As witnessed by the sage, tight trousered leaders of men in flicks ranging from Glory Road to We Are Marshall. Movie world coaches are wonderful people. In the real world, however, they're these guys. Meet the men you don’t want molding your children (unless you really hate the little bastards). We’ll hear how coaches win games and mold men. Um, not these guys.
Tom Osborne(Career record: 255-49-3)
Osborne’s a Cornhusker legend, which helped him go from coach to congressman. Yet there’s a big blemish on his reputation: running back Lawrence Phillips. During the 1995 season, Phillips’ ex-girlfriend said he dragged her by the hair down three flights of stairs. Osborne suspended Phillips but insisted there were only “occasions every four to five months when he becomes a little explosive.” He later reinstated Phillips to help Nebraska repeat as national champs. Since then Phillips has faced criminal charges that include suspicion of attempting to run down three teens with a stolen car. But, hey, it’s only every four months or so.
Larry Eustachy (271-162)
It’s expected that college basketball players attend raging frat parties and mack on hot coeds. It’s a surprise when their 47-year-old coach does so. After a tough loss to the Tigers, Iowa State’s Eustachy wandered into a bash with Missouri students, where he was photographed drinking and kissing assorted women. (If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!) When the pics ran in The Des Moines Register, other Big 12 students came forward to say that Eustachy had lived
la vida loca
at their schools, too. Eustachy had to resign, but he taught his players a valuable lesson: If you’re gonna revisit your youth, make sure there aren’t any cameras around.
Some coaches inspire locker rooms with their visionary remarks. And some say stuff like this.
“On this team we’re all united in a common goal: to keep my job.”
—Lou Holtz
“We’re not eating, we’re not sleeping. We’re like Gandhi.”
—Pete Gillen, former Xavier U. hoops coach
“When I coached at Marquette, I told the players we go first-class. We don’t take the towels from the hotel rooms. We take the television sets.”
—Al McGuire
“All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.”
—Bobby Knight, on sportswriters
“I looked in the mirror one day and said to my wife, ‘How many great coaches do you think there are?’ She said, ‘One less than you think.’”
—Joe Paterno
“Working for Lou was pretty good. But the problem was, every morning he’d make the coaches kiss his ring, and he kept the ring in his back pocket.”
—former University of Wisconsin football coach Barry Alvarez, on working for Holtz
Animal House
Who needs a bad coach when your mascot’s a freak?
Big Red
(Western Kentucky University)
Fur flew in 2002 when WKU sued an Italian media giant whose character, Gabibbo, looks just like this symbol of toothless hillbilly partisanship. And nothing like a Hilltopper.
Keggy the Keg
(Dartmouth College)
This unofficial replacement for the un-PC Indian has been pumping up crowds since the fall of 2003. Social!
The Billiken
(Saint Louis University)
Legend has it this Billiken Company of Chicago symbol so resembled SLU football coach John Bender, he became the mascot.
Scrotie
(Rhode Island School of Design)
You have to be kind of a dick to become the head cheerleader for the RISD hockey team, known as the Nads.
Jackie Sherrill(180-120-4)
In the world of coaching and managing, there's good enthusiasm (Bill Cowher's affectionate smooches with Joey Porter and Kordell Stewart) and bad enthusiasm (Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl painting his chest and rooting on the school's women's team from the student section). There’s no better way to motivate a football player than to challenge his manhood. That said, former Mississippi State coach Sherrill may have taken things too far when, before the 1992 season opener against the Texas Longhorns, he had a calf castrated on the practice field. Kudos to Sherrill for having found a unique way to help players visualize their fear of being cut. Sherrill put on the scrotum show because he asked his players “what a steer was, and none of them knew” (for the record, a steer is a calf post-Bulldogs pregame rally). Inspired—or at least terrified—his team routed Texas 28-10. Sherrill later said, “If this incident was in any way not perceived as proper by those who love Mississippi State, then I apologize,” but Texas fans have yet to uncross their legs.
