Hallmark holiday or not, ignoring Valentine's Day when you've got a special someone to share it with (your girlfriend, remember?) is grounds for torture in some states. So you've decided it's best to avoid the business end of a cattle prod, but then a dilemma remains — what the hell do you get her? Fret not, man — we've got you covered. Use our handy guide to pick out something cool for your girl to ensure that she'll go gaga, and that you rack up points for when you really screw something up down the line.
0-6 Months
At this stage you're in the New Car phase. You're getting used to the handling, you're feeling your way around things, and though you haven't come close to cracking the user's manual, you know it's fun to drive even though you haven't figured out how everything works. So seeing as you don't know yet if you're going to lease or buy, best to stay on the lighter side of things financially. But going cheap doesn't necessarily mean crappy gifts.
If Valentine's Day hits before your six-month anniversary, dont go too crazy with the preparations. Yes, do something nice, but don't do so much that topping yourself next year will be next to impossible.
No matter what you've been told, stuffed animals of any nature holding a heart that says "I Wuv You" is grounds for immediate dismissal. Roses, however, rule.
6 Months-2 Years
At this point, things are still fresh and new, and you're likely still trying out positions on the kitchen table. But she's earned some stripes by now, so it's time to start showing her that in a way that's more romantic than painting it on your chest at a football game.
If you insist on going the chocolate route, see if you can find a place that lets you pick and choose what goes into the box for a more personal touch rather than grabbing that waxy junk from the supermarket.
Make sure you know her fashion taste before you go the clothing route. There's few things worse than buying Laura Ashley for someone who's into Roberto Cavalli. As for shoes, steer clear - there's too many variances in size from style to style ... unless she's given you specifics.
2-5 Years
You're getting to veteran territory by this point, and now you know her well enough to know her innermost desires, her passions, and ambitions, and the noises she makes in the bathroom that can't be masked by turning on the shower. Time to step up to the plate and show you've been listening to her with at least one ear while Cops is on.
Still have no idea what to give her? Here's an idea - ask for tips. We'd rather you do that than show up with something way out of left field, like a personalized bowling ball.
If you bought he something sexy, make sure she unwraps it in the privacy of your home rather than in front of all the other diners at the restaurant ... unless you want to build anticipation toward the end of the evening's events and you don't care about offending the old retired couple dining next to you.
5 Years +
It's pretty much official — if you're not married, she's still entitled to half your stuff at this point, and if she hasn't taken off with it yet she deserves to be rewarded. After all, who else is going to put up with your collection of classic beer bottles that dates all the way back to college?
Don't forget the power of those three little words, "I love you." It's best if you man them, and actually write about why if you got her a card. Sometimes, simple is best. (Remember, we said sometimes.)
Remember, thoughtfulness is a big part of a Valentine's gift. So if she's been asking you to put up a picture for the last six months, clean out the garage or remove your toenail clippings from the Cheez Whiz, you might want to try that as part of your campaign to keep her for another year.
To her, Valentine's is Christmas, New Year's Eve, and your anniversary all rolled into one big, pink package. On this special day, you'll be expected to prove your love—and nothing you do, say, or buy will satisfy her. And don't even pretend that it's the "thought" that counts, because unless your thoughts are worth their weight in roses and chocolate, you're just "not getting it" which really means you're "not getting any." Survive V-Day as best you can with these surefire tips.
Plan Ahead
Avoid the rush of holiday shoppers rifling through overpriced gifts the day before V-Day. Most plastic surgeons, for example, require that appointments be made well in advance. Be sure to make all your arrangements before February 15th. If you are single, now is the time to shop online for a significant relationship.
Say It…With Love
Demonstrate how much you really care by broadcasting your love to the world—"I Love You, Suzie" "I ♥ You, Rhonda" or the urban "I ♥ You, Bitch". This can be achieved simply via skywriting, graffiti, a personalized t-shirt, and tattooing her co-workers. This is one instance in which telling is better than showing, so better to get your message across in words than by shooting a public official.
Store-bought Gifts
Likely, she's dropped subtle hints about what she'd like to receive this year: "Ooh, my ring finger is so cold," or "Don't you think that Junior should have a daddy?" But gloves and robot fathers aren't for every girl this holiday, so consider something traditional. Show that you're better than all the guys who go the stuffed-animal-chocolates-puppy route by stuffing her puppy with chocolates! Money-saving tip: Fifi won't know the difference between Godiva and your leftover Halloween crap. Especially after you've gutted him to make room for the sweets.
Do-It-Yourself
Go that extra mile by making her something special yourself. Spend an afternoon painting pottery, and give her the end product. How can she not appreciate an oversized ashtray in pastel colors?! You could also make her a pillowcase out of an old ratty shirt you never wear, or an iPod out of Styrofoam. Consider, training a pig, which can serve as a special Easter treat in a few months time.
The Special Evening
Two words: Applebee's.
