Sure, they’ve destroyed regional culture. (Did Texas and Maine always seem so strangely alike?) But The Best Chains ain’t going nowhere, so we’ve learned to love ’em. The competition was fierce, but the American appetite appeared insatiable. During the 1950s and early 1960s, doughnuts, pizza, fish sticks, spicy chicken, barbecued sandwiches, and Mexican tacos acquired brand names that were almost synonymous with the products themselves.
Food franchises changed the face, and character, of American towns. In step with other franchises—True Value, Sears, Midas, Firestone, 7-Eleven, car dealerships of all makes and models, B. Dalton’s, Toys “R” Us, Shell, K Mart, Channel Home Centers, Mobile, Sunoco, Dino’s, Sinclair, Esso, A&P, Food Town, and various movie theaters—fast-food outlets abandoned the towns and claimed the nation’s highways and major roads.
The food franchises represent free enterprise. Individuals—friends and neighbors—run the franchises up and down our highways. The idea of opening a business, of making a success, is at the heart of American attitudes. We like to visit food franchises because the concept behind them is something we can grasp. One person can start cooking hamburgers in a different way, or begin churning ice cream with more butterfat, and become a millionaire. The message is clear to all of us: You could do this too. Look, isn’t it easy?
Mascot Melee
Only one TV-friendly symbol dreamed up by Nerf-basketball-playing ad execs can rule fast-food nation.
Quarterfinals
The Noid vs. Ronald Winner: Ronald: McDizza slaps Noid to the '80s.
Colonel vs. Chihuahua Winner: Colonel: One savage kick. Call PETA!
Jack vs. The King Winner: The King: Jack's orb ends up on a stake.
Oven Mitt vs. Jared Winner: Oven Mitt: Jared fades. Low blood sugar.
Semifinals
Ronald vs. The Colonel Winner: Colonel: Shocker! Sanders reaches back for a secret blend of herbs, spices, and Confederate whoop-ass.
The King vs. Oven Mitt Winner: The King: Cover the kids' eyes—the hapless Oven Mitt is about to become the King's newest imperial pleasure toy.
Champtionship
The Colonel vs. The King Winner: The King: The King's raw brawn (and NFL game-breaking jukes) twists Sanders in his own goatee. Hand the trophy to His Majesty—he's already got the crown.
Starbucks
Service to humanity: Galaxy-wide purveyor of cinnamon dolce frappuccinos. World domination: 10,800 stores rake in more than $1.9 billion. Quarterly. Why it rules: Self-righteous hipsters hate it. But would anyone pay more than $1 for coffee anywhere if Howard Schultz’s empire hadn’t taught America the difference between a latte and a lotto ticket? Franchise fact: The chain opens over 100 new stores every month. Dark side: What happened to the mermaid’s nipples?
Carl’s Jr.
Service to humanity: A classier version of fast food. They even deliver the grub to your table! World domination: 1,020 locations and counting, including 50 coming in Russia. Why it rules: Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger. And plenty of napkins. Franchise fact: Paris Hilton’s notorious car-wash ad generated so much attention it crashed CJ’s Web site. Dark side: Not all viewers found Paris in good taste, which led to boycotts of the company for putting out “hamburger porn.” Aren’t angry protesters adorable?
Cinnabon
Service to humanity: Disgustingly good cinnamon rolls. World domination: Over 600 stores fatten world with sides of extra frosting. Why it rules: No airport visit would be complete without a Minibon and Chillatta. Franchise fact: Launched in Seattle in 1985, Cinnabon once served only one product: its “classic” roll. Dark side: Chillatta? Just how dumb do they think we are? Oh.
Popeyes Chicken & Biscuits
Service to humanity: Challenges Colonel with spicier, even-more-Southern-fried poultry heart stoppage. World domination: 1,818 restaurants. Why it rules: Wraps etouffée and jambalaya into a standard fast-food format. Franchise fact: Chain named for Popeye Doyle, Gene Hackman’s character in The French Connection. Dark side: The dreaded PopAss phenomenon.
Captain Hook’s Fish And Chips
Service to humanity: The fictional Fast Times at Ridgemont High drive-through captured chain-ruled suburbia. World domination: Very possibly more locations than even All-American Burger. Why it rules: Hitting on girls while wearing a pirate costume, Brad gave Arby’s employees someone to look down on. Franchise fact:Fast Times author Cameron Crowe posed as a high school student for research. Anyone who saw Elizabethtown wishes he’d stayed there. Dark side: Never hired Spicoli.
Panda Express
Service to humanity: Lightning-speed generic Chinese. World domination: More than 800 locations in North America and Japan. (Cute logo ensures Japanese patronage.) Why it rules: Surprisingly zesty kung pao chicken spices up mall food courts across the land. Franchise fact: Founder Andrew Cherng actually comes from China. And you thought this stuff wasn’t authentic! Dark side: What is that gelatinous goo all over the mixed veggies? And did the panda itself have any role in making it?
Dunkin’ Donuts
Service to humanity: Fried dough and coffee—only two of the finest things on the planet. World domination: Over 6,000 places to ingest honey-dipped power circles. Why it rules: DD’s secret weapon: surprisingly good coffee. Franchise fact: Founded in Quincy, Mass. as “Open Kettle,” Dunks is now attacking Starbucks with faster, cheaper coffee. Dark side: Any coffee drinker west of Worchester considers the cream-and-sugar-contaminated Dunkin’ cup an abomination.
Service to humanity: Home of the Blizzard and other gems of small-town civilization. World domination: Many of the 5,900 outlets are coupled with gas stations! Why it rules: Cheap date for Midwestern teenagers who have nowhere else to go. Dark side: DQ eighty-sixed longtime symbol Dennis the Menace and now mimics KFC’s corpo initials-only branding.