Gary Barnett(92-94-2)
First there were Colorado football’s recruiting parties, which allegedly featured strippers and escorts. Then several women, including placekicker Katie Hnida, lodged rape allegations against the Buffs. When her plight came to Barnett’s attention, he sympathetically noted she was an “awful” player who “couldn’t kick the ball through the uprights.” Shockingly, all this happened despite the DTRT—do the right thing—wristbands Barnett gave his team. If wristbands don’t work, what hope is there?
Woody Hayes(238-72-10)
“The minute I think I’m getting mellow, I’m retiring,” Hayes declared. “Who ever heard of a mellow winner?” The legendary Ohio State football coach (three national titles) didn’t need to worry. In the 1978 Gator Bowl, OSU trailed Clemson by two late in the fourth when Clemson’s Charlie Bauman made an interception and ran out of bounds on OSU’s sideline. Hayes, who had scuffled with sportswriters, torn up sideline markers at the end of a loss to Michigan in 1971, and was accused of shoving a camera into the face of a news photographer, then 65, decided to show his team how to take down an opponent and sucker-punched the nose guard. Bauman did not retaliate. The only damage was to Woody’s career. He was canned the next morning and never coached again, ending a 28-year career at Ohio State.
Bob Huggins(567-199)
The Cincinnati hoops coach declared NCAA reports that his program had a 0 percent graduation rate (as in “no graduates”) were misleading, and sure enough, a supporter showed his ratio was nearly a robust 30 percent. Sadly, all good things must end. A 2004 DUI arrest forced him to resign (Cincy’s prez snobbishly insisted coaches be “exemplary role models”). He got a $3 million buyout, or more than $100,000 for each Bearcat who graduated in his 16 years at the helm.
Jim Harrick(470-235)
Harrick led UCLA hoops to its first post-Wooden title in 1995 and still
managed to lose his job the next year by lying on an expense report. After a scandal-plagued stop at Rhode Island, Jim and assistant coach Jim Jr. went to Georgia, where Junior taught Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball, a player fave featuring brutal exam questions like, “How many points does a three-point field goal account for?” (with multiple-choice options!). Every student got an A…and Jim Sr. got a $254,166 resignation deal to get the hell out of town.
John Chaney(741-311)
You don’t make the Basketball Hall of Fame by being a pushover. So when a George Washington player ticked Chaney off, he grabbed GW coach Gerry Gimelstob’s throat. And when he thought UMass coach John Calipari had bullied the referees during a 56-55 Temple loss, he showed up at Calipari’s postgame press conference and screamed, “I’ll kill you! You remember that…when I see you, I’m gonna kick your ass!” while charging the lectern. And when Chaney became convinced St. Joseph’s was setting illegal screens during a game, he put in reserve goon Nehemiah Ingram to “send a message.” Ingram promptly broke the arm of Hawks forward John Bryant. Chaney apologized, but sent another message when he noted Ingram wasn’t the only potential arm-breaker on the floor: “I put three or four players in there and were [sic] telling them to make hard fouls.” Well, at least he’s honest. He’s also retired now.
Win or lose, these coaches always win
Nick Nolte - Blue Chips (Pete Bell)
He got Shaq and Penny Hardaway to play well together. That's better than Brian Hill could do. Plus Hill never beat Bobby Knight or kicked a basketball into the stands.
Jon Voight - Varsity Blues (Coach Bud Kilmer)
In some people's minds, forcing injured high school players to take pain injections is borderline child abuse. Those people are pussies who were probably treasurers of the science club. Coach Kilmer was just doing what it takes to win. We admire that.
John Candy - Cool Runnings (Irving 'Irv' Blitzer)
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Jamaica. Jamaica who? Jamaica me into an Olympian, mon! We love that joke. And we love John Candy…all 400 pounds of rotting Canadian.
