The first ardent spirits distilled in English-speaking America were fruit cordials and brandies. The native grape was not well adapted for making wine or brandy. But apple trees flourished mightily and were common in New England from the seventeenth century on, and so was cider, meaning hard cider, which was distilled into apple brandy or applejack. John Adams took a tankard of hard cider as his morning phlegm-cutter and kept eight or ten barrels in the cellar.
Vintage champagne is pretty pricey, but it is a guaranteed deal–sealer and the return—you look sophisticated; she gets loose faster—more than covers the investment. Test the theory with a $140 bottle of Veuve Clicquot Brut Vintage Reserve. You can thank us later.
We know exactly how to get what we want from women. We got our female coworkers to tell us about their favorite champagnes—and all we had to do was liquor them up!
Piper-Heidsieck Brut $35
As tart as a green-apple Jolly Rancher, this stuff will make your mouth arid. Keep a glass of water nearby after drinking it, because when the sex ends and the sleeping begins, you will wake up parched. Still, it’s good for a larger group, when everyone will be having a single glass for a toast. Speaking of which, you have some crumbs on the corner of your mouth.
Anna the Copy Chief says: “Not awesome, but good enough. It’s fairly inexpensive, so I’d bring it to someone’s New Year’s party. Hopefully, they’d bring something pricier to mine.”
Laurent-Perrier Cuvée Rosé Brut $50
It doesn’t have much body, so it may not hold up to food, but it’s still an excellent premeal drink. Made from 100 percent pinot noir—a red-wine grape indigenous to France—this champagne has soft bubbles that slide across your tongue. It’s sweet without being overly so, like Fruity Pebbles. Pour this to say “I’m incredibly confident.” Then clean up the spill.
Laura the Editorial Assistant says: “Neither too sweet nor too dry. In the words of Goldilocks, it’s just right! And just like her, I’m now sleepy and want to take a nap in someone else’s house.”
Veuve Clicquot $42
It has tart-apple and cinnamon-toast smells. The taste is reminiscent of a green apple, but instead of being juicy, the aftertaste is a bit yeasty, like floured dough. Veuve’s yellow label is very recognizable; women so love the sight of it that you’re ahead of the game before you even pop the cork. We call it the Tiffany-box effect. (It’s sneaky, but it works!)
Stephanie the Art Assistant says: “Very light tasting, like a classier wedding champagne. I could probably down the whole bottle myself.”
Charles Heidsieck Brut Réserve $29
Tons of tight bubbles bounce off the tongue and leave tastes of melon and spices, as well as tart, citrus flavors. It’s a very good brut that will leave you with dry mouth if you drink, say, the whole bottle. This is excellent as a cocktail, and it goes well with mild cheeses and cocktail shrimp. Enjoy a glass and pass the Cheez Whiz.
Fabiana the Associate Photo Editor says: “The aftertaste forces you to make a face after swallowing. Are we still talking about champagne?”
Nicolas Feuillatte Brut Rosé $40
This rosé is a fine blend of red and white wines. The smell of raspberries and strawberries is deliciously obvious, but the bubbles are reserved. This turns creamy in the mouth—like a Guinness. It’s like spicy cherry pie, and it goes best with foods that downplay its sweetness. Serve it with salmon and you’ll impress her. Especially if you’re rich!
Laurie the Advertising and Research Coordinator says: “Really bubbly. Sweet. Like sugar water with bubbles.”
Sparkling Wine
Mumm Cuvée Napa DVX 1998 $45
This blend of chardonnay and pinot noir grapes tastes like a combination of cream soda and
ripe pears, and the flavors linger after every sip. Consider this vintage wine the older woman who takes control and teaches you a thing or two about the ways of the world. (We call her Mommy.)
Iron Horse Sonoma County Green Valley Russian Cuvée 1999 $28
With hearty spice notes such as nutmeg and cinnamon mingling alongside apple, plum and other fruit flavors, this sparkler is Russian in name only. The grapes are actually from California. It’s
a sultry double agent that seduces us with sexiness…and alcohol.
Ceretto Santo Stefano Moscato d’Asti 2003 $20
Sweet, crisp and with a hint of honey, this Italian wine is a lot like a hot foreign-exchange student: It’s attractive, sophisticated and, judging from the label, speaks practically no English whatsoever. That’s OK, we speak the international language. Yes…Esperanto.
Rimarts Cava Brut Nature NV $15
Next to the other wines’ bold flavors, this one seems downright demure. But spend a little time with this Spanish sparkler and it blossoms with cream and lemon flavors—even a peppery spiciness. Kind of like that mousy librarian at all the swinger parties. (She has a lemon fetish. Don’t judge.)
Schramsberg Blanc de Blancs Brut 2000 $30
This one is all chardonnay. If you’re partial to that kind of grape sans bubbles, branch out and try this carbonated number. It’s tart and a little cakey—like sipping a lemon pound cake, only you won’t blow a vein trying. This is the prom queen of the bunch: A bit stuck up and adored by all, but for $30, she’s yours.
