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Redneck Etiquette

The Beverly Hillbillies (1993)
One of the most popular TV shows of all time is turned into a fall-down funny movie, as the Clampett clan strikes "black gold" and moves to Southern California, tries to get Jed hitched and encounters a pair of swindlers out to steal their fortune.

The term redneck refers to a (typically male) person having a red neck caused by working outdoors in the sunlight over the course of their lifetime. It is Offensive Slang 1. Used as a disparaging term for a member of the white rural laboring class, especially in the southern United States. 2. A white person regarded as having a provincial, conservative, often bigoted attitude.

The effect of decades of direct sunlight on the exposed skin of the back of the neck not only reddens fair skin, but renders it leathery and tough, and typically very wrinkled and spotted by late middle age. Similarly, some historians claim that the term redneck originated in 17th-Century Virginia, because indentured servants were sunburnt while tending plantation crops.

In the 1990s, when Jeff Foxworthy drawled "you might be a redneck …" he wasn't just needling folks who had ever "fought over an inner tube." In one of his stand-up routines, Foxworthy summed up the condition as "a glorious absence of sophistication." Foxworthy also rejected the misconception that a rednedck has to be a Southerner, saying "A lot of people think you have to talk like this" (meaning his Georgia accent) "to be a redneck. That is not true. I've been all over this country, there's rednecks in every single state."

In recent years, the comedic stylings of Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White, Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy, and Lee Roy Mercer have become popular, with the first four forming first a "Blue Collar Comedy Tour", and now a Blue Collar TV television show and film. Some of my redneck buddies don't even know what the word "etiquette" means, but they practice it.

Etiquette, by Webster definition is "the forms, manners, and ceremonies established by convention as acceptable or required in social relations." The definition is just a stuffy way of saying "play nice". In our ever-busy world, a little good old-fashioned courtesy still goes a long way. As your mother would say, just because someone else does not exhibit good manners, should not preclude you from doing so.

It might be a redneck wedding...

In spring we feel young, alive. Thoughts just naturally seem to turn to romance and marriage. We might even receive an invitation to a wedding. Here in the South, we have wedding ceremonies too, just like everywhere else. Well, maybe not exactly like everyone else. Some of our weddings might be just a tad different, but probably not enough you would even notice the difference unless you are watching.
  1. If the groom is wearing a (clean) bowling shirt.
  2. If the bride wears a crop top so her tattoo will show.
  3. If the bride's hair is bigger than her veil.
  4. If the bride carries a bouquet of artificial flowers.
  5. If the bridesmaids have fringe on their skirts and vests.
  6. If the wedding is delayed because the groom's truck wouldn't start.
  7. If the bride's father brings a shotgun to the wedding.
  8. If the wedding march is played on dueling banjos.
  9. If the friends of the groom TP the church.
  10. If the decorations include any pink flamingo.
  11. If the best man is wearing a baseball cap.
  12. If the preacher has sideburns and wide lapels.
  13. If they throw corn at the couple instead of rice.
  14. If the musical selections include Loretta Lynn or George Jones.
  15. If the photographer is using a disposable camera from Wal-Mart.
  16. If the groom's men have western boots and sequins on their shirts.
  17. If the reception is held at The Waffle House.
  18. If the hor dourves include pork skins and bean dip.
  19. If guests play pinball machines or shoot pool at the reception.
  20. If there is a jug in the backroom.
  21. If the wedding gifts include hubcaps, ammunition, or IOUs.
  22. If the wedding buffet includes pork barbecue and toothpicks.
  23. If the getaway car is a pickup truck with Pabst beer cans tied behind it.
  24. If the wedding announcement is in the free advertiser newspaper.
  25. If the couple plans to honeymoon in Branson, Mo..
  26. If the newlyweds will reside in a mobile home.
  27. If the groom gives chewing tobacco for wedding favors.
  28. If the bride does too.
  29. If the in-laws start brawlin before the reception even begins.
  30. If the mother of the bride is dressed like she's getting ready to change the oil in her car ... and besides that she only has 5 teeth left.
  31. If the videographer's check bounced.
  32. If the best man has a tattooo on his face.
  33. If instead of asking friend of the bride or groom?. Ushers ask Ford or Chevy?
  34. If Ya replace I DO with I heard that!!
  35. If your wedding song is 99 bottles of beer.
  36. If you called Motel 6 to reserve the honeymoon suite.
  37. If you cut your wedding cake with a chain-saw.
  38. If you proposed at DENNY'S.
  39. If the rehearsal dinner is at Hooters.
  40. If honeymoon plans include hitchhiking.

Wedding Etiquette

  1. No tube tops.
  2. Your coon dog should not be your best man.
  3. Remove all toothpicks before taking pictures.
  4. No posing for wedding pictures with a beer in your hand.
  5. Table arrangements should be designed by someone other than your taxidermist.
  6. Do not bring your coon huntin dog with you on the honeymoon.
  7. No homemade tuxes.
  8. Do not bring your dog ... no matter how well behaved he is.
  9. Honeymoon plans should not include a hunting camp.
  10. No NASCAR emblems.
  11. No tube socks for the bridesmaids.
  12. Yer boots should not cost mor n yer wedding ring.
  13. Be sure to register your pattern with TUPPERWARE.
  14. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  15. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  16. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  17. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
  18. Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  19. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  20. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
  21. For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays since that's square dancing night.
  22. When going through the receiving line, it's proper to say something nice to the bride such as, "Your baby is real cute."
  23. If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer, "The American Kennel Club."
  24. How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of her kids.
  25. Army boots are not proper footwear. And hip waders are not considered dress pants.

