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Inevitably You Get Fired

Warning: This is only for people not operating any of the vehicles mentioned.

Planes, trains, and automobiles aren’t just convenient travel options, business necessities, or funny movies starring John Candy—they are perfect opportunities to drink yourself silly. All that passenger time wasted just staring out the window or reading a magazine (hey, wait a minute…) can now be spent downing sweet, sweet alcohol. No matter what your usual mode of public transport is, you can play along. All aboard!

The Rules

Oh, who are we kidding?

Subway Or El

Take One Drink When…

1. You get a seat.
2. The “close door” bell rings. (Take an extra drink when the conductor has to say something like, “If you people in the back don't stop holding the doors, we’re gonna be taken out of service.”)
3. There’s a homeless person asleep on a seat.
4. Any of the following odors are easily recognizable: Urine, shit, vomit, or Drakkar Noir.
5. Someone gives their seat to an elderly person.
6. A person switches cars while in motion.
7. There’s an ad for an embarrassing medication (like diarrhea or genital warts).

1. There’s someone “preaching.”
2. Someone gives their seat to a really attractive person.
3. A commuter avoids holding the handrails and tries to balance themselves for the whole ride.

Do a Shot When…

1. The train gets re-routed midway through your commute.
2. There’s a homeless person pleasuring him/herself.
3. The train is actually taken out of service, because someone was holding the doors.

Train

Take One Drink When…

1. You get a seat.
2. There’s any kind of garbage is stuffed in the seatback pocket.
3. It’s announced that only the first six cars can exit at the next platform, and you’re in the seventh car.
4. You pass some interesting scenery, like purple landfills majesty.
5. There’s a bar car (but drink your contraband booze instead of paying for theirs)
6. Any of the following odors are easily recognizable: Urine, shit, vomit, or McDonald’s.

Take Two Drinks When…

1. Two people not traveling together have to sit in that awkward “face-to-face” seat.
2. Something in the overhead bin falls.
3. The ticket-checker has to eject someone for failure to pay.
4. You see a woman running along the platform waving good-bye to a man in one of the cars. Hate them for being such clichés.

Do a Shot When…

1. The train has to blow its horn for any reason.
2. The train gets overrun with bandits. Take an extra drink every time one of ’em makes google-eyes at the ladyfolk—those miserable varmints!

Bus

Take One Drink When…

1. Someone pulls the “stop” signal, but no one gets off.
2. The bus’ toilet is befouled in the first 5 minutes of a 4-hour trip. (Drink the entire bottle if the same befoulment exists and there is no bus toilet.)
3. You get mired in traffic and you think to yourself, “This mode of transport is preferable why?”
4. Any of the following odors are easily recognizable: Urine, shit, and vomit, or old people.

Take Two Drinks When…

1. You wake up to find yourself under a pile of empty bottles and passed-out groupies. (Take an extra drink just for being on Poison’s bus in the first place).
2. You make a stop at a fast food joint because the driver has to piss.
3. You have to share a seat with a morbidly obese person.

Do a Shot When…

1. The driver strictly enforces the “stay behind the white line” rule. (Take an extra shot if it comes to physical blows).
2. Someone tries to haggle their way out of the “exact change” policy.
3. Your efforts to start a sing-along do not go over well.

Airplane

1. You know what? Just drink continuously. With the state of air travel, you need no other excuse.

Ferry

Take One Drink When…

1. Someone makes a “ferry/fairy” joke. Take an extra drink if it’s you.
2. You don’t notice a single lifeboat.
3. Any of the following odors are easily recognizable: Urine, shit, vomit, or fish.

1. You see some sort of aquatic life swim by.
2. Poor weather causes the ferry to tilt back and forth. (Take an extra drink if someone pukes, including you.)

Do a Shot When…

1. You see the disposed body of a mob snitch float by.
2. You slam into an iceberg.

Stay home and toast never having to commute

1. When you inevitably get fired for being drunk at work.

Oh, like you’re so productive anyway.

You know that six pack that’s been chilling in your office fridge for the past eight months, waiting for that “special occasion” that never comes? Well, if you’ve got the cajones (and the financial stability to accept unemployment) we suggest you grab that mystery lager and have yourself some fun on company time.

The Rules

If you’re drinking at work, it’s pretty safe to say that all bets are off. Maxim Online accepts no responsibility for your dumb ass getting fired.

Take One Drink When…

1. Every time someone’s abandoned cell phone rings.
2. You pass a desk or cubicle, causing the guy sitting there to hastily close out of the porn site he was just on.
3. You’re asked to “brainstorm.”
4. Every time your computer crashes or freezes. (Take an extra drink every time the tech support guys tell you, “We’ll be right up.”)
5. You receive a “chain e-mail” from the office religious nut.
6. Someone’s hangover/burrito relief has befouled the restroom.
7. You see someone with more than one framed photo/stuffed animal/action figure near their computer.

Take Two Drinks When…

1. Anyone uses the terms “blue-sky,” “evergreen,” or “proactive.”
2. The fax and/or copy machine is out of service.
3. Someone’s lunch is potent enough to stink up the whole office.
4. The bulletin board features any of the following: “Roommate wanted” ads, fire safety instructions, or embarrassing candid photos of employees.
5. Someone admits to having “cc’d” or “bcc’d” someone else.

Do a Shot When…

1. Your boss calls you by someone else’s name. (Take an extra shot if it’s the office fuck-up’s)
2. Something in the communal refrigerator has rotted so badly, you can’t even tell what it used to be.
3. The hot temp turns you down. Again.
4. The mailroom “misplaces” your Maxim. Again.
5. Someone gets “downsized” (Take unlimited shots if it’s you).

Get Ready for Wacky Misadventures When…

1. You and your teenage son have switch bodies, forcing him to give a presentation to an important client while you struggle through an algebra final.

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