Home : Funny Business :Dream Jobs In The USA
What is actually considered a crime now? The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and he laughs, dances and plays away the summer. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ants should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission drafts the `Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,' retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ants are fined for failing to have an affirmative-action program for green bugs and, having nothing left with which to pay retroactive taxes, the ant city is confiscated by the government. Intent on cutting costs, businesses outsource a lot of functions — employee compensation and benefits, accounting, customer complaints — to those countries in which they can achieve the same results with much lower cost. Those are the facts, and they have nothing to do with greed, and everything to do with discovering how to serve the customer cheaper and better. In 2004, the cost of regulation is approaching $1 trillion. To understand this gigantic cost of regulations, we need only to take a look at the Federal Registry, a book which lists all the federal laws and regulations. In 1950, it consisted of 9,500 pages; in 1970 it grew to 20,000 pages; in 1990 it went up to 50,000; and finally, in 2003 it contained a stunning 75,000 pages. Regulations incur several different types of costs: the cost of creating the regulations (a political process in the case of laws, and an administrative process in the case of regulations), the cost of publishing the books that contain them (hundreds of thousands of copies so that we all may be able to access it, since ignoratio iuris non nocet [in English, "the ignorance of the law is no excuse"]), and finally, in enforcing the laws and regulations (thousands of government agencies employ hundreds of thousands of people whose jobs consist of seeing to it that we live by those regulations). And let’s not forget the costs incurred by firms in complying with regulations: hiring lawyers that can read and make sense of the regulations and explaining them to those in charge, the labor costs of filling out thousands of forms and ensuring that forms are filed in proper ways with appropriate agencies, etc. And, of course, in addition to the federal regulations, businesses are also subject to state and municipal regulations, which add significantly to the total cost of regulations. American workers must realize that government interventions cannot help. In a globalized economy, the government’s "help" will only produce a ticking time-bomb. The American politicians and workers can continue to blame "free trade" and "greed" and whatever else they wish for their predicament, but the real culprit for the loss of jobs in America is still the government, its short-term-oriented economic policies, and its complete lack of economic understanding, has not led to dream jobs in the USA. Job openingsDocument Retention Specialist -- Emergency HireDuties: Identify legally and financially problematic documents and eliminate such documents from Flatulent Technologies' files as quickly, efficiently, and surreptitiously as possible. Salary / Wages: Minimum $62,500 per year, salary negotiable Qualifications: The successful applicant will be an energetic, detailed-oriented self-starter who can work accurately under tight deadlines and juggle multiple tasks simultaneously. Most importantly, candidate must be a team player, and he must be of a trustworthy race. A background in law or accounting is highly desirable. Executive Restroom Attendant Duties: Provide corporate executives with towels, clean and maintain toilet facilities. Salary / Wages: Minimum wage allowed by state and federal law, plus generous tips (generally regarded as tax-exempt, except by IRS). Qualifications: To meet the corporation's equal employment opportunity targets, preference will be given to minority applicants. Applicant who wins this privileged position and displays an appropriately servile demeanor will find this work most satisfying and rewarding. Executive Doorman at World Headquarters Duties: Opens doors and greets executive staff at corporate headquarters; polishes brass door knobs and hardware. Salary / Wages: Minimum wage allowed by state and federal law, plus generous tips (generally regarded as tax-exempt, except by IRS). Qualifications: To meet the corporation's equal employment opportunity targets, preference will be given to minority applicants. Applicant who wins this privileged position and displays an appropriately servile demeanor will find this work most satisfying and rewarding. Limousine Driver Duties: Drives limousine of chief executive while at corporate headquarters in Houston. Salary / Wages: Minimum wage allowed by state and federal law, plus generous tips (generally regarded as tax-exempt, except by IRS). Qualifications: To meet the corporation's equal employment opportunity targets, preference will be given to minority applicants. Applicant who wins this privileged position and displays an appropriately servile demeanor will find this work most satisfying and rewarding. Executive Chef / Nutritionist Duties: Cooks and prepares the very finest and most creative bean and legume dishes to executive staff and distinguished visitors at FT's Houston World Headquarters. . Salary / Wages: Minimum $55,000 per year, salary negotiable. Qualifications: Graduation from accredited culinary institution with specialization in preparation of bean and legume dishes highly desirable. Corporation Counsel, Business and Contract Law Specialist Duties: Reviews and certifies legal documents related to business transactions and contracts at FT's Houston World Headquarters. . Salary / Wages: Minimum $354,000 per year, salary negotiable. Generous stock options awarded. Qualifications: Graduation from accredited law school, licensed to practice law in Texas; outstanding skills in prevarication highly desirable. Candidate must be a team player, and he must be of a trustworthy race. Senior Accountant, Tax Shelter Specialist Duties: Advises on most appropriate tax shelters which exploit dual accounting standards; engages in multiple structured transactions. Salary / Wages: Minimum $172,500 per year, salary negotiable. Generous stock options awarded. Qualifications: Graduation from accredited university with Master's degree in Business Administration and a Certified Public Accountant license required. Must be able to concoct complex financial maneuvers and manipulate figures so as to successfully confuse and obstruct investigations by the IRS, as well as reach ambitious annual corporate profitability goals. Candidate must be a team player, and he must be of a trustworthy race. Product Development Engineer Duties: Brainstorm, collaborate, and synergize with scientific research staff to devise sensational, new products anticipating everyone's fondest wishes and desires. Salary / Wages: Minimum $64,900 per year, salary negotiable. Generous stock options awarded. Qualifications: Derided for being an unorthodox thinker -- a "nerd," a "crackpot," or a "charlatan?" Are you young, energetic, and excited about working 80-hour weeks for the sheer joy and rush of achievement and the future prospect of exacting revenge on your enemies and detractors? Flatulent Technologies is the place for you! Graduation from an accredited university with a degree in engineering or scientific fields is required. Creative, "outside the box" conceptualization abilities are essential. an equal opportunity employer. | ||||||||||
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