New Year's festivals once included rites which were supposed to ward off the barrenness of winter and insure the return of spring with its fertility. In pre-Christian times among certain peoples, these midwinter rites included the actual or symbolic killing of the king of the old year and the welcoming of a new king. Sometimes a sacred animal was sacrificed, to be replaced by a new one; sometimes a scapegoat, upon whom the sins of the tribe were visited, was driven out to wander or die.
New Year's in America, which occurs at the midpoint of the Twelve Days of Christmas and aside from Christmas itself is the most festive celebration of this joyous season, brings to the Christ-Mass many pagan vestiges: the veneration of evergreens, the burning of the yule log and the kindling of new fires, indulgence in sexual license and intoxicating drink, processions of mummers and maskers, ritualistic combat between opposing parties, and the pledging of good resolves in order to redeem the bad behavior of the past.
New Year's Beliefs
Tennessee
If you wash your clothes on New Year's Day, you will wash someone out of your family.
If a woman comes to see you on New Year's Day, the chickens will all be pullets; if a man comes, they will all be roosters.
On New Year's night, place a gold band in a glass of water, go into a dark cellar, and see your husband's picture in the bottom of the glass.
The Alleghanies
If a girl wishes to know whether her future husband will be a stranger or from the vicinity, she can find out by going alone and after night on New Year's Eve, standing silently by a peach-tree and shaking its stem. Should a dog bark, her suitor comes from a distance, but if a cock crows his home is near.
The Ozarks
Always make sure the salt-shaker is full on New Year's Day, and you will prosper throughout the year.
Creole Louisiana
If you sew on New Year's Day, you will sew a shroud before the year is out.
Always wear something new on New Year's Day for good luck during the year.
Illinois
If you cry on New Year's Day, you will be sorry throughout the year.
What you do the first hour of the New Year will be what you do most of the year.
Animals kneel at midnight on New Year's Eve.
North Carolina
Whatever you do on New Year's Day, you'll do the rest of the year.
Don't do anything on New Year's that you don't wish to do all year.
Hawaii
Don't sweep the house during the day.
Don't sweep the house during the evening.
Girls must not go out early in the morning of New Year's Day.
Men do most of the work on New Year's Eve.
Bad luck comes if a girl is your first visitor: good luck, if a man comes first.
Luck will go away if you open the front door.
Millions Of Men Across The Country Make The Same Vows
You could resolve to change your wicked ways and become a fit, healthy, new-millennium man. Or you could just do this…
Each January 1, millions of men across the country make the same vows: I will cut down on my drinking; I will start going to the gym; I will stop stalking Jennifer Lopez—the kinds of lifestyle changes we know are good for us but that, for one reason or another, are sorta hard to execute. And no doubt come Valentine’s Day, or at the latest the onset of March Madness, most of us will be drunk, staring down at our unaerobicized bellies while searching the Internet for nudie pictures of La Lopez and wondering, Where did I go wrong?
We don’t want you to be one of those guys, setting lofty self-improvement goals that are almost impossible to reach. Hey, if you want to completely refashion your life for the better, all the power to you. But the stats say it’s harder than you think. So why risk winding up in relapse land with Darryl Strawberry when you can make only a few minor changes in your lifestyle—and hold on to all those delicious bad habits you’ve put so much effort into? Here we’ve listed some common resolutions men make and given you some strategies to help you break them and still feel good about yourself.
“I will never again wake up on the floor, surrounded by empty beer cans!”
Odds of failure: 50 percent
As Winston Churchill once said, “I have
taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” Pictures of the old porker leave little doubt he was right, but just because you’re the proud owner of an expanding waistline doesn’t mean you’re not losing something. “Alcohol does its fair share of stripping away important nutrients and overworking a few vital organs when flushing through your system,” says Fred Beyerlein, R.D., author of Drink As Much As You Want and Live Longer: The Intelligent Person’s Guide to Healthy Drinking. A few quick additions can go a ways toward correcting the problem.
