The Crappiest Christmas Gifts For Your Significant Other
Sure, there are bad gifts that are funny. But there are also a breed of gifts that leave us scratching our heads, wondering, "Why in the hell did they create this crap?" Here's a tip: Stay away from these items this holiday season, unless you want to be sleeping on the couch until Valentine's Day.
Personalized Coffee Mug (gifts.com)
A picture of the dog whose shit you both clean up does not make for an enjoyable a cup o' joe in the morning. This gift is so lacking in creativity, he/she may fear it'll carry over to the bedroom. Instead, buy it for:: The co-worker you got stuck being Secret Santa for.
"My Therapy" Journal (uncommongoods.com)
Why not give a Xanax prescription? Unless you're dating a 15-year-old they'll perceive you as blank as the pages of the gift itself. Instead, buy it for: The teetering-on-dementia grandparent who you can trick into leaving you everything in it.
Big Red Cyber Jelly Dong Sex Toy (bettersex.com)
Like giving your boss the latest Sharper Image item, it's something that can totally render you obsolete. What are you thinking? Instead, buy it for: The senior who towel-snapped you constantly freshman year, with a note encouraging him or her to come out.
Bed, Bath and Beyond Gift Certificate
Even if it's her favorite store, you're basically saying you're willing to put more effort into moving your bowels in the morning than coming up with a present for them. Instead, buy it for: That friend with B.O.
Cartoon Character Ties (tiewarehouse.com)
Nothing says nerd more than a Homer Simpson tie, and nothing says "I think you're a nerd" more than buying one for someone. Instead, buy it for: Your brother. Who's a nerd.
iRobot Vacuum Cleaner (irobot.com)
Who are you, George Jetson? A gift straight out of the passive aggressive catalogue, this'll quiet things down in the bedroom quicker than herpes. No matter how space-age cool, it's still like giving Windex. Instead, buy it for: Your sister.
Trucker Babe Flask (bewild.com)
Just how did these booze-smuggling devices get to a place where they're produced in beautiful bronzed or diamond-studded models anyway? The "trucker babe flask" has a certain kitschy charm, but unless you're a hip-hop mogul defined by your bling, this gift either says, "I like you better drunk" or, "Please get busted for a D.U.I." Instead, buy it for: The co-worker in AA who got the promotion over you.
Giada de Laurentiis Cookbook
Why not just vomit onto the plate of pasta your lady just made you? It's the same message. Plus, there's the bonus message that you think Giada's really hot—which she is, but it's still a total shortcut to poison in your pudding. Instead, buy it for: Your mother-in-law.
Rod Stewart's Still the Same: Great Rock Classics of Our Time
How long before Stewart cuts a record full of Rod Stewart songs? Legend or not, cut the crap, not another covers record. What's next, a Twisted Sister Christmas record? (Oops, me thinks there is one!) Instead, buy it for: Are you illiterate? No one!
"I'm Too Sexy for My Socks" Socks (absolutesocks.com)
Leave socks in general to the moms, grandmas, sisters, et al, and the ones with funny sayings on them still in the store. Even with a cute line stitched into the fabric, this is one step away from deodorant or tampons. Instead, buy it for: The roommate with foot odor.
Worst Christmas Gifts for Your Significant Other
Sure, there are bad gifts that are funny. But there are also a breed of gifts that leave us scratching our heads, wondering, "Why in the hell did they create this crap?" Here's a tip: Stay away from these items this holiday season, unless you want to be sleeping on the couch until Valentine's Day.
Maxim Online, Dec 2006By Vinnie Penn
The Sexy Gift Guide
Take our advice and you'll turn your wife, girlfriend, or friend-with-benefits from nice to naughty.
Women are complicated—especially when it comes to giving them gifts from both the heart and the loins. But don't fall into the typical Christmas gift pitfalls of crummy lingerie and cheapo trinkets to get her swooning. Instead, use our handy dandy list to blow the socks off the woman—or women—in your life.
Why: If you're going to go for lingerie, don't take the tired route of Victoria's Secret. From the man who brought you Ivan Kane’s Forty Deuce comes a new line of lingerie that'll make your girl look like one of them without feeling ho, ho, ho-ey. "My girlfriend and I always used to fight about lingerie gifts, because I wanted to get her something trashy and she wanted something classy," says Sean. "Now we can both be happy!"
Why: You two are likely still in the sexual adventurousness phase of your relationship, so why not invest in some playtime furniture? "I bought my girlfriend the Black Label Ramp. To our joy, it made normal positions into extraordinary new sex," says James. "The support it gave was just the right touch to make everything hit the right spots. My girlfriend was as excited as I was, and it didn't let us down."
Why: Not ready to drop dough on some serious sparklies? Know that she has a hankering for the smelly stuff? Kill two birds with one stone by getting her a bottle of Jivago, which has real 24-karat gold chips suspended in the fragrance. "It served three purposes, actually," says Amber. "I got my scent and my bling, and he got a puzzle to solve: How do they suspend the chips in the perfume? He still hasn't figured it out."
Why: If you've duped her into becoming your wife, chances are you've had the headache chat at least once. Try plying her with Sex tonics from Elixir Tonics & Teas. The Chi Devil tonic, made specifically for women, has a blend of boysenberries, blackberries, and herbs we can't pronounce. Does it work? "My wife's excuse is she's always stressed out from her job," says Dave. "She always has tea when she comes home, so I made her some of the Elixir stuff. I don't know if it turned her crank, but it certainly de-stressed her enough to get things rocking again." An insider tip? Add vodka to the tonic for delicious Sextinis.
Why: Jewelry is always a good gift for the wife—at this point, she's earned it for sticking by you and your deadly BBQ experiments. But going to Zales doesn't convey the same meaning as getting her a one-of-a-kind bauble from Susan Foster. Says Annie, "My husband bought me the cross necklace and told me to wear that and nothing else to bed. Let's just say we were up so late that he didn't make it in to work the next morning."
Why: It's been said that women are turned on more by mental stimulation than visual, but that may be up for debate (ever seen women watching a movie where Brad Pitt goes shirtless?) Sounds Erotic offers a CD series—choose from Sugar, Spice and Spank!—designed to deliver a good, hot story that gets things started so you can close the deal. "My wife and I put the Spank! CD in one night, and I was a little nervous about what she would think, but she loved it," says Scott. "The CD really got her revved up and even more adventurous!"
Why: Want to make sure your perverted pal knows she's not getting an upgrade? Say it with porn! "He made it clear that our relationship—if you could call it that—was strictly about sex," says Claire. "Not to mention the title was perfect. I loved it. And we got great use out of it."
Why: Nothing says "get naked and screw" quite like a good bottle of alcohol, but she is a buddy, so don't be a cheap-ass and get her a bottle of Night Train from 7-11. Instead, invest in a bottle of Modern Spirits vodka. Think more gourmet than chick with flavors like Pear Lavender and Chocolate Orange. "Unlike other vodka, this stuff doesn't taste like gasoline," Kent notes. "So it was easy to down the bottle…and then get down to business."
Why: You wanna make it all about sex? This kit is filled with bonding tape, Melt Chocolate Body Fondue, and best of all, the "Turn Me On" remote controlled vibrating panties. "The vibrating panties are so hot," says Alexis. "I wore them out to dinner, and he kept turning the control on and off, making it stronger and stronger. By the time we got to dessert, I was begging him to let us leave early so we could finish what he'd started."
Carly Milne. The Sexy Gift Guide. Maxim. December 2005.
