People in every culture celebrate holidays. Although the word "holiday" literally means "holy day," most American holidays are not religious, but commemorative in nature and origin. Because the nation is blessed with rich ethnic heritage it is possible to trace some of the American holidays to diverse cultural sources and traditions, but all holidays have taken on a distinctively American flavor. In the United States, the word "holiday" is synonymous with "celebration! "
In 1971, the dates of many federal holidays were officially moved to the nearest Monday by then-President Richard Nixon. There are four holidays which are not necessarily celebrated on Mondays: Thanksgiving Day, New Year's Day, Independence Day and Christmas Day. When New Year's Day, Independence Day, or Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, the next day is also a holiday. When one of these holidays falls on a Saturday, the previous day is also a holiday.
Holidays such as "Groundhog Day" are whimsically observed, at least in the media. The day is associated with folklore which has grown up in rural America. It is believed, by some, if the groundhog, or woodchuck comes out of its hole in the ground and sees its shadow on that day it will become frightened and jump back in. This means there will be at least six more weeks of winter. If it doesn't see its shadow, it will not be afraid and spring will begin shortly.
Obviously, no effort has been made to be comprehensive in treating all holidays that Americans would possibly celebrate. Only "major" Religious & Secular holidays, recognized if not celebrated by Americans in general, have been included here.
January
New Years Day
Hangover Cures
There are none. This will not stop you from getting blatheringly drunk.
New Year’s Resolutions and what you need to know:
Making resolutions is easy.
But keeping them is hard!
So set realistic goals.
A newspaper columnist writes: “My New Year’s resolution this year? No more New Year’s resolutions!” This columnist almost took a job in PR once. But when he writes a zinger like that, he’s glad he didn’t.
Elvis Presley’s Birthday
It’s January 8th. Someone responds with, “Thank-yuh. Thank-yuh very much,” as if he is Elvis Presley. He will smile, but this man secretly hates his life. He should.
Martin Luther King Jr. Day
Wondering why we have an MLK Day but not an FDR Day or a JFK Day. (You may stress that you're not a racist but you're a racist.)
February
Groundhog Day
Welcome to the same motherfucking guys in top hats holding up a confused groundhog.
Valentine’s Day
Mr. and Mrs. Old Married Couple have been married for 50 years—maybe even 60 or 70. Their secret? Laughter.
“Modern” messages as fax me, e-mail me and you go, girl have taken over the little candy heart business. You know what? Technology really has changed everything—even the candy we give our sweethearts!
March
St. Patrick’s Day
Wearing something green somebody uses the phrase “Erin go bragh!” or “top o’ the mornin’.” If it is not actually morning, they chuckle and say, “Top o’ the evenin’.” This makes you want to vomit. Aim for them.
April
Easter
Baby chicks and bunnies sure are cute. But guess what? They grow into big chickens and rabbits. Better think twice before you give one as a gift.
May
Mother’s Day
In the mood for an essay from a middle-aged woman whose mom died seven years ago? It’s your lucky day. She can’t write for shit, but give her a break—her mom is dead! The bottom line: Don’t take your mom for granted. If you do, she might die. Then it’ll be too late!
Cinco de Mayo
If there’s one thing everybody agree on, it’s that fresh salsa is much better than the mass-produced stuff—and easy to make, too! Also: A perky female friend will send you an e-card today. It will contain the word fiesta.
June
Father’s Day
(See May: Mother’s Day.)
July
Independence Day (commonly known as "the Fourth of July" or simply "the Fourth")
The courtroom speech of Colonel Jessup in "A Few Good Men” sums up what we who honor past military service and those who serve today believe. Although, of course, Hollywood typically had to make the hard-nosed Marine officer the villain of the movie, what he said is absolutely appropriate in most Americans’ thoughts about protesters on the 4th of July:
We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post.
The twelve states that have enacted sales tax holidays for 2005 are: Connecticut; District of Columbia; Florida; Georgia; Iowa; Massachusetts; Missouri; New York; North Carolina; South Carolina; Texas; and New Mexico.
National Lighthouse Day
In 1789, Congress approved an Act for the establishment and support of lighthouse, beacons, buoys and public piers. In Celebration of the 200th Anniversary of the signing of the Act and the commissioning of the first Federal lighthouse, Congress passed a resolution which designated August 7, 1989 as National Lighthouse Day.
September
Labor Day
There are lots of weekend getaways and barbecues, and you know nothing of Samuel Gompers, founder of the American Federation of Labor. (Gompers! Gompers! Gompers! Ha-ha.) Also: blue-collar types built this great nation and are overlooked in today’s “information-based” economy. Most people have never built anything, ever. This makes them feel guilty.
Grandparents Day
Bil Keane, creator of The Family Circus comic strip, will devote this day’s strip to Grandma and Grandpa. They will be wearing robes and smiling down on their sad grandkids from heaven. Creepy!
October
Halloween
Authorities will offer to X-ray candy for free, even though there has never been a documented case of pins or razor blades hidden in candy.
Should trick-or-treaters wear bulky masks that limit their vision? No, they should not. Should they wear face paint instead? Yes, they should.
A local Wiccan complains that Wiccans get a bad rap, do not worship Satan and are really just “normal folks.” She will look like a total weirdo.
November
Thanksgiving
What should you eat at Thanksgiving dinner? White meat and pumpkin pie. What should you not eat? Dark meat—it’s fatty! By the way: Turkey contains something called tryptophan, which makes you sleepy.
And don’t forget the President gives a pardon to a turkey at the White House. They call the turkey Tom at least once.
December
The Holidays
How do you survive them? Take some time for yourself! And remember the true meaning of Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Whatever. Either way, the American Civil Liberties Union whines about the decorations on the courthouse lawn. No one cares.
Try to explain Kwanzaa.
Playboy runs a color cartoon of a topless woman sitting on Santa’s lap. This makes you embarrassed for the people who work at Playboy.
In part by Mark Remy. Predictions of 2003. Stuff. 2/26/2003.