Buy a few B’s: “Drinking eliminates a series of important elements, such as thiamin, folate, magnesium, zinc, and most of the B-complex vitamins, either by neutralizing them or excreting them during frequent trips to the urinal,” Beyerlein says. You can take a multivitamin to replenish the minerals, but Beyerlein also recommends taking 50 milligrams of a B-complex vitamin and 500 mg of vitamin C two or three times a day. This keeps the vitamins from competing against each other for absorption and gives you a larger hit of what your body needs.
Break down your booze. Whenever you drink, you put a lot of wear and tear on your kidneys and other organs. Taking 50 mg of glutathione each day can help. “This triple-amino-acid group contains sulfur, an element that helps the body process alcohol more effectively, with less damage,” Beyerlein adds.
Other supplements to look for are milk thistle, lecithin, and dandelion. These three herbs help scrub your liver clean by speeding up the removal of fat and bile while helping repair the damage inside the liver.
Cycle your supping. “Pick two days out of each week when you throw back two drinks fewer than usual. Then choose one week out of the month to drink 50 percent less than usual,” Beyerlein recommends. “You’ll be resting your liver for a total of 152 days out of the year, causing roughly half as much damage without having to give up your daily drinking schedule.”
“I will get back in shape!”
Odds of failure: 50 percent
Look, it’s all well and good that you’re inspired
to get up off the couch—if only to waddle to the phone and order one of those ab machines you saw advertised at two in the morning. But before you blow 2,000 bucks on a super-high-tech coatrack, why not prove you’re committed to staying fit?
“Muscles grow from many kinds of stress besides the type that weightlifting imposes on them” says Patrick Evans, head trainer at Gold’s Gym in Alexandria, Virginia. So why even leave the couch? “Shocking muscle fibers with isometric exercises can burn calories, build strength, and tone your body just as effectively,” he adds. With the Incredibly Lazy Maxim Workout, you’ll build muscle and burn fat without missing a moment of WWF action.
Chisel that chest. Place your palms together, fingers pointing out toward the TV, with your hands about a foot away from your body and your elbows bent. Press your hands together as hard as you can, then slowly move your arms up and down in front of you to work the upper and lower portions of the chest. Next extend your arms over your head, hands facing forward, shoulder width apart. Keeping your forearms facing forward, tense your back muscles; then slowly pull your arms down until your elbows are even with your shoulders; then raise them back overhead.
Build those biceps. Tuck your right arm by your side, palm facing front, and place your left hand on your right wrist. Slowly curl your right arm up while pressing down with your left hand. Reverse hands to work the other arm. Next place your hands on the edge of the couch, fingers pointing at the floor. Slide your ass off the couch, taking a few small steps forward, until your arms are supporting all your weight. Bend your elbows as you lower your butt to the floor, then press back up until your arms are straight.
Limber up those legs. Stand, place your hands behind your head, then squat down as far as you can without touching your ass to the couch. Hold this position for two seconds, then stand up again. Finish by sitting down on the edge of the couch, extending your legs out in front of you, keeping your heels just slightly off the floor. Lean back until your back is at a 45-degree angle to the couch. Now simultaneously draw your chest and knees together, then extend your legs again, to work your abs. Lie back, pull the gear shift on the La-Z-Boy, and reach for a towel.
“I will have some fun and not be such a deadly dull workaholic!”
Odds of failure: 75 percent
Burning the midnight oil gets you a lot more
than boss points and coworkers’ envy; chronic work stress dismantles your immune system and contributes to conditions like heart disease and cancer, says Howard J. Rankin, Ph.D., founder of the Carolina Wellness Retreat in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, and author of 7 Steps to Wellness. But if you can’t let go enough to put an end to those 16-hour days, at least you can fool your body into thinking you’re actually tanning on the Riviera.
Breathe, stupid. Whenever you experience a wasted moment in your day, pay attention to your breathing. “Focusing on your breath forces you to think about nothing but the present, slowing down the processes that keep your autonomic nervous system in a state of hyperarousal,” says Nina Morales, L.C.S.W., stress-management instructor for the Hackensack University Medical Center in Hackensack, New Jersey.
