There’s a pissed-off pro wrestler behind your eyes. Welcome to the day after. Death would be a step up. “Studies have shown that the ill effects of a bad binge can last as many as 36 hours,” says John Brick, Ph.D., a biological psychologist. It’ll feel like 36 years.
But what’s going on in your insides? It’s the congeners—the impurities in the alcohol produced during fermentation—that do terrible damage. But who would’ve thought that insulin also plays such a terroristic role? “Alcohol stimulates the manufacture of insulin in the body,” explains Andy Toper, author of The Hangover Companion. “This dehydrates your body and causes a rise in acidity in your system. The result is a sensation of sickness and depression.” In short, alcohol sucks your body’s blood-sugar content dry, causing weakness, sweating, trembling, the loss of good dream sleep…and pain. When you do drag your sorry ass out of bed, the diuretic effect of the absorbed alcohol will have you in a raging thirst, and the hormone ADH, which controls urination and was inhibited by the booze, will make you piss—a lot. At this point, drinking tons of water is essential.
Researchers reckon they have solved the mystery of the hangover’s real torture: the splitting headache. The morning-after pain can be traced to swollen blood vessels between the brain and skull. Nerve endings there become sensitive after being exposed to chemicals from your alcohol-soused blood. Normal pulsations turn into throbbing due to oversensitization, and your head feels like a speed bag when you attempt to move it. You are literally “insane in the membrane.”
But if you do get in too deep, what should you do the next day? In 350 B.C., the ancient philosopher Alexis thought that a tasty bowl of boiled cabbage was the answer. The Russians used to put an ill-placed amount of faith in cucumber juice. In medieval England, it was bitter almonds and chopped raw eel.
In his book On Drink, boozehound Kingsley Amis suggests performing “the sexual act as vigorously as you can. The exercise will do you good, and you will feel toned up emotionally.” If you can’t get hold of a truly desperate woman, there are other methods to try (see Get Over It). Of course, there’s always the eel.
The peeps at the University of Chicago put cancer research aside to study something much more important: alcohol’s effect on sluttiness. Their findings? Downing screwdrivers results in a 20 percent increase in sexual activity. Also, smoking increases sexual activity by 10 percent. And women who smoke and drink have twice as much sex as the Goody Two-shoes who do neither. Even better, crack users seem less able to just say no to multiple sex partners (in an eight-month study, 46 percent said yes, versus eight percent of other substance abusers). If you’re keeping score, that’s Drugs: 3; Sobriety: zilch. Take that, D.A.R.E.!
Hangover Helper
Milk Thistle
There's no conclusive scientific evidence linking the Silybum marianum herb to improved liver function, but even the Romans swore by its hangover-relieving, antiinflammatory properties. Dosage: 280-450 mg with food.
B Complex
Vitamin B12 is pure brain food, while vitamin B6 aids in the synthesis of serotonin. This combination helps to keep you alert and improves the overall condition of your delicate skin. Dosage: Less than 100 mg daily.
Magnesium
Excessive alcohol consumption depletes your magnesium, amplifying the severity of a hangover. This mineral aids with pain relief, promotes sleep, and fights off muscle cramps. Dosage: 400 mg daily.
Vitamin C
Vitamin C, an antioxidant, counters the unstable molecules that eat away at cells. Keep these "free radicals" in check and you'll live to battle the bottle again. Dosage: 500 mg daily with food.
Dietitian Ronni Litz Julien helps stop the drumming in your skull.
Talking Trashed
The next time liquor makes you run off at the mouth like Kathie Lee on speed, stop and think about what you’re saying. If it’s nonsense, drop one of these one-liners, make your excuses and leave.
“I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I’m so steady, I don’t move for months.” W.C. Fields
“If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of your nose.” Jack Handey
“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” George Bernard Shaw
“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days, I lost two weeks.” Joe E. Lewis
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a party: “Sir, you’re drunk.”
