Follow Maxim’s advice and you’ll be back to your nap in no time.
An estimated 50 percent of potential jurors want out, for the usual selfish reasons. There is good news: "If there's a reasonable statement expressing hardship or conflict, 99 percent of the time you'll be excused," says Dr. Robert Gordon, head of the Wilmington Institute of Trial and Settlement Sciences, a pioneering jury-consulting outfit in Dallas.
But you've got to play it right, and that means figuring out who you're going up against. In civil cases, jury selection is often conducted by attorneys with no judge present, and the rules are looser. In criminal cases, a hard-ass judge does the pickin'. Here's a rundown of some excuses that have bombed, and some that work.
Bad Excuses:
Personal hassles: Don't try to sway the judge by telling him you have nonrefundable ski tickets, he won't excuse you.
Being too important to miss work: Doctors, lawyers, and teachers no longer get automatic exemptions, so save your breath, Mr. Big. (Interestingly, 'I'm an incarcerated felon' still works.)
Being a disturbing anarchist: Sporting a green mohawk and a 'Fuck the World' T-shirt is the worst strategy, you'll piss off the judge.
Treating the judge like Shemp: "If the judge concludes you're bullshitting," warns Gordon, "he will punish you." When bookbinder Dennison Lee claimed his beliefs made it impossible for him to judge people, he was sentenced to two weeks of duty.
Good Excuses:
Medical conditions: Ailments from crabs to cancer will work, but you'll need proof. (No, not dropping your pants, a note from a doc.)
Loss of income: If you're unemployed and have rent to pay and a child to support, you stand a good chance of walking.
Being a crime victim: Ditch the machismo and describe being mugged as a shattering experience. If your brother's a cop, tell the judge you're obviously biased.
Bad experiences related to the case: "Saying 'I don't like big corporations' isn't going to work," says Gordon. Try a real reason, like: I've worked for three huge corporations, and I've been fired from each one.
Genuine mental instability: Take a three-day vacation from sleep, shaving, and deodorant; keep slapping imaginary bugs off your head; and tote a copy of Maxim around, you'll be home free.
How to Beat Jury Duty. . June 1998.
If you get caught sleeping on the job, here's some quick
excuses!
It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time-management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!"
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
I'm in the management training program
Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"
(SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss
made you attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt
about work!
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?"
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broke....
Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!
Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without
hands.
The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.
I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.
Five Signs
You're late for work
Wait a second…dinner comes after work.
It's HOLY CRAP O'CLOCK!
There's steam hissing out of your bosses ears. And he's three dimensional!
What time is it when the blinding celestial ball of fire is rising above the horizon?
Just sleep it off in the gutter—you'll be fine in no time.
Five Maxims Of Making Excuses
The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
Whine convincingly.
Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.
And now, some excuses:
I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
He started it.
I have jet lag.
I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
The Devil made me do it.
Drugs made me do it.
Everybody else does it.
That's not my department.
Our computer's down.
We must have misplaced your original request.
It's on someone elses desk.
Don't ask me - I just work here.
Excuses to give when you have missed work
The car ran out of gas.
I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
I missed the bus.
The alarm didn't go off.
I couldn't find a parking space.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
Bogus Work Excuses On The Rise
America is a nation of workaholics, it is considered a virtue to neglect spouse and children to spend extra time at the office. Europeans have longer vacations and shorter work weeks. The average paid vacation in Europe is now six weeks a year.
By contrast, Americans, on average, receive only two weeks. When hard-working Americans go on vacation, they often take their work with them, toting cell phones, Blackberries and laptops so they can keep "in touch with the office." I'm not a great believer in the "Protestant work ethic" -- the results of a recent survey brought joy to my slacker heart.
This year, 43 percent of American workers called in sick when there was nothing wrong with them, up from 35 percent that did so last year, a survey of 2,450 employees from CareerBuilder.com showed. Some of the more imaginative excuses ranged from "I was too drunk to drive to work" to "I forgot I was getting married today."
I am in rebellion against the "workaholic mentality" that permeates our society. There is more to life than bumbling your way through a maze of cubicles to a corner office. Calling in sick, when you are not sick, is an inalienable right, like life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
One time I called in sick, falsely claiming I had a stomach ache, so I could attend a baseball game. The next day when I returned to work with a nice tan, I had to explain it away as a side effect from taking too much Pepto Bismol. I urge my fellow Americans, to call in sick, and go to a ball game, museum, or take a hike in the woods. Your cubicle, computer and career will still be there, when you get back -- just don't get too cute with your excuse.
Robert Paul Reyes. Bogus Work Excuses On The Rise. American Chronicle. October 5, 2005.
