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Old Time Hockey

“I’ve been shit-faced for the past week.”

Odds are, most of us have seen Slap Shot a million times already. And, odds are, we’ve been drunk at least 451,056 of those times. Regardless, Maxim Online has decided to make your next trip down to Charleston a little more sporting. Slap Shot is the quintessential guy movie, and anyone who hasn’t uttered at least one of the endlessly quotable lines from it can no longer call himself a man. So lace ‘em up, tape ‘em up, and put on the foil—we now pay homage to a true classic.

The Rules

We’ve been over this before. Get alcohol, get friends, get comfy. Break out your well-worn VHS copy, break in your new DVD copy, or find out when it’s going to make its inevitable run on TV. Game on!

Take One Drink When…

1. Denis Lemieux slashes or jabs Jim Carr.
2. Each time Hyannisport scores in the first game.
3. Nick pisses himself. (“That son of a bitch over there keeps playing me, when he knows I’m shit-faced.”)
4. Anyone else admits to being shit-faced.
5. Joe McGrath offers to sell the bus.
6. Anyone uses the word “pussy.”
7. Each time Joe simulates masturbation.
8. Denis uses the wrong English word and/or phrase.
9. Mo Wanchuk describes a sexual encounter he once had. (Take an extra drink when the person he’s talking to remarks how disgusted they are.)
10. The song is played. You know, that song: “And it’s all right/And it’s comin’ home/We gotta get right back/Where we started from/Love is good/Love can be strong…”
11. Anyone in a given scene is wearing some puke-inducing article of clothing (a hideous shirt, embarrassing pants, god-awful medallions…).
12. Anyone’s playing cards.
13. Any of your friends remark that Suzanne’s (Hanrahan’s wife) nipples point at odd angles.
14. The Hansons seriously abuse someone on the ice.

Take Two Drinks When…

1. The Hansons seriously abuse someone off the ice.
2. The fan yells, “Frog Pussy!”
3. Johnny Upton actually flashes the crowd during the fashion show. (Listen for the screams.)
4. Lily Braden gets air with the van. (The second hill.)
5. Dickie Dunn says, “I was trying to capture the spirit of the thing.”
6. Anyone uses the word “dyke.”
7. Ned Braden asks if the Hansons are brothers.
8. The Hansons put on the foil.
9. Johnny says, “Fuckin’ Chrysler plant here I come!”
10. Reggie Dunlop gets laid.
11. Dave “Killer” Carlson mentions Swami Baha (or meditates).
12. Anyone uses the word “snatch.”
13. Jim Carr loses his hairpiece.

Do a Shot When…

1. The Chiefs score against Hyannisport. (“That’s what yer paid for, Braden! Now try winning a game for a change!”)
2. Jeff Hanson gets his quarter back from the soda machine.
3. The first time someone mentions “Ogie” Oglethorpe. (“Worst goon in hockey today.”)
4. The first time someone gets bloody in a fight.
5. The organ player gets beaned by a slap shot.
6. They show the twins (from the booster club).
7. The Chiefs win the championship.

Realize There Are Some Things She’ll Never Understand When…

1. Your girlfriend inevitably asks, “How can you watch this again?”

It’s about time hockey games matter!

It’s the time of year when the cream of the NHL crop hit the ice to battle for the oldest trophy in North America—Lord Stanley’s Cup—ignoring injury, fatigue, and individual statistics in their dogged pursuit. So what does ESPN show? Highlights of Derek Jeter tying his friggin’ shoes. Sigh. Oh, well…at least you can show your pride by donning your favorite team’s sweater (No. It is not a “jersey”) and drinking like an off-duty Winnipeg cop.

The Rules

Print out this page, find where and when the game’s being televised, and crack open a few cold ones (for authenticity, we suggest Molson Golden or Labatt’s Blue).

Before the Game Starts:

1. Guzzle one glass if your team is still in contention.

Take One Drink When…

1. A player wipes his nose on his glove during the national anthem.
2. One of the color commentary guys says “organ-IZE-ation.”
3. The pre-game interviewee doesn’t speak English.
4. A player has a variation on the traditional “playoff beard” (i.e., a Fu-Manchu).
5. Play-by-play man Mike Emrick exclaims, “He HIT the POST with the SHOT!”
6. Someone mentions that the Stanley Cup is the oldest trophy in North America (and no, our intro doesn’t count).
7. They show a fan wearing a cap covered in hundreds of tiny team-logo pins.
8. The water bottle flies off the top of the net. (Take an extra drink if a goal was scored.)
9. After a player screws up badly, the camera follows him to the bench and lingers uncomfortably on him as he wallows.
10. A power play is carried over into the next period. (Take an extra drink every time the announcers remind you of it.)
11. Canada is mentioned in a commercial.
12. Anyone mentions the importance of “keeping your stick on the ice” or “keeping your head up.”
13. Someone delivers a vicious open-ice hit.
14. A penalized player takes that “angry” sip from the water bottle and then throws it on the floor.
15. The ice-level microphones pick up some obscenities. (Take an extra drink if the mic doesn’t pick it up, but you can clearly read lips.)

Take Two Drinks When…

1. A goalie makes a glove save.
2. A player gets bloodied. (Take an extra drink if it’s during a fight. Two extra drinks if it’s because he blocked a shot or stick with his face.)
3. A fan is wearing a sweater of a guy who retired ten years ago. (Do an extra drink if it’s three sizes too small. Do a shot if the player was never any good.)
4. During an interview, a player uses any of the following phrases: “Good bunch of guys,” “just wanna contribute,” “tremendous hockey player,” or “play more physical.”
5. A defenseman slams his stick on the post after his team gives up a goal. (Take an extra drink if the stick breaks).
6. You find yourself humming ESPN’s NHL theme music.
7. A player gets thrown out of the face-off circle.
8. A player does something unique during their goal-scoring celebration (i.e., does the “one-knee-fist pump” or the “sheathing the sword” move.)

Do a Shot When…

1. A goal is scored within the first minute of play.
2. A new period of overtime begins.
3. An announcer makes a reference to Barry Melrose’s mullet.
4. A team scores after pulling their goalie for an extra skater. (Take an extra drink if you’re the first one to make a “pulling the goalie” masturbation joke.)
5. A ref gets seriously injured.
6. A goalie tries to score on an empty net. (Watch New Jersey’s Martin Brodeur and Colorado’s Patrick Roy—they try it all the time. Do an extra shot if they actually score.)
7. There’s a penalty shot.
8. A game is decided on a questionable goal.
9. A goal is waved off after review.
10. A playoff and/or franchise record in any category is broken.

Feel Your Sense of Elation Completely Deflate When…

1. You realize that you can’t find any hockey games on any channel.

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