Churchill to Lady Astor: “Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
“Give me a keg of beer!” Teen Wolf
A Dictionary of Drunk
Alcohol
noun—Any of a series of volatile hydroxyl compounds made from hydrocarbons by distillation. We like to think of it as the silky liquid that gives our nerve endings a massage at the end of the day. Sometimes at the beginning of the day. What time is it, anyway? Alcohol cures diseases. It aids digestion. With the right touch, it tastes delicious. It can make Hillary Clinton look like Hilary Duff, and right now it's at the peak of a renaissance. Never have there been so many quality boozes, so many small batches and single barrels.
Out of your tree
adj—achieving dizzying heights of idiocy, rapidly followed by an extreme and frightening fall from grace; having the occasional urge to seek ill-advised and unsuccessful refuge in foliage. Traditional time of usage: the point in an evening’s entertainment when law enforcement is introduced in a profoundly active manner.
Pie-eyed
adj—state in which eyeballs take on a crusty, flaky texture, thus preventing correct ocular/visual performance; precursor to blind drunkenness; accompanied by loss of coordination, balance and ability to distinguish between canine and feline. Not to be confused with piebald, which means mongrel horse. See sick night of shame.
Tanked
adj—the state in which the subject’s ideal environment features paper shavings for waste management, a water bottle for hydration and glass walls for observation.
Toasted
adj—when one has sufficiently cooked enough brain cells to
assume the stiff, flaky physical and personal qualities of reheated bread. See baked.
Time to put on The Beer Goggles Survey results published by Resolve, a British company that makes a hangover remedy, confirm that no man has ever gone to bed with an ugly woman—but at least a fifth have woken up with one. More than 45 percent of male respondents admitted they had kissed someone while drunk that they wished they hadn’t, and 18 percent admitted to doing the deed with a lady who looked like roadkill. Sex is probably a waste of time anyway, since liquor can make your love pump as firm as a Nerf ball.
Drunk as a skunk
adj—resembling (in both sight and smell) one of nature’s most malodorous mammals. Like a skunk when cornered, the drunk will produce a defensive stink by emitting gaseous fumes from anal glands while reveling in the “accomplishment.”
The Right Way To Treat a Hangover
Here are some suggestions to ease your discomfort:
Don't reach for an aspirin until at least 4 hours after your last drink. Your stomach already is irritated from all the booze don't further upset it with aspirin or similar meds that are tough on the gut. Instead, use acetaminophen (Tylenol) to relieve your headache.
Settle your stomach with mineral water or soda with lime.
Replace the minerals and vitamins you've lost from drinking. Consuming sports drinks (such as Gatorade) throughout the day will replenish lost potassium and sodium. So will a few cups of bouillon. And a large glass of tomato, orange or grapefruit juice all high in vitamin C and fructose, a natural sugar that helps the body burn off alcohol faster, will help minimize the effects of alcohol.
Hit the honey pot. Have honey on bread or crackers. It's high in fructose.
And the next time:
Don't take aspirin before you imbibe. Despite popular opinion, taking an aspirin before you start drinking will not prevent or minimize a hangover. Doing so only increases blood-alcohol levels more quickly and makes the intoxication more severe.
Hydrate yourself. After the party, drink as much water as you can before going to bed and then as much as you can the next morning.
Alcohol at bedtime may get you to sleep a little more quickly, but it’s more likely to wake you up much sooner. A nightcap is definitely not a sleep aid.
Being a cheap-ass booze whore is in again. (Mother will be so pleased.) The liquored-up folks at Gray Kangaroo were sick of slugging bottle after bottle of bottom-shelf gin and vodka that went down like fire-breathing crabs, so they decided to do something about it. Quit drinking? Oh, no, let’s not get hysterical here. To protect their brains from bargain blech, they created the Personal Liquid Filter ($30), which strips crappy booze of all its crappy impurities. Don’t expect it to turn Georgi into Ketel One, but your esophagus won’t feel like you just swallowed Lava Man’s load, either. The gizmo doesn’t effect the alcohol content at all, so your liver will still get to absorb all of those noxious toxins that promise to deliver you to an early grave. Why should the filter have all the fun?
