Do you bet on the Buffalo Bills every year? Have your colleagues at the cardboard-box plant affectionately nicknamed you Hey Stoopid. Are you ready for the Special Olympics? How dumb do you have to be to be considered retarded? Well, retardation is more than just a low IQ and a medal. An IQ of 70 is the retard threshold, but Dr. Matthew G. Hile of the Missouri Institute of Mental Health points out that “retardation is a combination of intellectual abilities and functional disabilities. IQ alone is not sufficient.” Take heart if you’re a moron; as Dr. Hile says, “There are lots of people who function in society without a lot of intellectual capabilities.” Hell, we elect most of them.
People do dumb things in large numbers (e.g., drinking kool-aid laced with cyanide, watching "The English Patient," wearing Eskimo's boots (Uggs) with skirts, and buying stock in initial public offerings). They have a lapse in the thought process or an inability to think or remember something clearly, they commit atrocities that would sicken and shame any moderately scrupulous person. Following are all the things that should make you feel a little better about yourself or fill you with deep shame immediately.
50. Dogs in handbags
Wasn’t picking up their shit enough? If you need a pet you can carry everywhere, check out intestinal parasites.
49. Adults on scooters
There’s a time for a man to put away his action figures and enter the big-boy world. Lose the Razor and get a car.
48. “Crazy,” by Gnarls Barkley
Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo. Great on their own, annoying together. The song’s catchy as plague, but it kills you slowly.
47. Whale tails
We have nothing against the top of a gal’s thong (or, for that matter, the actual tail of a whale). The retardedly large spoiler on the back of your Honda? Retarded.
46. Pictures of your children
They’re the light of your life. Doesn’t mean they’re interesting to look at (unless it’s your 17-year-old twins on spring break).
45. Convoluted bongs
Last we checked, you could get high using an apple and aluminum foil. Let’s make some sacrifices, folks—there’s a war going on!
44. Men in helmets
Playing for the Packers? Jumping your bike over the Snake River? If not, let the wind whip through your frickin’ hair already.
43. Dane Cook
Some comics get better each time out. And others prove to be Boston frat-boy douchebags who used up their 15 minutes of funny long ago. Goodbye!
42. Utah
Unlike Nevada, this desert doesn’t offer slots or hookers (and makes it tough to get booze). There’s more to life than tabernacle choirs, Mormons.
41. ‘That’s just the way I roll.’
During the last election, seven different states voted in favor of ballot initiatives stating that stabbing to death anyone who uses this phrase is justifiable homicide. After all, brutally snuffing out the life of a fellow human being would be just their way of rolling.
40. Rappers who aren’t shot
We’re not saying that everyone needs to take nine slugs like 50 Cent, but one or two would be very much appreciated. Thanks, dawgs.
39. Comedy sketches on hip-hop albums
Most of them involve fat rappers boning (why, Biggie?). Even worse than Jamie Kennedy’s flow.
38. Breastless sideline reporters
Some jobs call for talent. Some call for eye candy. Give us fewer Jim Grays and more Melissa Starks.
37. Airplane neck pillows
They’re comfortable. They help you sleep. Still, using one is anti-American and, um, racist!
36. Frosted tips
So you think that there is nothing more embarrassing than baldness? You are miserably mistaken about that, Frostylocks.
35. Tripper’s game
Jack never closed the deal with any of his roomies (not even Janet!). Maybe he was gay.
34. Pepper Jack
Stupid cheese!
33. Dolphin swimmers
When these so-called second-smartest mammals evolve to the point that they can come up on the land, then we’ll hang with them. (It’s our turf or nothing, pseudo-fish.)
32. Men with lip piercings
How often do we have to go over this? For the last time, it’s not the lip but the tongue piercings that enhance the blow jobs, guys.
31. Throwing stars
When used by the ninja as they carried out assassinations in the dead of night, awesome. When used by you to dick around in the basement with your brother, weak.
30. ‘It is what it is!’
Oh, we totally get it now! We’d been wondering what the hell it was, but we at last have an answer: it. Explain why God lets bad things happen to good people and we’ll call it a day, Kierkegaard.
29. Robin Williams: talk-show guest
He’s John Wayne! Then he’s gay! Then he’s gay John Wayne! No man makes unpredictability so predictable.
