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Tired Of Letting The World Kick Your Ass?

Ready to be stronger, faster, healthier, and—no offense—better in bed? Then let’s go! Every January you make yourself the same vague, desperation-driven promises: “I need to lose weight”; “I’ll finally start saving money”; “I’m going to try to stop hating French Canadians so much.” And you manage to accomplish not a one of them, starting off yet another year with failure.

The 30-Minute Workout

Rock the body…rock the body…come on.

To put together the perfect streamlined exercise routine, we consulted with John Wharton, trainer for the NHL’s Detroit Red Wings. “Trying to stay active helps, but you still need to devote three to four days a week to a comprehensive 30-minute workout,” Wharton recommends. “This workout increases strength, muscle endurance, and power. And the beauty is, you can do it anywhere, without equipment or a workout facility.” That’s right—no more excuses. Now get crackin’!

Accidental Exercise

Yes, we know it’s tough to make it to the gym. But follow these tips and you can work out without breaking your daily routine.

• When you switch on SportsCenter in the morning, hit the floor instead of the couch. Do crunches during every highlight. When Kenny Mayne’s miserable face comes back on the screen, rest. (Picture yourself punching him repeatedly to motivate for your next set.) When the commercials start, flip over and give us 20.
  
  
• Use your feet the way God intended. Stop searching for the perfect parking space, and slide into a spot at the back of the lot. Now you can walk to work, like the slender Europeans do. (OK, maybe not the Germans.)
  
  
• Give ’em the chair! Your office chair, that is. Hang your arms on the outside of the armrests and press in, working your chest and lats. Now slide your arms inside the armrests and press out. That works your shoulders, deltoids, and upper trapezoids. In between sets, clench your butt cheeks together for a 10-count, relax, and make sure no one’s watching you sculpting your candy ass.
  
  
• Take the stairs whenever possible—it’s one of the best workouts you can get. Even with all that expensive workout equipment, pro athletes still do it. “Probably not a week goes by without our players running the Joe Louis steps,” says Wharton, and he usually joins them.
  
  
• We know you do it already one way or another, but work those wrists some more. By squeezing a rubber ball (just one, thank you) at your desk, you’ll relieve stress and strengthen your wrists and fingers. You’ll also keep your body burning calories just by fidgeting.

You Moron!

Five things you screw up every single workout.

• You don’t drink enough. “You need 16 ounces of water before you work out,” Wharton says, “and every 15 minutes during your workout, or else your workout will suffer, and your body will, too.”
  
  
• You skip your warmup. Stretching gets your muscles ready to work. Don’t bounce while stretching; instead, stretch slowly and as far as possible, and then hold it for 30 seconds to prevent injury.
  
  
• You’ve got it all backward. Don’t do your strength work before your cardio work. Reversing the order will give you better results that last longer.
  
  
• You’re a big, fat cheater. Isolate the muscles you’re working on. When doing biceps curls, for example, don’t stand out in the open—press your back and shoulders against a wall and bend your knees to prevent cheating with your torso muscles.
  
  
• You don’t take enough time off. When you lift, you create tiny tears in the muscle tissue. It’s the repair work the muscle does that makes you stronger. Take a day off in between workouts to give your muscles a chance to recover.

Eat With Your Brain

Still trying to get rid of that spare tire? Follow these easy tips for eating right and your gut will disappear.

• “Number one on my list is eating breakfast,” says Wharton. Much more important than what you eat is the fact that you eat something each morning to get your metabolism started. A stomach full of bacon and eggs burns more calories than a stomach that’s still asleep.
  
  
• Eat more frequent, but smaller, meals. “Stoke the fire in the morning,” Wharton advises, “then throw some kindling on throughout the day.” Most servings give your digestive system more than it can burn, and if you only eat twice a day, your body stores the extra calories as fat.
  
  
• Dehydration hurts metabolism and creates a 10 to 20 percent drop in performance—not just on the ice but at the office and in bed. “You really can’t drink enough water,” Wharton says, “but eight glasses a day is a start.” Keep a 32-ounce water bottle (that’s four glasses, Einstein) at your desk. Since it’s right there, you’ll drink it. Now go refill it.
  
  
• Yes, we know they’re tasty, but you eat way too many carbohydrates. However, “The no-carb diet is not a good thing for an active male,” warns Wharton. “It’s hard on the kidneys, shrinks your energy storage, and gives you mood swings.” Instead, go for low-carb foods—fruits, vegetables, and salads instead of grains, pasta, rice, and potatoes. If you have to get your fix of high-carbs, do it before noon or right after working out, when your body will burn ’em up.
  
  
• No midnight pizzas. Late-night carbs just become early-morning fat. “Believe it or not,” Wharton says, “a stick of beef jerky or a tuna-salad sandwich is better for you, because they’re high-protein, low-fat, and low-carb.”

Get a Better Job

Come on, slacker—everybody’s doing it.

Get Fired

Why slave for pay if you can collect from your couch?

Get a Raise

Overworked and underpaid? To get your due, you’ll need skill…or these tricks. Unfortunately the spineless brown-nosing that got you your job in the first place won’t get you a raise or promotion. It’s time to trade in that shovel for some No-Doz and kneepads.

Trade Her In

Upgrade your girlfriend without missing a day of sex.

Be Funnier Today

Surefire jokes for every situation.

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