Give yourself five. “Getting away for just five minutes each hour can improve your productivity and health dramatically” says Ken Goodrick, Ph.D., associate professor of medicine at the Baylor College of Medicine and author of Energy, Peace, Purpose: A Step-by-Step Guide to Optimal Living. “Even a walk to the bathroom will disperse endorphins and prevent the buildup of stressful biochemicals.”
Pick a one-word mantra. Julian Whitaker, M.D., author of Reversing Health Risks,
recommends a two- or three-syllable word that connotes warm feelings, such as harmony, tranquillity, or Yasmeen. Now spend a few minutes saying it over and over again. “Repeating a mantra is one of the simplest ways to unwind and lessen stress,” Dr. Whitaker says.
Take herb out to lunch. Ginseng is what they call an adaptogen herb, meaning it combs your body in search of biochemical stress levels that are too low or too high and adjusts them accordingly. If your blood pressure’s high, it will drop it; if you’re low on energy, it will give you some. There are two types of ginseng, Panax and Siberian. Check the label to make sure your pick has the right amount of active ingredients (look for .8% eleutherosides on Siberian ginseng and 7% ginsenosides on Panax ginseng.)
Do you have all the willpower of a Kennedy at happy hour? Then rationalize away your vices.
You still drink too much coffee.
(The ladies kill for a guy with shaky fingers who can stay up all night.)
You never took flying lessons.
(At least you’ll never miss a wedding.)
You still bite your fingernails.
(If you’re stranded in the wild and have to resort to cannibalism, you’re prepared.)
You never took up an instrument.
(It didn’t keep the members of N’ Sync from raking in cash and cooch.)
You still lie like a dog.
(Teach your wife how to do it—maybe she’ll run for a New York Senate seat!)
You can’t see your feet over your gut.
(You’ll never be reminded of how small your penis is.)
You haven’t stopped masturbating.
(A firm handshake is well respected in almost all cultures.)
You still drink like a fish.
(Fish only drink a few ounces a week, which actually makes you a pansy.)
You’re still a disorganized mess.
(So’s the Republican Party.)
You never joined a gym.
(No embarrassing stiffies while watching aerobics class.)
You still hate your job.
(At least you make more money than the editors of Maxim.)
You’re still dating a nagging bitch.
(At least you’re getting laid.)
You’re still married to a nagging bitch.
(At least you’re getting…wow, you poor
sad bastard.)
You never visit your grandparents, like a good grandson should.
(You’re not like your selfish siblings, always jockeying for the inheritance.)
You never volunteered to be a Big Brother.
(So one young boy doesn’t learn how to pull a finger or belch the alphabet this year.)
“I will stop being such a complete and utter
pothead stoner.”
Odds of failure: 66 percent
Still holding on to the record player because it’s
hard to sort the seeds out on a CD cover? Unable to remember exactly what it was you just said? Still holding on to the record player because it’s hard to sort the seeds out on a CD cover? Dude, you smoke too much pot!
It’s OK, though, because there are worse things you could do to your health, like getting the munchies and eating your way through a 12-pack of Slim Jims. “Marijuana creates an immediate need to satiate your appetite, not an urge for any particular taste,” says Harry Scott Swartzwelder, Ph.D., clinical professor of medical psychology at Duke University and coauthor of Buzzed. Most people turn to junk food because it’s the fastest way to answer the chow call. So learn to manage your munchies.
Fire up, then fiber up. “Take advantage of wanting to eat just about anything by stocking up on healthy, high-satiety foods,” says Steve Lischin, M.S., nutritional consultant for World Gym in New York and former consultant for select New York Mets and Giants players. “Try high-fiber foods, such as beans and rice or low-fat peanut butter on whole-grain bread.”
Finally, program your VCR. “Pot changes your perception of time, making life appear to move slower,” Swartzwelder says. “Your mind can’t string memories together as efficiently, which creates gaps within your mental time line, always making it feel earlier than it really is.” The more clocks you surround yourself with, the less likely you’ll be to suddenly realize it’s dawn—and you’re on your fourth bowl.
