-old and 11-year-old girls.

All the Kennedys weren't elected, but the whole family is pretty much a bunch of assholes. From fatal car accidents and murder to drug possession and skiing like an ass, those drunken bastards from Massachusetts make South Carolina look like a virtuous state.

After getting caught on tape doing crack with his girlfriend by the FBI, Mayor Marion Barry went to prison for six months on drug charges and then got reelected mayor of Washington, D.C. Voters must have believed his defense: "Bitch set me up."

The longtime mayor of Providence, Rhode Island, Mayor Vincent Cianci resigned in 1984 after pleading no contest to assaulting a man with a lit cigarette, an ashtray and a fireplace log. Proving that Rhode Island is the South Carolina of the North, he was reelected in 1991 and served 11 more years before going down on federal corruption charges.

Proud South Carolinian (surprise, surprise) Strom Thurmond ran for president and carried four states before being elected to the Senate for the next 130 years. Robert Byrd got his political career started as a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but is shockingly not from South Carolina. West Virginia continually reelects the hooded statesman. The governor of New Jersey made his unqualified gay lover the head of homeland security and then had to resign as governor when his lover threatened to sue the state for sexual harassment. Gov. Jim McGreevey announced, "I am a gay American" in his resignation press conference. In reality, he's just an ass.

Slightly peeved by some comments made by a senator, Rep. Preston Brooks, a South Carolina congressman, entered the Senate floor and nearly beat Charles Sumner to death with a cane on May 22, 1856. Brooks resigned but was immediately reelected, proving once again that the entire state of South Carolina is bat-crap crazy.

Accused of having sexually charged conversations with underage senate pages, the disgraced former Florida congressman, Rep. Mark Foley has blamed his homosexuality and molestation by a Catholic priest for his conduct. If those don't work, he'll blame tainted spinach, Terrell Owens, and El Nino. Facing trial for killing Alexander Hamilton in a duel, the former Vice President Aaron Burr fled to the haven of crazy politicians—South Carolina. Later he faced treason charges for trying to create his own country southwest of the original 13 states. Murder and treason? Dick Cheney's got nothing on Burr.

Maxim Staff. The 16 Biggest Assholes of 2012. Maxim [Print + Kindle] . December 2012.
Chris Illuminati. What You Can Learn From 7 Types of Assholes. Maxim [Print + Kindle] . February 2010.
The Biggest Douchebags Ever Elected. Maxim [Print + Kindle] .

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