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Funnier When Smashed Off Your Ass

Cartoons are funny. They’re even funnier when you’re smashed off your ass. Belly up to the tube and inhale the sauce with this super-genius drinking game.

Now, thanks to syndication, nearly every day is a good day to watch The Simpsons. Since every day is also a good day to get bowel-failingly drunk, why not enjoy the two together? What goes best with a Marge episode: Rosé or cough syrup? Do your own research with this drinking game that’s more than a cheap rerun of drinking games past.

The Rules:

Print out this page and chill a generous reserve of your favorite vintage of beer. Keep a bottle of vodka, tequila, or gin nearby. (This is just a good idea anytime.) Check your local listings and flip on The Simpsons. Wedge yourself in the ass groove of your couch, crack open a Duff and wallow in sickly-yellow slapstick.

Take One Drink When:

1. Barney Gumble takes a drink and belches
   
2. Homer drools, “Mmmmmm…”
   
3. Krusty says, “Hey, hey!” and/or giggles
   
4. Lisa makes a feminist comment
   
5. One of the Flanders clan talks to, or about, God
   
6. Homer sustains what would be, for a living being, a mortal or crippling injury
   
7. Smithers_sq_ sexual preferences are called into question
   
8. Nelson laughs, “Haw-haw”
   
9. The Comic Book Guy tries to kick Bart out of his store
   
10. There’s a flashback
    
11. Flanders says, “...iddley...” anything
    
12. Itchy kills Scratchy
    
13. One of your friends ruins a joke by reciting it before it happens

Take Two Drinks When:

1. Mr. Burns forgets Homer’s name
   
2. Someone breaks into song
   
3. Grandpa Simpson passes out
   
4. Patty and Selma mention MacGyver
   
5. Groundskeeper Willie takes his shirt off
   
6. Ralph Wiggum puts a foreign object in his mouth
   
7. Nelson punches someone
   
8. Homer makes a new enemy
   
9. Uter makes an appearance
   
10. You see Apu’s shrine of Vishnu
    
11. Superintendent Chalmers shouts, “SKINNER!”
    
12. Professor Frink introduces a new invention
    
13. The Bumblebee Man makes an appearance
    
14. Sideshow Bob cackles maniacally
    
15. Homer has a run-in with the mob

Do a Shot When:

1. It’s a rerun you haven’t seen before
   
2. Maggie gets locked into a stare-down with uni-browed baby Gerald
   
3. Homer is sent on a mission to outer space or wins an award
   
4. A former or current president makes an appearance
   
5. Moe pulls a shot-gun
   
6. The Simpsons get a new pet
   
7. Handsome Pete, Disco Stu, or Gil makes an appearance
   
8. A reference is made to Milhouse’s inevitable homosexuality
   
9. You see some yellow ass

Pour Out a Little Liquor When:

1. You see Troy McClure or Lionel Hutz

The fake news is about to get a helluva lot funnier. And blurrier.

Whenever you tire of the decidedly straight-laced ramblings of serious newscasters like Bill O'Reilly, Tucker Carlson, or Tina Fey, The Daily Show is always around to put a positive spin on the latest White House gaffe. But just because Jon Stewart and his gang of fake newscasters regularly make the nightly news piss-your-pants funny, that doesn't mean you can't still get piss-your-pants drunk during the half-hour broadcast. Here are some guidelines that'll help enhance the best news team in the nation. Ready, set, drink like a Congressman!

Take One Drink When:

1. Jon Stewart does a weird voice
   
2. Stewart does his Bush impression
   
3. The audience boos a Republican or conservative guest
   
4. They have to bleep a "fuck"
   
5. Ed Helms makes a ridiculous facial expression
   
6. Things get tense between Stewart and a right-wing guest
   
7. Stewart cracks up at his own joke
   
8. They run a fake translation with a foreign news clip
   
9. Stewart adjusts his tie and says in a weird voice "Mmmmm, that's good [insert item here]"

Take Two Drinks When:

1. You hear the theme song
   
2. You forget that this is NOT a news show
   
3. A green screen correspondent makes a tongue-in-cheek joke about being in the studio
   
4. Stewart stares blankly at the camera in silence after a clip of Bush
   
5. Stewart mocks a joke for bombing
   
6. The audience laughs at a caption on a news story photo (take an additional drink if Stewart acknowledges the laugh by saying "really, that did it for you?")
   
7. They use a correspondent you've never seen before
   
8. Stewart stacks his papers
   
9. Rod Corddrey gets his facts wrong
   
10. An interview subject cracks a smile
    
11. Stewart fills dead airtime by bleating "Curse you, somethingorother!!!"
    
12. Stewart plays with his nipples
    
13. Steve Colbert insults Stewart during the Colbert Report plug at the end of the show
    
14. You learn something
    
15. You find yourself sexually attracted to Samantha Bee

Chug A Full Beer When:

1. You wonder what the hell Craig Kilborn was thinking for leaving the show
   
2. A subject walks out on an interview
   
3. Stewart compliments the Bush administration without being sarcastic
   
4. You spot Mo Rocca in the audience, tear running down cheek
   
5. You hear the words "And now, your moment of Zen…"
   
6. Lewis Black blacks out during one of his rants
   
7. You find yourself sexually attracted to Lewis Black

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