Soccer is a revered sport all around the world except here in the United States, where we like sports that require jumping and bone crunching. If you like this sport, you’ll like: Curling, synchronized swimming, horseshoes, a kick in the shins. Little girls and boys in fourth grade like this sport.
O.K., the World Cup starts when? Weren’t a few people excited about it earlier this year - or was that last year? Anyway, we haven’t heard much soccer talk lately. Things were a lot different four years ago, when the United States made the World Cup quarter-finals and some newspapers devoted half a page to each day’s developments—not to mention 1999, when our women’s team won the world championship and that lady showed her bra. Those were the days that made you fear for the future of the Republic. Fortunately, Americans have returned in remarkably short order to exercising their God-given right not to give a hoot about soccer. Sure, it’s great for kids, but when you get to be a grownup, it’s time to put away childish things, grab half a dozen brews, sit in the bleachers, and spend three hours watching a 2–1 baseball game. That’s the American way.
The beautiful game has produced some of sport's ugliest (and dirtiest) Players
René Higuita
The erratic Colombian goalkeeper (nicknamed 'El Loco'—'The Madman') has twice tested positive for cocaine—he was probably high when he pulled off that Scorpion Kick—and has also been imprisoned for acting as a go-between in a drugs-related kidnapping. Oh, did we mention his crappy mullet?
Eric Wynalda
Despite his boy-next-door image, Team USA's all-time leading scorer (with 34 goals) and Soccer Hall of Famer is no angel. The ADD sufferer was sent off during the 1990 World Cup for pushing a Czechoslovakian opponent, and in 1992, he was ejected from the national team after elbowing teammate Mark Chung.
Zheng Zhi
Chinese soccer's bad boy hates referees: He was banned for six months in September 2005 after spitting on one official, and months later, had to be held back by his teammates from attacking a referee who refused to shake his hand after a game.
Samuel Eto'o
In addition to headbutting and spitting on opponents, allegedly headbutting his agent, and publicly insulting his former club, Real Madrid, as "bastards," the Cameroonian striker has also been charged with wreckless driving and accused of threatening to kill a journalist. The bastard.
Roy Keane
"You're a fucking wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse," said the Irish captain to his manager during the 2002 World Cup. Not surprisingly, Keane was sent home. Red-carded 11 times in his career, including an incident in 1995 for stomping on a player, his best performance came in 2001 when he delivered a career-ending revenge tackle on a player who injured him four years earlier.
Edmundo
Affectionately known as "The Animal," the Brazilian striker was sent off seven times in one year, and was also sentenced to four-and-a-half years in prison for his involvement in a car crash. But nothing tops his renting a chimpanzee for his son's first birthday—which he then proceeded to ply with beer and whiskey.
Vinnie Jones
Prone to grabbing opponents by the balls and biting journalist's noses, the hard-hitting, hard-talking English bulldog has been sent off 12 times and also holds the record (three seconds) for the quickest booking in a soccer game: barely enough time to say, "Oi, wanker!"
Diego Maradona
Famously punching the ball into the net during the 1986 World Cup, the stocky, pint-sized Argentinian was also sent off during the 1982 World Cup for kicking a player. He was suspended for 15 months in 1991 after testing positive for cocaine, and after failing a drug test at the 1994 World Cup, was sent home. Two heart attacks later, he is still (barely) alive.
Zinédine Zidane
The three-time FIFA World Player of the Year was sent off a staggering 14 times in his career for offences ranging from stomping to headbutting. Zizou's greatest moment came in the 2006 World Cup final when the French midfield maestro "headchestbutted" Italian defender Marco Materazzi after he presumably made some "Yo Mama" joke.
Paolo di Canio
The Italian hothead cemented his bad boy rep in 1998 when he pushed a referee to the ground after being sent off in an English league game. More controversy ensued in 2005 when he made Fascist salutes to fans after his team, Lazio, beat arch-rivals Roma.