Goldie Hawn - Wildcats (Molly McGrath)
Had they their druthers, Wesley and Woody's first money train would have been the one run on Coach McGrath, the sexiest sideline skipper predating Pete Carroll.
James Gammon - Major League (Lou Brown)
We have no doubt that Lou Brown is a great coach and manager (his strip-the-owner motivation technique is Hall of Fame-worthy), but we do have to wonder about his eyesight. How did he not notice the radical transformation of Willie "Mays" Hayes in the off-season?
Walter Matthau - The Bad News Bears (Coach Morris Buttermaker)
If not for Coach Buttermaker's tutoring, Tatum O'Neal never would have turned into the crazy drunk that we all know and love.
Denzel Washington - Remember the Titans (Coach Herman Boone)
He managed to get the fat guy from My Name is Earl, a guy from Scrubs, and the pretty boy from that sappy Notebook movie to all get along. That's saying something because we hear that the casts of Earl and Scrubs hate each other.
Gene Hackman - Hoosiers (Coach Norman Dale)
Other publications might rank Norman Dale as the greatest movie coach of all-time. We've got to drop him a few notches for Hackman's "need a check" turn as the coach in The Replacements.
Paul Newman - Slap Shot (Reggie Dunlop)
How the hell did the producers of Slap Shot manage to land Paul Newman? Who cares, because he took a ragtag group of nobodies and turned them into…well, OK, they lost, but putting the Hanson Brothers on a line together was just genius.
Kurt Russell - Miracle (Herb Brooks)
When you look back on who to give credit for ending communism, Kurt Russell ranks just ahead of David Hasselhoff and Ronald Reagan. No, not for playing the coach who beat the Russians. He ended communism by whipping some ass in Big Trouble in Little China.
Rodney Dangerfield - Ladybugs (Chester Lee)
With Jackée as his assistant coach and that kid from Seaquest as his best player, perhaps no other coach in history has overcome odds greater than Chester Lee did when he led the Ladybugs to the championship. And then Brandi Chastain ripped her shirt off. That was awesome.
Bobby Knight(869-350)
The former Indiana and current Texas Tech hoops coach has thrown a chair across the court, hit a Puerto Rican police officer, cursed at the Big Ten commissioner, chewed out the Hoosiers’ cheerleaders (ostensibly, for cheering), pulled his entire team from the floor after he was ejected in an exhibition against the Soviet Union (they were losing anyway), joked on national TV, “I think that if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it,” pretended to bullwhip a black player, accidentally head-butted a player, accidentally shot a friend in the back while hunting without a license, reportedly threw a vase at a secretary who upset him, and had a “salad-bar incident” when the chancellor of his university dared to talk to him at an upscale grocery store. But he won three NCAA titles, so it’s OK. Over the years, Bob Knight — don't call him Bobby, or he'll suffocate you with one of his form-fitting sweaters — has set a high standard for low behavior. But gosh, he graduates most of his players, so all of the above is totally moot. Totally.
On December 7, 1993, Patrick Knight looked like a deer caught in Daddy’s headlights. After making a bad pass, Pat was called to the bench to face his father’s wrath. Some say Bobby kicked his son as he walked off the court (a.k.a. the “Phantom Punt”); he certainly pushed him into a chair. Many in the crowd, including Pat’s mother, booed. He was suspended by Indiana and missed the Hoosiers’ next victory, a game in which Patrick was ejected for brawling.
Dave Bliss(526-328)
When the going gets tough, the tough piss on the memory of the deceased. Faced with a nightmarish situation (former player Carlton Dotson (currently awaiting trial in Texas) murdered ex-teammate Patrick Dennehy), Baylor coach Dave Bliss hit on a logical solution: Blame the dead. Bliss told his grieving players they should “create the perception that Pat may have been a dealer,” noting there was no way for Dennehy to deny the drug allegations since he had died and all. All that just to save Baylor's basketball program? Georgetown's program, maybe. Kansas', definitely. But Baylor's? Bliss has a lot to answer for, in this world and the next. An assistant coach taped the pep talk and gave the recording to the media. No one was more enraged than Dennehy’s stepfather, who said Bliss “shook my hand at Patrick’s memorial, and I thanked him for coming. He’s just a two-faced bald-ass liar.” We couldn’t put it any better.