“I will stop screwing around on my girlfriend.”
Odds of failure: More than 50 percent
If you’re still slinking out of some strange girl’s
apartment for that 7 a.m. walk of shame—all the while knowing your sweetheart really does believe that you had an emergency midnight staff meeting on tape dispenser etiquette—maybe your conscience is weighing on you enough to make you want to be faithful. Then again, what’s a conscience gonna do when it’s matched up against a bevy of legs, of lips, of breasts? If you can’t keep the dog in your pants, at least keep the cat in the bag.
Dump Beck; dig Bach: In studies, students who listened to Mozart’s Sonata for Two Pianos in D Major sharpened their memory skills dramatically. “Classical music appears to open up synapses in the brain that seem to be linked with keeping the mind sharper and more responsive,” says Julian Whitaker, M.D., author of The Memory Solution and Reversing Health Risks. Hard rock uses a persistent beat that keeps the brain focused in a specific direction, leading to not-so-inventive excuses like “Uh, I was out” and “Wow, I never had a zit down there before.”
Send an anagram. Keep your story straight with a skill known as mnemonic phrasing, Dr. Whitaker suggests. Write down the list of items in the order you need to remember them (left Work, visited sick Aunt, had Car trouble, etc.), then string a sentence together using easy-to-remember words with the same first letters (Women Are Credulous).
Feed your memory. “Ginkgo biloba may refine memory by improving blood flow to the brain, although more data needs to be collected to prove its efficacy,” says James Dillard, M.D., founding medical director of the Oxford Health Plans Alternative Medicine Program.
The effervescent sizzle of match head
against flint. The fiery red glow of a cigarette tip in the dark. Those corn-niblet teeth and burn holes in the sofa. Who in their right mind would willingly give up smoking? Besides, our fashion editor tells us portable oxygen tanks are going to be all the rage in 2015. So if quitting smoking is just beyond your current willpower quota, we strongly suggest you:
Become an aficionado. Switching to a pipe or cigar does more than add a hint of refinement to your toking; it keeps your lungs pink instead of flame-broiled black. Better yet, both are richer in nicotine than cigarettes, giving you more of a buzz than any pack of smokes. Sure, this form of smoking can still contribute to lip and gum cancer, but having no lips didn’t stop Nicholson or Bowie from having a career.
Swallow a few C’s. “Smokers undergo more oxidative stress from carbon monoxide, which destroys certain nutrients essential for running your systems more efficiently,” says Harry Preuss, M.D., throwing more jargon at us than we know what to do with. But seeing as he’s the director of the National Research Council for Health and past president of the American College of Nutrition, we’ll have to assume this is serious. Turns out that smoking depletes the body’s vitamin C (lowering the immune system’s defenses) and vitamin E (an antioxidant that protects the lungs from airborne pollutants). To replenish what inhaling takes away, look for a daily antioxidant concoction at your local health food store that contains lots of the vitamins C and E, grape seed extract, green tea, and pine bark derivatives, a group of super-antioxidants that help protect against damage from inhaled smoke.
Huff when you puff. “One reason smoking is so relaxing is that you enjoy a deep inhale when taking a drag,” Dr. Whitaker says. “Just expanding the lungs with a large breath can be a soothing experience.” As you smoke take two long, deep breaths after every drag. “Not only will you maintain the relaxing sensation, but you’ll feed your lungs a bit more oxygen than they usually receive, while cutting down on your puffs by about half,” he adds.
See red when you see orange. Studies in Finland have shown that large doses of betacarotene (25,000 to 50,000 IU) may actually increase the risk of lung cancer in everyday smokers (even though the same amount can reduce the risk in nonsmokers). If you take a multivitamin, make sure it doesn’t include megadoses of betacarotene: Keep your intake under 10,000 IU daily.
Matt Murphy. Resolutions? Feh! Never Quit!. Maxim. February 2000.
