People in every culture celebrate holidays. Although the word "holiday" literally means "holy day," most American holidays are not religious, but commemorative in nature and origin. Because the nation is blessed with rich ethnic heritage it is possible to trace some of the American holidays to diverse cultural sources and traditions, but all holidays have taken on a distinctively American flavor. In the United States, the word "holiday" is synonymous with "celebration! "
In 1971, the dates of many federal holidays were officially moved to the nearest Monday by then-President Richard Nixon. There are four holidays which are not necessarily celebrated on Mondays: Thanksgiving Day, New Year's Day, Independence Day and Christmas Day. When New Year's Day, Independence Day, or Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, the next day is also a holiday. When one of these holidays falls on a Saturday, the previous day is also a holiday.
Holidays such as "Groundhog Day" are whimsically observed, at least in the media. The day is associated with folklore which has grown up in rural America. It is believed, by some, if the groundhog, or woodchuck comes out of its hole in the ground and sees its shadow on that day it will become frightened and jump back in. This means there will be at least six more weeks of winter. If it doesn't see its shadow, it will not be afraid and spring will begin shortly.
Obviously, no effort has been made to be comprehensive in treating all holidays that Americans would possibly celebrate. Only "major" Religious & Secular holidays, recognized if not celebrated by Americans in general, have been included here. The flag can be displayed on all days, but in particular it may be flown on those shown in bold.
New Year's Day
There are no Hangover Cures. This will not stop you from getting blatheringly drunk.
Making resolutions is easy. But keeping them is hard! So set realistic goals. A newspaper columnist writes: “My New Year’s resolution this year? No more New Year’s resolutions!” This columnist almost took a job in PR once. But when he writes a zinger like that, he’s glad he didn’t.
Elvis Presley’s Birthday
It’s January 8th. Someone will respond with, “Thank-yuh. Thank-yuh very much,” as if he is Elvis Presley. He will smile, but this man secretly hates his life. He should.
Inauguration Day
The day on which the President of the United States is sworn in and takes office [after U.S. presidential election, held every 4 years]. Originally held every four years on March 4, the ratification of the Twentieth Amendment to the United States Constitution changed the time for the President and Vice President's terms to begin to noon on January 20th, beginning with Franklin Roosevelt's second term in 1937.
Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday
Wondering why we have an MLK Day but not an FDR Day or a JFK Day. (You may stress that you're not a racist but you're a racist.)
Groundhog Day
Welcome to the same motherfucking guys in top hats holding up a confused groundhog. Groundhog Day (1993), the movie is about a Pittsburgh weatherman Bill Murray that finds that his worst nightmare has become a reality when he joins producer Andie McDowell and cameraman Chris Elliott in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the "Groundhog Day" ceremony. Seems that the cynical Murray keeps waking up to the same day, over and over, and he has to find romance and happiness in order to escape this comic time-warp.
Lincoln's Birthday
Valentine’s Day
Mr. and Mrs. Old Married Couple have been married for 50 years—maybe even 60 or 70. Their secret? Laughter. “Modern” messages as fax me, e-mail me and you go, girl have taken over the little candy heart business. You know what? Technology really has changed everything—even the candy we give our sweethearts!
Washington's Birthday
Presidents Day [Lincoln's Birthday & Washington's Birthday] (observed) [3rd monday in Feb] is officially known as Washington's Birthday. It is a combination of two previous holidays, Lincoln's Birthday (February 12) and Washington's Birthday (February 22).
St. Patrick’s Day
Wearing something green somebody uses the phrase “Erin go bragh!” or “top o’ the mornin’.” If it is not actually morning, they chuckle and say, “Top o’ the evenin’.” This makes you want to vomit. Aim for them.
Easter Sunday
Baby chicks and bunnies sure are cute. But guess what? They grow into big chickens and rabbits. Better think twice before you give one as a gift.
Mother's Day
In the mood for an essay from a middle-aged woman whose mom died seven years ago? It’s your lucky day. She can’t write for shit, but give her a break—her mom is dead! The bottom line: Don’t take your mom for granted. If you do, she might die. Then it’ll be too late!
Cinco de Mayo
If there’s one thing everybody agree on, it’s that fresh salsa is much better than the mass-produced stuff—and easy to make, too! Also: A perky female friend will send you an e-card today. It will contain the word fiesta.
Peace Officers Memorial Day (half-staff until noon)
Armed Forces Day
There were previously separate Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps Days. A day to honor all of the men and women in all branches of the service who protect our country and you. They can be called upon at a moment's notice to perform a risky and perilous mission for freedom and country. They train diligently both physically and mentally so they will be prepared to prevail in any mission they face.