Holiday Getaway
Some couples make the most of the holiday by spending a February weekend someplace even colder than where they live! This is a great way to force intimacy, and can really fast-forward you to the finish of your relationship. "B&B's" are a very popular lodging option. Probably named after blues legend "BB" King, these accommodations lack essential amenities, like card-swipe keys. Still, if you spring for one of these quaint shanties, you will likely get some.
Matt Schneiderman. Surviving V-Day. Stuff. 1/30/2006.
V-Day demands
Every other day of your relationship is about her—why should she get February 14th, too? Smack the crap out of Cupid's Pampers.
All complaints must be submitted via cue card
The only rings purchased will be onion in origin
Dress code: boxers. (Stained tank-top optional.)
New candy shapes for 2006 to include t-bone, pickup truck, and the Chicago Bears logo
Effort exerted to be directly proportional to the number of sexual partners added
For duration of day, the term "reservoir tip" shall be as mythical as "orgasm"
Cupid's arrow to be used only for slaying dinner
"I gotta go" acceptable response to "I love you"
Greeting cards must depict either apes, food, or Spider-Man
Baseball cards will be accepted in lieu of greeting cards
Color pink allowed only for undergarments and the parts they conceal
Any dinner must include free toy
We'll cook, but only by Dutch Oven
Any movie involved must either feature double penetration, must not star Diane Lane, or must feature double penetration of Diane Lane
We can have a frank discussion about the future of our relationship…during all TV timeouts
For duration of the day, your feet, back, and head do not hurt
Flying Solo This Year
It's the day that some couples love, other couples mock, and nearly all singles abhor: Valentine's Day. But if you're flying solo this year, it doesn't have to be as traumatic as the time the girl you liked gave your best friend a Transformers' Valentine instead of you. In fact, it might just be the golden opportunity to get lucky, but heed our warning: Picking up a girl on what's supposedly the most romantic day of the year isn't for the faint of heart. Stick to our rules and you could be singing the praises of Cupid. Deviate from them, and you could be eating Cool Whip straight from the tub for the rest of your life. It's your call.
Pick your target
Likely your pick-up spot is going to be some variation of a bar. If you're going to pick up a chick on the most notorious couple's day of the year, you don't want to be all unattended-fire-hose-on-full-blast about it. "We just want to feel like we're special," says Jennifer. "You can talk to anyone in the bar. If we think you're making the rounds, we're not going to give you a second of our time. You know, unless we're really drunk."
Judge the situation
So the girl of your dreams is in your scope—your next step is to figure out if she's there alone or with friends. "If there's a girl on her own on Valentine's Day having a drink, she might as well be wearing a sign that says, 'I Wanna Get Laid,' otherwise she'd be at home drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy," says Erin. "Likely the chick is independent and cool if she's out solo on V Day. But most girls—myself included—would go with a group."
Figure out your approach
Sure, it's easier to approach a woman sitting all by herself, but where's the challenge in that? Unless she's super damn hot, of course—then don't pass that opportunity by. But what if said hottie is in a gaggle of girls? "The guy had better be witty—one step too far, he's embarrassing and should probably leave," Toby notes. "He can say pretty much anything that's not stupid or egotistical. Goofy is good, witty is better, and on Valentine's Day, sickly sweet—in a goofy way—is acceptable, where it wouldn't be on any other day." For example? "My friend has this thing he calls the Rose Gambit, where he hands a flower to a woman and says, 'I think you dropped this.' It's cute, and it's worked. And 'Is this seat taken?' is totally acceptable if the guy is hot. But they need to embrace the goofy."
Don't be too needy, too dorky, too hungry, or too cocky
Granted, it sounds like a lot to remember, but it's pretty straightforward. "Most girls that would venture out to a bar on V Day are pretty sure of themselves, and would not put up with primo attitude," Tara says. "My major caveat would be that it helps if you're cute and well-groomed. It also helps to appear eager, but not desperate. Girls can smell desperation. Girls can't stand cocky guys any better."
Actually pay attention to what she's saying
You know how you tuned out your mom no matter what she was saying to you? You can't do that here. "I was picked up once," recalls Marie. "I can't remember how we met, but we were sharing a table and we started talking. He was very attentive, and bought me drinks. He asked me to dance (fast and slow dances), and rubbed my back when we were sitting. He seemed interested in my life, and even did the 'You're 27? You look way younger than that!' bit. So I'd say that's key—if you don't care, fake absolute interest in what a girl does. 'You're a dog washer? Fascinating! Tell me all about it!' Then he can listen out for the important beats and stare at her chest."
Once you're in, give it your all
This isn't like the time you wanted a dog and then paid your little brother to walk it and clean up after it. If you're going to take the time out to execute tips one through five, going the distance is the only way you have a shot at taking it all the way. "The moral on that is that if they meet you at a club or bar, they have to be willing to dance like they would if they were alone in the room. Like they're not being forced to do it, or they're just doing it for you," Lacey comments. "They have to talk with you like they mean it, and they have to hang with you as if they don't care that it's Valentine's Day and they're single. And the more they stick to that plan, the more likely it is that I'll go home with them at the end of the night … or at least, hook up with them soon afterward."
Carly Milne. Love Connection / Heart Attack. . January 2006.