Eric Cantona
Having once punched his own goalkeeper, the uni-browed Frenchman went one better in 1995, when, baited by a fan after being red-carded in an English league game, he executed a kung fu kick and then proceeded to knock the living daylights out of said spectator. We're sure it was probably worth the nine-month ban.
George Best
Equal legendary drinker and soccer player, the Northern Irish lothario—dubbed the fifth Beatle—once spent three months behind bars for drunk driving and assaulting a policeman. Having dated several top models in his heyday—including a Miss World—the 1968 European Footballer of the Year had a liver transplant in 2002, but eventually, er, kicked the bucket in November 2005.
Are You Ready For Some Fútbol?
Germany will host the World Cup—the biggest sporting event in the world—and the U.S. might even win. Here’s your guide to the most fun you can have without using your hands!
Goon Squad
Bored by the on-field action? These Cup-chasin’ cretins are bad enough to light up foreign tabloids but good enough to stay on the team.
#9 Wayne Rooney
Forward, England He’s bad: A jones for hookers (including a granny nicknamed Auld Slapper) and on-field loutishness make “Roonaldo” a U.K. gossip-rag fixture. He’s bitched at Beckham, gotten ejected for applauding a yellow card, and been sent to anger counseling after spewing 10 expletives at a ref in under 60 seconds. But it’s all good: At age 17 Rooney became the youngest wanker to score a goal for England. In 28 games since, he’s knocked in 10 more.
#16 Fabien Barthez
Goalkeeper, France He’s bad: In 2003 Fabulous Fab left a Premiership match due to injury, then got caught puffing away in a nonsmoking area—the office of the opposing team’s manager. In 2004 he peed on the pitch at Marseille’s Velodrome stadium in front of 60,000 fans. And in 2005 he was suspended six months for spitting on a ref. But it’s all good: Barthez surrendered just two goals during his homeland’s glorious ’98 World Cup championship run.
#17 Cristiano Ronaldo
Midfielder, Portugal He’s bad: This 21-year-old whiz drives both groupies and refs crazy. He’s been busted for everything from dirty play to flipping off opposing fans to excessive celebrating. Last year he tied Kobe with one rape allegation (later dropped). But it’s all good: The “other Ronaldo” has already notched 26 goals for Man United and 11 for Portugal. If he scores in Germany, count on his jersey coming off. And your girl’s panties getting wet.
#10 Francesco Totti
Forward, Italy He’s bad: At the 2002 World Cup, Totti was red-carded during Italy’s pathetic loss to South Korea. Then at the Euro 2004 tourney, he opted to spit in a Danish opponent’s face in his first match and was banned for three games. But it’s all good: Totti could tear up the Cup with his sick playmaking and free-kick-taking skills. And if he gets ejected, keep your eyes on the stands—his wife, ex-model Ilary Blasi, is wicked hot.
#2 Cafu
Defender, Brazil He’s bad: The face-stomping fullback (real name: Marcos Evangelista de Moraes) was whistled for 16 fouls in the last World Cup. Two years later he and his wife ended up in court on charges of forging an Italian passport. But it’s all good: Brazil’s captain has been playing forever and is the only footballer in history to have played in three World Cup final matches (not even Pele did that). His team won two of ’em.
The Worst Team In The World
Here’s one squad you won’t see in the Cup. Ever. Our odds may be long, but at least the U.S. is not American Samoa. What makes them so awful?
The group of five Polynesian islands (population: 58,000) fields FIFA’s lowest-ranked national team, #205.
In 2001 Australia beat them so badly the scorekeeper lost track of the goals. At 31-0 (or 32-0), it was the most lopsided game ever in world competition. Said Aussie striker Archie Thompson, who upped his goal total from one to 13 (or 14), “I think their one attack consisted of getting over the halfway line.”
At 0-24, AS has yet to win a single FIFA-sanctioned match.
When Maxim tried to inquire about the organization’s mindboggling streak of futility, we got slide-tackled. “At this stage American Samoa has no national team or coach,” explained David Brand, president of the American Samoa Football Association. “I feel it would be expedient to delay an article at this stage.” So the pickup game’s off, then?