Mike Price University of Alabama (very, very temporarily)
After being hired to coach the Crimson Tide, Price kicked it Michael Irvin–style at a charity golf tournament. Following a beverage or three Price made a strip-club visit. When word of his intoxicated night out got around, Alabama quickly rescinded its contract offer; Price later sued Sports Illustrated for libel and defamation after they ran an article claiming he and one of the strippers had sex at a Pensacola hotel. Price accepted a settlement before trial, but remained adamant that Alabama unjustly fired him.
Eddie Sutton Oklahoma State
Coaches from Jon Gruden to Eric Musselman to Dennis Erickson have been popped for alleged DUIs in recent years. The police claim, however, that Sutton blew a .22 blood alcohol rating after his auto/pinball adventure (one report notes that he "swerved across four lanes of traffic, slammed into the back of another car, then crashed into a tree"). A .22… Estimating that he weighed around 180 pounds at the time, that means he knocked back roughly 11 drinks in an hour, thus placing him in the exalted, soused company of Andre the Giant and Richard Burton. Bonus points: This incident occurred nearly 20 years after Sutton convalesced at the Betty Ford Center to take care of his booze problem once and for all.
George O'Leary Notre Dame
We have less problem with his résumé-tweaking—after all, our current C.V. notes that we invented nylon—than with the unimaginative way in which he tweaked it. A master's from NYU? A multiletter undergrad football career at the University of New Hampshire? Bah. That he didn't work something involving religion in there—you know, like a summer internship with Cardinal O'Connor—is probably what got the Notre Damers suspicious.
Joe Cullen Detroit Lions
There are many ways that one might achieve professional notoriety as a defensive line coach. Your unit can lead the league in sacks, for instance, or limit opposing runners to three yards per carry. Or you can get arrested for allegedly cruising pants-free through the Wendy's drive-through and follow that up with an alleged DUI a week later. Whichever.
Wally Backman Arizona Diamondbacks
A few days after Backman was hired to manage the D'backs, The New York Times uncovered a few chapters that had been omitted from his life story. You know, the one about assaulting his wife and one of her friends, and the one about his bankruptcy filing, and the one about driving all drunky-wunky. The team hadn't done its homework, but nonetheless immediately moved to fire Backman after learning of the transgressions. Worse, the previously undisclosed domestic-abuse arrest violated the terms of his drunk-driving probation, and he ended up serving 10 days in jail. In conclusion, it's safe to say that nobody on the planet dislikes the words "due diligence" or "background check" quite as much as Wally Backman.
John McGraw New York Giants
In 33 years as a manager, McGraw won 2,763 games and three World Series. He also, in no particular order, regularly pulled knives on his own and opposing players; engaged in a naked locker-room brawl with "Wee Willie" Keeler (no, the nickname didn't stem from this incident); got popped for illegal gambling; invested in pool halls with mobster Arnold Rothstein; locked umpires out of the Polo Grounds after they blew a call the day before; and, in an enormously successful attempt to stir up the locals, dubbed Cincinnati "the home of the huns" (in doing so, he unwittingly anticipated the lawless and Godless 2005-2006 Bengals). While Ty Cobb may have held the title of Worst Cocksucker Ever to Lace Up the Cleats, McGraw would have made a fine Deputy Worst Cocksucker… That is, if the two sworn blood enemies didn't regularly threaten to gut one another every time they crossed paths.
Sean Cunningham. The 10 Worst College Coaches / Coaches Do The Darndest Things. . August 2006.