Redneck First Aid

Two rednecks were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast.

The first redneck said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I reckon," said the second. The first redneck got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she gasped and coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first redneck turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."

The girl next door

She's the girl next door...who's also your cousin. And she's lookin' pretty cute.
Catherine Bach/Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke
Dukes of Hazzard
Daisy Duke, the ultimate backwoods babe, wasn't kissin' cousins with the other Dukes, but we're sure they thought about it. Played by Catherine Bach in the TV series and Jessica Simpson in the much-later remake, both Dukes' iconic hot pants made Daisy's uh, hills the hottest in all the land.
Jaime Pressly as Joy Turner
My Name is Earl
Between the kid named after a car (Dodge) and a tramp stamp of Smurfette riding a skateboard with Dodge's birthday on it, good ol' Joy knows how to celebrate the hillbilly in her. And we loved watching every second of it...even that episode when she contracted a disease from a hot tub.
Donna Douglas/Erika Eleniak as Elly May Clampett
Beverly Hillbillies
From regular hillbilly to Beverly Hillbilly, this gal proved that you can take the girl out of the backwoods, but you can't take the backwoods out of the girl. And that's the way we like it. In a feature adaptation of the classic TV show, when nice guy redneck Jed Clampett strikes it rich when he finds black oil, and moves he and his kin to posh Beverly Hills, Erika Eleniak played Elly May.
Lindsay Pulsipher as Crystal the Werepanther
True Blood
As a werepanther who lives in the hills and sticks to inbreeding to keep the kitty-cat line going, Crystal proved that supernatural creatures can be hillbillies too. But her passionate-turned-totally-deranged love affair with Jason Stackhouse, a guy from outside her family(!), also made her a seriously hot HILF.
Jennifer Lawrence as Ree
Winter's Bone
Jennifer Lawrence has become a bit of an expert at playing a hottie from the hills. Most recently, she's a hillbilly warrior princess of the future from the Appalachian mountain area-turned District 12 in the dystopian teen sensation The Hunger Games. But even before she struck franchise gold, Jennifer found Oscar-nominated gold in her role as the daughter of a missing Meth cooker in the Ozarks. In both roles, she shoots and skins squirrels like a champ.

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces". These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1.) The season opened today. 2.) There is no limit. 3.) They taste just like chicken. 4.) They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus. 5.) They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem to be over by Friday.

Understanding Redneck Philosophy

Redneck is often used to refer to the stereotype of a southern U.S. rural lower-class person. A stereotypical redneck has a beer belly, lives in a trailer, drives a pickup truck, enjoys hunting, and votes Republican. The term is often but not always pejorative, in the same sense as hayseed. However, many of us have taken this term as a point of pride.


  1. Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of understated elegance but never before April.
  2. As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a single phrase: No collar, no tie.


  1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.
  2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other woman in your life."
  3. Redneck Woman
    1. First Date: You give her $20 and have really good sex.
    2. Second Date: You give her $25 and have really good sex with her younger sister.
    3. Third Date: You give her $30 and have sex with her younger brother.
  4. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.
  5. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.
  6. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth or more date, unless, of course, it's the only clean shirt you have.
  7. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.
  8. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you're trying to tell her that she's real sleek.
  9. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
  10. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous.

Dating (Outside The Family)

  1. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's wearing high heels.
  2. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  3. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  4. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
  5. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
  6. Shower her with compliments: "You ain't near as ugly as your sister."
  7. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Personal Hygiene

  1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  2. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  3. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  4. The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or a banker.
  5. It's recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and underarms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in these body regions attractive.
  6. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  7. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
  8. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
    Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Dining Out

  1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
  2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  3. In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks, operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone getting sick or sentimental at the table.
  4. While okay at home, it's considered crass to ask, "Are you gonna eat the rest of that meatloaf?" Especially if you don't know the person.
  5. Many establishments frown on the use of a "doggie bag" at an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
  6. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Out For The Evening

  1. Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don't know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking the ice:
    • My old lady wants to get to know you.
    • I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
    • Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
    • How long have you had that thing on your nose?
    • Is that a new tattoo?
    • When's your parole up?

Entertaining In Your Home

  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
  3. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
  4. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
  5. Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what's not okay to spit in.
  6. Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
  7. Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
  8. If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such as, "Ya'll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent."

In Theaters

  1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  2. Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe
  3. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  2. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  3. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  4. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  5. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  6. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  7. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  8. Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers, especially if parked on a hill.
  9. Remember that the median is not a passing lane.

Tips For All Occasions

  1. Don't let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
  2. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  3. Never ask if they press charges at a job interview.
  4. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  5. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  6. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  7. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  8. It's also considered tacky to make change from the church offering plate.
  9. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  10. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
  11. Don't make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions to the laundromat.
  12. Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing Junior say, "We ain't seen Daddy in eight days, and Mama's too drunk to come to the phone."
  13. At a baby shower, never ask, "Do you have any idea who the father is?"
  14. One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
  15. When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids at the local kennel.
  16. At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, "He looks so natural - like he just got drunk and passed out."
  17. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

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