McDonald’s
Service to humanity: Served billions. That’s more than your mom! World domination: With over 30,000 locations, Ronald McDonald lords over Earth with an iron, yellow-gloved fist. Why it rules: Blazed path for everyone from Yankee Candle to T. Bell chihuahua. Franchise fact: Translation technology at the chain’s Hamburger University allows “professors” to teach in 22 languages…at the same time! Dark side: As Super Size Me proves, if you don’t control that Big Mac jones, it will destroy you (it’s totally worth it, though).
Denny’s
Service to humanity: America’s largest “family restaurant” chain. World domination: Over 1,600 hangouts for angst-ridden suburban Goths. Why it rules: Brings hangover-conquering Lumberjack Slams to every strip mall. Franchise fact: Founded in 1953 as Danny’s Donuts. Dark side: Accused of mistreating black patrons, settled $46 mil lawsuit in ’94.
Taco Bell
Service to humanity: Promoting Mexican culture, one gordita at a time. World domination: 6,500 Norte Americano locations. Why it rules: For blowing open the burger-centric fast-food world. For the late-night munch. For gorditas. Franchise fact: Glen Bell opened his first shop in a Hispanic barrio so potential gringo competitors wouldn’t notice. Dark side: Last year the Bell caved to a boycott and agreed to pay tomato pickers a generous one cent more per pound.
The Bojangles' mascot, a chicken named Big Bo, rides into the Carolina Panthers' parking lot in a yellow Hummer on game days and pumps up the crowd.
Try: A leg and thigh meal, which comes with a biscuit and optional dirty rice.
Checkers Drive-In
Last year, Checkers became the officiall drive-through and burger of NASCAR and the Daytona International Speedway., The chain sponsors the Double Drive Thru Challenge, which gives $10,000 to the week's fastest NASCAR pit crew, and rewards $100,000 at season's end to the grand pit-crew champ.
Try: The triple cheeseburger or the Big Buford, a third of a pound of beef with American cheese. Enjoy with battered spicy fries.
El Pollo Loco
El Pollo Loco started in 1975 as a stand in Guasave, Mexico. Brad Pitt once worked as a costumed chicken outside a Los Angeles location.
Try: Citrus-marinated chicken, pinto beans and Spanish rice.
Hot Dog On A Stick
This chain's female employees wear multicolored fez-style hats. Every two hours, watch workers jump up and down on a stomping jug to make lemonade.
Try: A corn dog, pepper-jack fried cheese sticks and a freshly stomped lemonade.
In-N-Out Burger
The In-N-Out Burger logo is iconic in Southern California. The restaurant's menu is short on frills, but In-N-Out; diehards are aware of the chain's many special orders. Ask for any burger "animal style," for instance, and you'll get beef cooked in mustard and topped with pickles, grilled onions and extra secret sauce.
Try: The Double-Double, two cheeseburger patties stacked with lettuce, tomato, onion and secret sauce. Enjoy it with thin fries and a real strawberry shake.
Krystal
Founded in 1932, Krystal is the second-oldest burger chain after White Castle. And, like White Castle, Krystal is known for its small, square burgers and its dedicated fans. Every year, the chain selects 40 Krystal addicts to induct into its Hall of Fame and puts pictures of them on the actual burger boxes. Krystal also sponsors the World Hamburger Eating Championships - the record, held by legendary competitive eater and new FHM columnist Takeru Kobayashi, is 69 Krystals in just eight minutes.
Try: The Steamer pack, which holds two dozen Krystals, and an order of chili cheese fries.
Potbelly Sandwich Works
Potbelly began in 1977 as a Chicago antiques store that started serving sandwiches as a side business. Today, each location is decorated with antiques.
Try: A Wreck - salami, roast beef, turkey, ham and swiss on a fresh roll.
Sonny's Real Pit Bar-B-Q
Sonny's chicken, ribs and pork are slow-cooked in a real hardwood smoker. The chain was originally called Sonny's Fat Boy's Bar-B-Q, but when that name proved hard to franchise, founder Sonny Tillman created a new name with the same number of letters so that the signs could be easily replaced.
Try: The rib sampler with sweet and smoky St. Louis-cut ribs and baby back ribs. Order fresh brewed iced tea and, a homemade peach cobbler for dessert.
Steak'N Shake
When Steak'N Shake was founded in the 1930s, owner Gus Belt would bring out a wheelbarrow of steaks and grind them into patties in front of his customers. The chain now has both a drive-through and sit-down table service, making it a rare combination of a fast-food and steak joint.
Try: The Super Steakburger, an all-beef patty featuring T-bone, strip and sirloin. Get with baked beans and a Cherry Coke.
Taco Bueno
When the Dallas Mavericks score over 100 at home, attendees get free-taco coupons.
Try: The Muchaco taco with chips and salsa.
White Castle
Founded in 1921, Harold and Kumar's favorite place is the U.S.’s oldest burger chain - beating McDonald's by 34 years.
Try: A sack of 10 burgers. These small beef snacks are steamed in an onion bath and tucked between toasted buns. Get them with chicken rings.
Wienerschnitzel
Taco Bell founder Glen Bell's wife suggested the hot-dog chain's name to owner, John Galardi 45 years ago. Perhaps she didn't know that a wiener schnitzel isn't a hot dog at all, but an Austrian dish of breaded veal - a meal that Wienerschnitzel doesn't even serve. With 300-plus locations, Wienerschnitzel s the largest hot-dog chain in the world - no, there isn't much competition.
Try: The excellent chili on your hot dog. It goes great with fries and a soda.
Chain Store Heaven! Maxim. June 2006.
Jacob Ditkoff. Fast Food Road Trip. FHM. July 2006.
