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Cable Has All You Need

A drinking game that only shows booze from the waist up.

Someone once said that “life’s too short for soft-core” (we’d find out who, but that would be work). Life’s also too short to spend large chunks of it in a drunken stupor, right? So, dammit, if we wanna waste our time on poorly-edited fake porn with lamer plots than your average soap opera, who’s to stop us? No one, that’s who. So raise a glass to late night cable and those never-been-rented movies hidden in the dark recesses of your local video shop. The music cue signals that it’s time for some barely-restrained animal lust.

The Rules

Be prepared to stay up until at least 3 A.M. clicking through Cinemax, Showtime, or any other cable movie channel for the next “adult” feature (watch for these key words: “adult language,” “adult situations,” “strong sexual content,” and, above all, “nudity”). Or else, grab one of those “erotic” features from the video store—something with “Obsession” or “Passion” in the title—and let the game begin!

Take One Drink When…

1. There’s a shower/changing scene. (Take an extra drink if it involves two women who don’t happen to be lesbians.)
2. The movie is foreign and badly dubbed.
3. The plot involves a young, naïve couple seduced by an exotic, older couple. (Take an extra drink if it’s vice versa. If it’s the movie Vice Versa, you’re playing the game wrong.)
4. There’s a sex scene on a beach.
5. The title of the movie has nothing whatsoever to do with the plot.
6. The couple consummate their passion without removing their underwear.
7. The girls or guys are sitting around and telling stories as a way to lead into sex flashbacks.
8. You notice the “sex music cue” coming on.
9. They’re screwing in an empty place that’s normally crowded (library, police station, bus depot).
10. The two male characters are any combination of the following:
    • Millionaire businessman
    • Photographer
    • Journalist
    • Writer
    • Farmhand
    • Lord
    • Freedom fighter
    • Cop
11. The movie stars either Shannon Tweed or Shannon Whirry. (If it stars both, call us immediately and tell us what channel it’s on.)

Take Two Drinks When…

1. The women characters are either lonely housewives or lonely businesswomen.
2. They repeat the same shot over and over in order to lengthen the scene.
3. It takes place in a faux-Victorian setting.
4. There’s sex in a coatroom.
5. You spot a washed-up former celebrity. (Take an extra drink if it’s any of the Cable Killers.)
6. The movie is an erotic take on a genre or movie (i.e. Naughty Fairy Tales, or something).
7. The woman is riding the wrong part of the guy’s anatomy (stomach, thighs, etc…).
8. The plot involves blackmail.
9. There’s a completely inane plot point used as an excuse to have more sex. (Example: “It’s a race of aliens…and they need to mate with Earth women!”)

Do A Shot When…

1. You catch a glimpse of anything below the belt.
2. The characters are secret agents. (Do an extra shot if one of them has a “wink wink” name, like Agent 69, or if they’re part of the “Bikini Squad.” Take one more shot if they use really fake looking high-tech gadgetry.)
3. The movie is one in a series (i.e. Emmanuelle in Space).
4. The first sex scene in the movie is long and involved but all subsequent ones are way too brief.
5. A babysitter is involved in any way.
6. The nerd transformation takes place.

Bow Your Heads Before Their Majesty If…

1. The movie is from the mind of one of the Soft-Core Triumvirate: Zalman King, Alain Siritzky, or Andy Sidaris.

It’s not TV, it’s an excuse to drink heavily.

Faster than you can say “bada-bing,” The Sopranos has become bigger than the Mafia Holy Trinity (Scorsese, De Niro, Coppola) on the strength of great characters, engrossing plot lines, and Drea de Matteo’s spandex-wrapped ass. Even if you don’t get HBO, you’ve heard of the phenomenon. Now, before any other wiseguys get whacked (Big Pussy, we hardly knew ye), let’s sit down and drink a few, ya fucking mooks.

The Rules

What, we gotta hold yer fuckin’ hand? The Sopranos airs every Sunday night on HBO (check local listings for time) and then 30 more times during the week, so get your crew together and break out some cold ones.

Take One Drink When…

1. Tony walks out to get the paper in his robe.
2. They show Meadow in her dorm room.
3. Someone mentions “pussy” (as in, a female)
4. Anyone does drugs.
5. Tony has to “chat” with someone.
6. There’s a reference to a type of food you’ve never heard of. (Gaba-goo?)
7. Christopher, Paulie, or Silvio make a movie reference.
8. Anyone mentions Tony’s late mother. (Do another drink if she’ s shown in a flashback.)
9. Dr. Melfi sees her psychiatrist.
10. Carmela’s seen reading a book.
11. There’s a dream sequence.
12. When an old plot line comes back to haunt someone.
13. They show a topless “Bada-Bing!” dancer.
14. Anyone says “fuhgeddaboutit,” “knowwhatI’ msayin’,” or “dis fuckin’ guy.”
15. Anthony Jr. shows any kind of emotion.
16. Uncle Junior complains about the temperature or his bowels.
17. Christopher loses his temper. (Do another drink if he hurts someone.)

