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The Poker World

Know what you're doing and don't go for the big kill. Wait for hands that are winners — not just two pair. Be selective, but not aggressive. Either fold or raise. Think before you play. Don't go on hunches. Have a good reason to call, and a good reason to fold. Remember, you're not playing for match sticks here. And, try never to bluff. It backfires more than it works, and skilled players can usually spot a bluffer a mile away. If things don't go your way, don't get mad — and don't try to get even. Hot tempers lead to mistakes. If you make a mistake, simply forgive yourself and go on.

Marathon viewings of the World Series of Poker on ESPN won’t make you a poker savant, but you’ll dominate those home games with this advice from Erin Ness, Maxim’s resident poker babe. Want to improve your shoddy skills? Learn from a girl.

Drink Responsibly

I play pool 10 times better bombed, but not poker. So at those home games with your alcoholic buddies, pace yourself, slyly pour stiff drinks, and get aggressive once the whites of their eyes go red.

Don’t Play Dress-up and Take Advice

It’s easy to spot a bad pickup basketball player—he’s the one with the breakaway pants and matching sweatbands. So the next time you wear that lucky poker visor and three pairs of sunglasses to the game, you’re wearing a bull’s-eye. No matter how well I play, guys always give advice. Blinded by their egos, these dopes tell me more about how they play than anything else. So grin and take their tips…then use ’em against them.

Be a Jerk and Hide your Strengths

I played my last hand at the 2004 World Series of Poker against David Weisberger. For six hours he bobbed his head, didn’t follow the action, and had me so rattled I snapped, called his bluff, and got bounced from the tournament. Hide your big chips behind a stack of smaller chips and fool people into thinking you’re “desperate” to get back in. You’ll have more callers than a free phone-sex line.

Five-Card Stunts

Keep your shirt in Texas Hold 'em.

Stay patient and go big: First, be selective in the hands that you play. You only have to play blind twice a round, so wait for really good cards. Don't just go with garbage because you're bored. Second, when you get a strong hand, bet it strong. You can't play the game half-assed. Third, be aggressive before the flop. Raise instead of just call. Take the lead instead of letting other people push you around.

Texas Hold 'em Commadments Thou Shalt Fold Early And Often Play like the pros: Everyone wants to be aggressive, but stupid is as stupid does. Always fold single-digit non-pairs before the flop. You are not Phil Ivey, and even he dumps seven of 10 hands. Thou Shalt Finally Recognize That Pocket Jack Are Junk Folding faces may feel like dumping a stripper for eating crackers in bed, but over 100 hands it will save you mucho money. At All Costs Thou Shalt Avoid The Tilt Live to fight another day: The tilt is when you are losing and bet irrationally to get back in the game. Be cool, fool. Stand up, take a deep breath, punch a wall, but walk away. If this condition overpowers you often, give up poker and replace it with a nice craft like wicker weaving. Thou Shalt Not Call Not because calling is for losers: If you raise instead of call, you'll either force a fold or learn more about your opponent's hand. The pros know that unless you are slow-playing, calling is a sign of weakness.

Keep your eyes on the prize…and your opponent: The best way to get reads is to continually watch the other players and look for things that are abnormal. If your opponent smokes cigarettes, watch the way they smoke when they bet. If they exhale freely and make a big cloud of smoke, chances are they are not bluffing. If they hold the smoke in and don't exhale, they're more likely bluffing. Subconsciously, they're trying not to attract attention to themselves.

Be flexible—no system is the right system: Betting systems are total crap—I promise you. To a professional gambler, the idea of setting limits is a recipe for disaster. That's just crazy. You win as much as you possibly can when you're doing well. If you have a problem with losses, you could maybe put a loss limit on yourself, but the better method is to set up a time limit so that after six hours, you quit. That way you can't lose anymore. Too often when people are losing after six hours, they try to win their money back and end up playing for two days straight trying to chase that money. So play for six hours and if after six hours you're losing, quit 100 percent of the time. Focus on playing quality hours.

The golden rule of Texas Hold 'em: The most important thing is game selection. You have to find a game that you can beat. If you're the sixth-best player in the world, that's pretty good. But if you're playing with the other five, you're a sucker. You have to find a game where your level of skill honestly compares to the other players' and there are other players that you know for sure are worse than you. Texas Hold 'em takes a minute to learn and a lifetime to master. That's what makes it so conducive to beginners. You get two cards, three come up, then two come up, and you have to make the best five-card hand. It's the simplest way to learn—but start at low limits tables or online and see how it's done.