Piper-Heidsieck Rosé Sauvage Champagne
Open up the champagne of champagnes to celebrate any occasion. Like making bail.
Piper-Heidsieck Rosé Sauvage Champagne is not only a celebration in a bottle, it's also a great way to show women you've got class. Mixed with a heaving helping of red wine to give it an deep pink color and fruity taste, the Sauvage is the ideal complement to any summer evening. (OK, the second greatest complement, if you include necrophilia.) Before you worry about getting caught with a glass of pink in your hand, just remember that this is a surefire way to impress the pants off your girlfriend. She'll like it because a pink drink shows off your sensitive side, and you'll like it because it has alcohol in it. So the next time you're thinking about popping the top on a six-pack of Busch, spice things up by popping this cork, instead. Don't get us wrong, we like Busch, but it has a time and place. We call that time and place "breakfast."
Clear Creek Pear-In-The-Bottle Brandy
Get your daily dose of fruits and vegeta-booze!
Tired of having to chew your fruit like everyone else? Then pour a glass of Pear-In-The-Bottle Brandy and get your daily dose of fiber, vitamin C and booze all in one gulp. The Clear Creek Distillery bottles young Bartlett pears while they're still on the tree and grows them to full size inside the bottle. It's a labor-intensive process that pays off when the pear-bearing bottle is filled with Clear Creek's Eaux De Vie (pear brandy) to create one of the smoothest after-dinner drinks available. So the next time your doctor tells you to get more fruit in your diet, pull out a bottle of this, take a big swig and tell him to call you in the morning. On second thought, better make it the afternoon.
It would be the honor of the Rémy Martin family to get you blindly drunk. Cheers, unwashed commoners!
Get deeply intoxicated and deeply in debt with the world’s swankiest cognac: Louis XIII de Rémy Martin. This libation was enjoyed by the likes of King George VI, Winston Churchill and many other dead people with bad teeth. It costs $1,400 for a mere 750 ml (or a fifth, in American-speak), but for good reason: The joy juice has been aged for a century, and the bottle is tricked out with a crystal stopper and a 24-karat-gold collar. Sure, for the same price you could buy a computer, but will a computer get you voted pimp of the year? Didn’t think so.
Navan Vanilla Cognac Fusion
Halloween candy for a Bride of Frankenstein booty call.
Once upon a midnight dreary, with an old candle in one hand and Teri Garr firmly in the other, we descended the staircase of the Grand Marnier laboratory to find their latest diabolical creation, Navan Vanilla Cognac Fusion. (Cue lightning, rattling of chains, general mayhem, etc.) The first striking feature of this vanilla-infused spirit is the packaging: The round, squat bottle comes packaged in a Halloweeny orange gift case that can double as an ice bucket for entertaining guests. It's also the exact diameter of a CD or DVD, making it a stylish storage bin for your favorite porn…uh, horror movies (like You've Got Mail). An 80-proof mixture of black vanilla from Madagascar and rare French cognac, Navan's bouquet is creamy, sweet and highly aromatic, making it a welcome addition to any costume party, ice cream–based dessert, or hungover pirate's morning coffee.
Say this to sound smart:
"Navan" is a palindrome, which means that the word is spelled the same backwards and forwards. Put the bottle up to the mirror and read the name. Spooky, right!? Now do the same thing with, "Ah, Satan Sees Natasha." And please stop throwing stuff at my house.
Get a Grappa
Grappa, an Italian brandy, will put some hair on the hair on your chest. Grappa, the Italian distilled spirit made from the grape skins, stems, seeds and leaves not used in the wine-making process, is a booze that separates the men from the smaller, weaker men. With a reputation for being harsh, grappa is something you imagine being sipped by mobsters as they come up with their next alibi. But it doesn't have to be that way. Some distillers have managed to create grappas that you can't refuse. Like these:
Lorenzo Inga Grappa di Pinot Noir
$29.99/375 ml
This grappa, which comes from one of the most famous producers, is deep and complex with a light floral and berry finish. Using Pinot Noir from the Trentino and Venti regions of Italy, Lorenzo's double distillation ensures a smooth grappa that doesn't burn. Drink it chilled to pull the aromas out. Then tell people you're "chillin'," to, ya know, sound cool. Goes with: Olives, aged cheeses, pasta dishes, vendettas.
Poli UvaViva Italiana di Poli con Tubo Grappa
$65.00/750 ml
Don't be scared of the mile-long name—we suggest giving it a nickname like "Polly" or "Viva Las Vegas." Made from the very aromatic grapes Malvasia and white Muscat, this light, summery grappa carries most of its citrusy weight in the nose, leaving a long, clean finish. Pull this out before a summer barbecue as a nice alternative to beer or vodka. Goes with: Lighter fruits, nuts, antipasto, cement shoes.