Take Two Drinks When…

1. Every time you see Adriana’s sweet, sweet can.
2. A new character’s introduced.
3. Anyone gets either beaten down or whacked.
4. Someone mentions “Pussy” (as in, the fat bastard who got whacked)
5. Every time Meadow sings.
6. Someone within the family/crew tries to shift the balance of power.
7. The FBI finds out a damaging piece of information.
8. Tony “bings” someone other than Carmela.
9. A shipment of anything gets hijacked.
10. Ralphie makes a Gladiator reference.
11. Dr. Melfi comes to get Tony from the waiting room.
12. Christopher complains about Paulie breaking his balls.
13. Someone mentions Svetlana’s leg.
14. Janice, Tony’s sister and the most annoying character ever to hit TV, appears. (Note: If you keep drinking, she may go away.)
15. Someone is called a “fat fuck.”
16. Uncle Junior mentions Angie Dickinson.
17. Anytime Artie Buco serves food to a member of the crew.

Do A Shot When…

1. Tony or Tony Jr. passes out.
2. A major character dies. (Do an extra shot if it’s from natural causes—disease, heart attack, old age…)
3. You see the flaws in Ralphie’s hairpiece.
4. Someone says “hoo-er” (rather than “whore”).
5. Furio beats someone’s ass.
6. Any time Tony screws up when talking to Dr. Melfi (Example: He once said “Prince Machiabelli” rather than “Machiavelli”).
7. You learn a new Italian word for penis or vagina.
8. You can no longer ignore what a bad actress Lorraine Bracco is.

Slap Yourself Back to Reality When…

1. You starting thinking “Hey, Jersey’s kinda cool.”

Drink, ’cause you’re paying $40 a month for more channels of sweet merciful crap!

So you don’t wanna shell out for premium channels like HBO, Showtime and Cinemax because you think that basic cable has all you need. Yeah, right, and you only drink on weekends. But, hey, if you’re going to wallow in mediocrity, you might as well do it in style—nice and plastered. So sit back and prepare to take a trip inside the mind-numbing world of cable. Check your taste at the door.

The Rules:

Chill a reserve of your favorite beer, and bring along a bottle or two of something a little stronger (like gin, vodka, or whiskey). Grab your trusty remote and settle into the ass-canyon you’ve slowly been developing on your couch. Make sure the little black cable box is within range and get ready to flip like a short-order cook.

Take One Drink When:

1. The Discovery Channel is showing one animal mutilating another.
2. You catch “rare” World War II newsreel footage.
3. An anchorperson is reading the top stories in a language you didn’t know existed.
4. You catch a sportscaster using the word “tenacious.”
5. Ben Stein appears anywhere. (Take an extra drink if it’s a rerun of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off).
6. You see Kiana Tom—of BodyShaping—pumping iron in a spandex bikini (linger as long as you like, we understand).
7. You catch a few seconds of V.I.P. (linger as long as you like, we understand).
8. An Indian musical is showing somewhere.
9. You see any of the following classics: Facts Of Life, Family Ties, Happy Days, or Three’s Company.
10. James Lipton is kissing serious ass on Inside the Actor’s Studio.
11. The Sci-Fi Channel breaks out a Mystery Science Theater 3000 rerun. (Take an extra drink if it’s one you’ve never seen).
12. Jerry Springer is pontificating on the topic of incest.
13. A Talk Soup guest host is painfully unfunny.
14. TNT is showing a movie you’ve seen a hundred times, but you watch anyway.

Take Two Drinks When:

1. Two white guys are boxing on ESPN.
2. You catch part of a Patrick Swayze movie. (Do an extra shot if it’s Dirty Dancing. Down the remainder of your beer if it’s Roadhouse).
3. The Weather Channel is giving you the latest updates on a hurricane somewhere in the South Pacific.
4. A&E is doing a biography of someone killed by assassination.
5. You see footage of a Japanese fashion show.
6. Bravo is profiling a director/star/movie you’ve never heard of.
7. You catch even two seconds of a Lifetime made-for-cable movie.
8. You click on Emeril Live! just as he says, “BAM!”

Do a Shot When:

1. Jules Asner is “Wild On” somewhere you’ve actually been to (linger as long as you like, we understand).
2. Matlock is on.
3. There’s a John Wayne movie on AMC.
4. Ben Stein is not on Comedy Central at any given moment.
5. That Harrison Ford-looking guy who used to play the sergeant on ChiPs is hawking those classical music CDs.
6. The USA Network is showing Turner and Hooch.

Go Buy A Lottery Ticket if:

1. You score the Stallone Tri-fecta: TBS is showing Rocky, TNT is showing Rambo, and USA is showing Cobra—ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

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