28. Premium gas
Racing in the Indy 500 anytime soon? No? Then we’re gonna need you to go ahead and use 89 octane like the rest of us motorists, m’kay?
27. White-boy Afros
Caucasians have stolen a lot of things from black culture, but no theft has been as awkward for both groups as this one.
26. Lottery winners with jobs
Let that oh-so-sweet Waffle House night manager gig go already.
25. Brad Pitt being all intellectual
He’s an actor. He can stare into a microscope at a stem cell photo op all he likes; he’s still as confused as Yasmine Bleeth.
24. Turf toe
You can miss a game with a broken pelvis, but any self-respecting linebacker who misses game day due to this ailment has, in fact, sand in his vagina.
23. Eddie singing
Never criticize Eddie Murphy’s movies (even when they’re Metro and Holy Man), because if he quits acting a comeback album awaits.
22. Minivans
A-Team sad.
21. Fauxhawks
Even more damaging to punk than Good Charlotte. Unless you’ve been adopted recently by Angelina Jolie, there’s no excuse.
20. Virtual reality
What the hell happened? Wasn’t there supposed to be an alternative level of existence so utterly and totally ass-kicking that we abandoned the actual world for it already? The Lawnmower Man was bullshit, yo!
19. Bode Miller
We actually have something in common with this celeb skier: Neither of us won a damn thing at the 2006 Winter Olympics.
18. White-collar bikers
Your name is Irwin, you’re a dickwad, and you work at a law firm. Get off the hog and head back to the cigar bar.
17. Jim Belushi
According to Jim makes every other TV program seem pretty solid by comparison. After 20 years in show biz, he’s crap. Was great in Thief, though.
16. The wispy mustache
A man can go clean-shaven or grow a beard, but the only folks who should rock peach fuzz are 12-year-old boys (and 80-year-old women).
15. Dream catchers
For people brave enough not to run into Mommy’s room when they have a nightmare but scared enough to require an eBay “Native American artifact” before they can sleep.
14. Baby boomers
Decidedly not the greatest generation, they’re why Barry Manilow won’t go away. Putting them in nursing homes shall be sweet.
13. Popped collars
Complete list of people who can get away with this look: Elvis, Elvis impersonators, Dracula. Everybody else, tuck them down. Dick.
12. Soft-core porn
As pointless as a no-contact version of the UFC. The actresses are faking in hardcore, too, but at least they’re grinding in the general vicinity of the guy’s crank. (We demand plausibility!)
11. Paul Haggis
Did you know folks of different races sometimes don’t get along, but under the skin are pretty much the same? Kudos for that lesson again, Crash.
10. Tail on the puck
Wasn’t watching hockey unpleasant enough without bringing in a technology that makes every slap shot look like a sperm cell?
9. Kanye West
We may forgive his temper tantrum onstage after losing MTV Europe’s Best Video award. But his gloves-and-sunglasses look is straight-up ass clown.
8. Vegan bacon
The key to good bacon is—stay with us on this one—pork. And no matter how much you pretend you love soy, that won’t change, kelp boy.
7. ‘A grande decaf venti caramel soy macchiato.’
Has there ever been a source of more nauseating phrases than Starbucks? A man should only need to know two words to order coffee: regular and decaf. (And frankly, decaf’s kind of a pussy move.)
6. Cell phone holsters
A heavy cell phone weighs five ounces. You don’t need to strap yourself like Steve McQueen in Bullitt to carry it.
5. Nancy Grace
This utterly bat-shit harpy is one of the few TV hosts to have a guest literally go kill herself (hey, it’s still better than listening to Nancy).
4. Crooks finding Jesus
The recently convicted can locate Him all they want—they’re getting drilled by burly nonbelievers in the shower anyway.
3. Women who stop at the bottom of the escalator
Ladies, the ride’s over: Continue 20 more paces, then have that brain fart.
2. MJ’s second comeback
How to cap off a career of unadulterated excellence? Why not two playoff-free years with the Wizards? Perfect!
1. Mandals
Another crime against humanity courtesy of the Germans.
Sean Cunningham. Maxim’s 50 Lamest Things of All Time! . February 2007.