Memorial Day (Decoration Day) (half-staff until noon)
Commemorating US service men and women who died in military service to their country. It began first to honor those who died during the American Civil War. After WWI, it expanded to include those who died in any war or military action. Many people observe Memorial Day by visiting cemeteries and memorials. A National Moment of Remembrance takes place at 3 PM. Another tradition is to fly the US Flag at half-staff. People originally observed Memorial Day on May 30 and many advocate doing so again. Memorial Day was proclaimed on May 5, 1868 by General John Logan and was observed for the first time on May 30 of the same year. In the countries of the Commonwealth, and also in France and Belgium, similar observances are held on or around Remembrance Day, on November 11; although this date is kept as Veterans Day in the US, it does not rival Memorial Day as the primary day of remembrance for those killed in war.
Flag Day
More formally, National Flag Day commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States, which happened that day by resolution of the Second Continental Congress in 1777. In 1916, Woodrow Wilson issued a proclamation that officially established June 14 as Flag Day; in August 1949, National Flag Day was established by an Act of Congress.
Flag Day is not an official federal holiday, though on June 14, 1937, Pennsylvania became the first (and only) U.S. state to celebrate Flag Day as a state holiday. Flag day is also a major holiday in Massachusetts, marking the end of the school year.
Father’s Day
(See May: Mother’s Day.)
Independence Day (commonly known as "the Fourth of July" or simply "the Fourth")
The courtroom speech of Colonel Jessup in "A Few Good Men” sums up what we who honor past military service and those who serve today believe. Although, of course, Hollywood typically had to make the hard-nosed Marine officer the villain of the movie, what he said is absolutely appropriate in most Americans’ thoughts about protesters on the 4th of July: We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post.
National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day (half-staff until sunset)
State Tax Holidays
The twelve states that have enacted sales tax holidays for 2005 are: Connecticut; District of Columbia; Florida; Georgia; Iowa; Massachusetts; Missouri; New York; North Carolina; South Carolina; Texas; and New Mexico.
National Lighthouse Day
In 1789, Congress approved an Act for the establishment and support of lighthouse, beacons, buoys and public piers. In Celebration of the 200th Anniversary of the signing of the Act and the commissioning of the first Federal lighthouse, Congress passed a resolution which designated August 7, 1989 as National Lighthouse Day.
Labor Day
There are lots of weekend getaways and barbecues, and you know nothing of Samuel Gompers, founder of the American Federation of Labor. (Gompers! Gompers! Gompers! Ha-ha.) Also: blue-collar types built this great nation and are overlooked in today’s “information-based” economy. Most people have never built anything, ever. This makes them feel guilty.
Grandparents Day
Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus comic strip, will devote this day’s strip to Grandma and Grandpa. They will be wearing robes and smiling down on their sad grandkids from heaven. Creepy!
Patriot Day (half-staff until sunset)
POW/MIA Recognition Day
Citizenship (Constitution) Day
Columbus Day
Navy Day
First observed in 1922 on October 27, Navy Day is sponsored by the Navy League to give recognition to the naval service.
Halloween
Authorities will offer to X-ray candy for free, even though there has never been a documented case of pins or razor blades hidden in candy.
Should trick-or-treaters wear bulky masks that limit their vision? No, they should not. Should they wear face paint instead? Yes, they should.
A local Wiccan complains that Wiccans get a bad rap, do not worship Satan and are really just “normal folks.” She will look like a total weirdo.
Veterans Day
The anniversary of the ending of the World War I, Formerly Armistice Day. Following World War II, the name was changed to Veterans Day to honor those who died in all American wars. The day has since evolved to primarily be a time of honoring living veterans who have served in the military during wartime or peacetime, partially due to competition with Memorial Day, which primarily honors the dead.
Thanksgiving Day
What should you eat at Thanksgiving dinner? White meat and pumpkin pie. What should you not eat? Dark meat—it’s fatty! By the way: Turkey contains something called tryptophan, which makes you sleepy. And don’t forget the President gives a pardon to a turkey at the White House. They call the turkey Tom at least once.
National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (half-staff until sunset)
Christmas Day
Remember the true meaning of Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Whatever. Either way, the American Civil Liberties Union whines about the decorations on the courthouse lawn. No one cares. Playboy runs a color cartoon of a topless woman sitting on Santa’s lap. This makes you embarrassed for the people who work at Playboy.
Kwanzaa
Ron Karenga, Professor of Africana Studies California State University, created Kwanzaa in 1966 as the first specifically African-American holiday. Try to explain Kwanzaa.
In part by Mark Remy. Predictions of 2003. Stuff. 2/26/2003.