The Nightcap
Can you entice her to stay at the end of a festive evening long enough for you to work your sex magic? No problem, pal—that’s why we invented the nightcap.
Cognac
Straight up: The crème de la crème of brandies, cognac is a smooth, sexy, and sophisticated drink prized for its arduous distilling and aging process, its digestive properties, and its ability to warm up chilly guests on a winter’s night. Excellent choice if you own a fireplace. Buyer’s guide: The initials on the bottle indicate the age of a cognac’s component brandies: VS (Very Superior) is aged at least 21/2 years; VSOP (Very Superior Old Pale), at least 41/2 years; and XO (Extra Old). Serving suggestions: Smoking jacket and cigar are not required, but like all brandies, cognac absolutely must be served in a fat-bellied snifter that allows you to bury your nose in the aroma prior to drinking. (But take it easy on the fumes: Accidentally sneezing in your snifter can easily undo a whole evening’s work.)
Scotch
Straight up: Scotch is about relaxation and introspection, and it should be sipped slowly, with a mature sense of purpose. It’s ideal for highbrow foreplay: sitting cross-legged on your bed with her, talking politics or philosophy as you doggedly wear down her defenses. Buyer’s guide: Blends, like Johnny Walker Black, tend to be complex and smooth; single malts, like Glenfiddich, have more unique flavors, running from smoky (Lagavulin) to sweet (Royal Lochnagar). Older isn’t always better: Each scotch has a natural maturity date, and beyond 25 years old, you’re just paying extra to impress the liquor-store clerk. Serving suggestions: Classic crystal lowboy glasses are best. Scotch is served either neat (straight up) or on the rocks (with ice); it can be cut with a little water or served with a “water back,” a.k.a. a glass of water riding shotgun. Cigars make a nice, physiologically suggestive accompaniment.
Port
Straight up: An elegant, blood-red Spanish-Portuguese wine. Sweet enough to handle dessert, but bold enough to carry you all the way from a red-wine dinner to O.J. at breakfast. Ideal for dim-light dancing or couch-cushion mashing. Buyer’s guide: Ruby ports are young, sweet, and fruity; tawny ports are nuttier and more mature (think Wilfred Brimley). A third type, vintage ports, can be 20 or 30 years old…and can be priced like Defense Department procurements. As with other red wines, the grape harvest dictates “good” and “bad” years: Good vintage years for port include: ’63, ’70, and ’77. Serving suggestions: Serve port in a regular red-wine glass, but ditch the bottle—if you’re dropping the dough on vintage, go the distance and buy a handsome decanter. Decantation will remove the sediment found in these older wines and make an elegant statement about your fiscal health.
Dessert wines
Straight up: A gal-friendly conclusion to any meal, dessert wines come from a variety of cultures and are available in an array of flavors and styles, although they often tip toward the sweet end of the scale. Best for a light, fun, romantic-comedy kind of a night. Buyer’s guide: With a light, fruity kind of dessert, try something floral and delicate. For rich, chocolate-death belly bombs, go with a robust berry-flavored wine. For foods that combine tartness and sweetness, like cherry pie, consider trying a sparkling dessert wine. Serving suggestions: Any all-purpose wine glass will suffice, though you should pour smaller quantities than you’re used to with regular wine. (True toward the polite end of the evening, anyway; later, as you get more and more relaxed, feel free to switch over to chugging from the bottle.)
Cordials
Straight up: Sweet, spicy, and pungent, cordials’ eccentric individual flavors are great for making that critical after-dinner segue from the public to the private. (“You like Midori, huh? Ever have a Melon Ball? You know, I lived in Japan one summer…”) Buyer’s guide: The key here is to have an assortment of popular flavors on hand, to give her a meaningful choice. Serving suggestions: Go easy. In large servings, these liqueurs can be syrupy and overbearing, so pour a small amount into a small glass, straight up or over ice. (You can always slide her another round.) For variation, cordials can be drizzled over ice cream or sherbet, stirred into coffee, or dripped teasingly onto unsuspecting nipples.