Poker Mouth Now that poker is everywhere, even the biggest fish at a sausage party can spit verbiage faster than a donkey gets crabs. Can you? ACE RAG A- with a weak kicker. Think of it as a hot bikini model with no teeth. ALLIGATOR BLOOD A short-stacked player throwing chips around like a priest at a pajama party. BALLERINAS 2-2. Tutus are best balled up on the floor. BEER HAND 2-7 off suit. This is the worst starting hand in poker and can only be enjoyed with a beer in the other hand. BIG CHICK A-Q. It may look like a great starting hand, but the pros know that big chicks will swallow your wallet if left unattended. COWBOYS K-K. If the line "I wish I could quit you" just came to mind, put down your cards and proceed directly to the roulette wheel. CRABS 3-3. Just like the pubic patrollers from your college days, these buggers are easy to get and tough to shake. DEAD MONEY A terrible poker player. DONKEY Dead money that smells like ass. FISH Dead donkey money sleeping at the bottom of the poker ocean. FISH AND CHIPS Dead donkey money on a lucky streak. GAY WAITER Q-3. It's a queen with a tray (get it now?), and they don't like you, either. MIDLIFE CRISIS 4-4. Getting lucky is the only way to enjoy either one. PINBALL MACHINE A maniac on tilt. (if you need a glossary for that, maybe you would enjoy a more fitness-oriented men's magazine.) RAILBIRD A poker groupie, as in: "I think that railbird wants to peck at your stack." SAUSAGE A player who repeatedly plays terrible hands and is "fit to be tied." TAPPING THE AQUARIUM Advising a terrible player how to play better, also known as "waking the fish." TRANSVESTITE A-4. When you look at it quickly, it looks like A-A, but that could be a life-changing mistake.

Are You All In?

The mind may be a terrible thing to waste, but if you can get filthy rich wasting it, then what the heck did you need it for anyway? Think about that ...

The Stone-Cold Nut - AKA The Frontal Lobe

None of these brain features mean anything without a developed frontal lobe. Dr. Arthur Reber suggests playing poker with a preteen (the lawmakers and law enforcement agencies are not with Dr. Reber on this one) to see how easy it is to take money from someone before they can suppress emotions. "The frontal lobe also allows players to avoid distractions," explains Dr. Reber. "There is no way to block out a guy like Mike Matusow without a highly developed frontal lobe." Note: Frontal lobe elephantitis and cauliflower ears couldn't block out the Mouth.

The Fear Button - AKA Amygdala

The amygdala keeps poker players out of the poor house. "The amygdala gauges fear and danger," explains Dr. Reber, a retired professor of psychology and author of several books on gambling. "It operates unconsciously and is critical to poker." Translation: If you are on a Q-high flush draw and the flop hits 5h-8h-Kh, the synapses in your amygdala better be firing correctly, as you'll need that flush of fear to tell you to fold.

The Memory Bank - AKA Hippocampus

Most people think memories are stored here. And most people are not very clever, which is why taking their money should be easy. Regardless, a fully functioning hippocampus will allow you to recreate your opponents' hands, betting patterns, and tell signs from earlier in a tournament or even years before. Clever editor's fun fact: A hippocampus is also a cool sea creature with the head and forelegs of a horse and the tail of a fish.

The Informer - AKA The Parietal Region

A proper doctor tells you that: "This is where the interpretation of emotional information originates," says Dr. Reber. "In poker that is absolutely critical because it allows you to pick up on your opponents tell signs." Any great poker player will tell you that understanding the vibe players are giving off - are they nervous, anxious, or just pretending to be nervous or anxious? - is far more useful than trying to decide if he picks his nose every time he is bluffing.

The Eyes In The Back Of Your Head - AKA The Occipital Lobe

Although at the back of your noggin, the occipital lobe controls vision - see, you do have eyes in the back of your head. And there is nothing more important to successful poker than vision."Among other things," says Dr. Reber, "the occipital lobe allows a poker player to correctly process that he is holding Q-Q and not Q-3." Is it any wonder Dr. Reber coauthored Gambling for Dummies?

Five-Card Stunts (Daniel Negreanu)/Poker Mouth. Maxim. May 2006/July 2006.

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