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Holiday Season

Thanksgiving isn't about remembering the pilgrims or the Indians, it's about getting so bowel-failingly drunk you won't remember how much you hate your family.

It's possible to survive Thanksgiving weekend completely sober—we just don't recommend it. Between your 15-year-old cousin who got knocked up by the migrant gardner and Uncle Larry the car port salesman, Thanksgiving is a cesspool of family misery—and that's before Grandma demands a diaper change. But if you follow our drinking game rules and drown your sorrows in a gravy-and-Schlitz smoothie, you'll be back to your miserable desk job with a skull-crushing hangover in seemingly no time.

Take one drink when:

1. You have to move your belt buckle back one notch
   
2. A relative bugs you about what you want for Christmas
   
3. You look at the clock
   
4. The family starts to argue
   
5. You throw up turkey in your mouth
   
6. The dog pisses on something
   
7. Your parents ask you to fix something
   
8. A family member passes out on the couch
   
9. There's an unclaimed fart at the dinner table

Take two drinks when:

1. Grandpa lets out an audible body function
   
2. A secret relative who has been hiding from his/her parents for years is revealed uncomfortably before the entire family
   
3. Your uncle blows up the bathroom
   
4. The family begins to wrestle
   
5. One of the children pisses on something
   
6. Your crazy uncle begins another right-wing tirade
   
7. You wake up from having passed out on the couch
   
8. You hear the words "dark meat"

Do a shot when:

1. You piss on something
   
2. When your uncle gets tired of your shit and punches you in the face, ya Ivy League liberal

Chug:

1. Every family trip to the hospital
   
2. Every time a grandparent dies

Chug the almond extract:

1. When you run out of conventional booze

Crap your pants:

1. When you've reached the end of this drinking game

It’s time to shop and booze until you drop.

The holiday shopping season (Or, ’Tis the season to blow wads of money on people who won’t appreciate it) is extra important, as the financial stability of the Western world seems to hinge on whether or not you buy an Xbox. And since "recession” usually goes hand-in-hand with "drinking to forget,” we suggest combining the acts of salvaging the economy and killing brain cells into one fun-filled activity. So load up (in all senses of the word) and get out to the mall.

The Rules

Cash your paycheck, assign a designated driver, and head to your nearest bastion of commerce.

Take One Drink When ...

1. A store plays a "hip” Christmas song ("Christmas in Hollis,” "Merry Christmas Baby,” or "Oi to the World”).
2. One of the store employees obviously has no idea where anything in the store is located.
3. You see an obnoxious, crying child.
4. You see the words "Harry Potter.”
5. Any of the food court places have "holiday themed” foods ("Christmas Quesadilla,” or "Hannukah Latte”).
6. Someone plays with one of those awful "Dancing Santa” or "Dancing Christmas Tree” mechanical toys. (Take a drink for every person who attempts to shut it off.)
7. You pass a Salvation Army Santa.
8. For every exhausted man you see slumped on a bench with seven or eight shopping bags around him.
9. You see a car creeping along behind someone as they walk to their car in the parking lot. (Take an extra drink if the person was just "dropping something off” and not actually leaving.)
10. You run into someone you know.

Take Two Drinks When ...

1. You run into someone you know who’s working at one of the stores.
2. A store is sold out of either the Xbox or the GameCube. (Take an extra drink if they’re sold out of both. Do a shot if they’re sold out of the PS2 ... like that’s gonna happen.)
3. Someone attempts to make a purchase/exchange/return/special order in one transaction and then pay with a check.
4. You see a lame "pass-off” gift on sale. ("Can’t afford the iPod? Get him an AM/FM radio!”)
5. A credit card is denied. (Take a few extra drinks if it’s yours.)
6. A kid freaks out on Santa’s lap. (Take an extra drink if he or she pees on him.)
7. You see an "adult” store trying to Christmas-up its merchandise. ("Give her something really special this year!”)
8. You find a sale item that’s actually a deal.

Do a Shot When ...

1. You run into someone you know who’s working at one of the stores and is also drunk.
2. You see someone on line who has the last of an item you wanted.
3. You see someone buying something from a lame-ass kiosk. (Like the "Weight Gainer” kiosk, the wind chime kiosk, the hacky-sack kiosk ...)
4. You get behind someone who’s obviously never used an ATM machine before.
5. A fist fight breaks out over an item. (Take an extra drink if it involves a disgruntled store employee.)
6. A Santa loses his shit and screams at a kid.
7. Someone gets busted for shoplifting. (Do an extra shot if it’s you.)

Convince Your Family to Become Jehovah’s Witnesses ...

1. So you never have to go through this shit again.

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