Bourbon and scotch fight it out to see who's the better whisky. We took a few shots to the mouth while we watched. To be or not to be? The chicken or the egg? Bourbon or scotch? These are life's great questions. To find the answer to the most important one we sat down with Fred Noe, master distiller at Jim Beam bourbons and Simon Brooking, master distiller at The Dalmore to see which brown water is best.
What's a common misconception about your beverage?
Fred Noe (Jim Beam and pictured left): A lot of people think bourbon's always going to burn you up. It is hot, but you have to cut it down. You don't have to drink it straight out of the bottle. People watch too many cowboy movies. They see some guy come off the desert and say, "Gimme a shot of whisky!" Well, shit, if you just rode across the desert the last thing you'd want is a shot of whisky. Simon Brooking (The Dalmore): By adding water to it, you open the whisky up. You can add as much water as you need to get what you want. The old "plug your nose, shoot it back, wait for the burn" is gone. The most popular misconception is that is should be done as a shot. It should be sipped.
Which drink gives you a better chance with the ladies and why?
Simon Brooking: The Dalmore Cigar Malt because it's aged in sherry casks. It's got more of the influence of the grape, so a lot of wine drinkers like it and I pair it up with chocolate. Fred Noe: Bourbon. Once they find out I make it, I got a chance.
What's the perfect compliment to bourbon?
Simon Brooking: A lovely woman goes pretty well with it. But I do a lot of dinners and the Dalmore 21 goes really well with beef and lamb. But there's a versatility of the spirit and it can be played with. We had a chef make a crab bisque using the Dalmore 12-year and it turned out amazing. Fred Noe: Chocolate's pretty good. But if you've got a beautiful girl and shot of bourbon you've got it by the gonads.
What's the worst thing about your competitor?
Simon Brooking: Because of the corn base, you're going to get a much worse hangover with bourbon. There's much more sugar in bourbon and you won't get a hangover from scotch. Fred Noe: To me, it's the earthy taste of scotch. It's like, you fall down and get your mouth full of dirt. I ate a lot of dirt when I was growing up. I'm an ol' boy from Kentucky, my face has been down quite a bit.
Do you have a hangover cure?
Fred Noe: The best thing I've found for hangovers is a cute chick and a lot of water…and a little bit of bourbon. Simon Brooking: Yes, more Dalmore.
How many shots can you do before you pass out?
Fred Noe: If we were keeping score I could do several. They asked me that a lot when I was over in Asia and I got tired of this question so I drank 16 shots one night in Korea. I didn't hang around, I just went up to my room and slept OK. Simon Brooking: Well, we have to practice responsible drinking at The Dalmore, but I do, on average, five to seven tastings a day and I have all four [Dalmore labels] at the tastings. So, if I do the math, that's around 28 per "working" day.
How many shots can you do before you wet your pants?
Fred Noe: I can take many more shots than I can drink beers. I would wet my pants after six beers but I could drink a 750ml of Knob Creek before I even looked for a bathroom. Simon Brooking: [Points to the kilt he's wearing] What pants?
Whiskeys of the World
From the U.S. to Japan and everywhere in between.
Japan Suntory Single Malt Whisky "Yamazaki” 18-Year-Old / $95
Aged in three types of oak, Yamazaki comes complete with a copper hue, a toffee smell and the joy of knowing that you’ve helped kill many trees.
United States Old Potrero 18th Century Style Single Malt Rye Whiskey / $65
By distilling its liquid lightning in 18th-century-style copper-pot stills, Old Potrero takes its rye malt whiskey to a new and fiery level.
Scotland Laphroaig 10-Year-Old Cask Strength / $60
At 114 proof, this bold single malt carries a huge smoky flavor and a lingering sweet body. Drink it with water. Then punch a Brit in the face.
Ireland Bushmills 21-Year-Old Single Malt Irish Whiskey / $100
We hope you like the subtle flavor of dark chocolate, plenty of deep fruitiness and a spicy finish. ’Cause that’s exactly what you’re going to get.
Canada Crown Royal Special Reserve / $45
Like your favorite receptionist, Crown greets you with a fruity aroma and a full body. But the similarities end there. (It has no idea what sexual harassment is.)
Jim or Jack? Scottish or Irish? Whiskey or whisky? Just read the damn thing.
Scotch Whisky
Origin: Scotland
Signature: Smoky peatiness, both singlemalt and blended.
Tastes like: Butterscotch and gasoline filtered through Groundskeeper Willy's kilt.
Irish Whiskey
Origin: Ireland
Signature: Like scotch, but without the smokiness.
Tastes like: Bikiniwax-smooth caramel shamrocks. But beware o' whiskey dick, people!
Canadian Whisky
Origin: Canada, eh?
Signature: A blend of grain-based whiskies aged three years. Tastes like: Medicine powerful enough to make a puck to the neck feel like a peck on the cheek.
Bourbon
Origin: Kentucky
Signature: A mash of at least 51 percent corn, aged in new charred oak barrels
Tastes like: Sweet fire. It will put hair on your chest ...and the bottoms of your feet.
Tennessee Whiskey
Origin: Duh?
Signature: Like bour bon, except it's also filtered through maple charcoal.
Tastes like: Rock'n'roll, and it burns like gonorrhea.
Rye
Origin: North America
Signature: A mash that is at least 51 percent rye.
Tastes like: Lava. Dear Lord, is this gonna sting on the way down.
the scotch cocktail
rob roy
In the 18th century, Robert Roy MacGregor was the baddest ass in Scotland. And so they named a drink after him composed of scotch, angostura bitters, and sweet vermouth. It's like a whiskey martini with a brogue.
One to banish forever
EVERYTHING ELSE
Because Rob Roy would have wanted it that way.
Compass Box Peat Monster Scotch
You won't mind getting "bogged down" in the Peat Monster.
As children, the Creature from the Black Lagoon scared the crap out of us. When the dripping, dark beast came limping out of the bog we would scream for our parents to come save us—only to realize that mom and dad were still sleeping off yesterday's hangover. As adults, though, we've really come around on the idea of a bogeyman living in the deep. And it's mostly thanks to Compass Box's Peat Monster vatted scotch ("vatted" means scotches blended from different distilleries.) Heavy with flavors of peat, iodine and smoke, this whisky is the kryptonite to our childhood fears. Whenever we get goose bumps at the thought of some sopping ogre coming to get us, we just take a few sips of the Peat Monster and realize that the black lagoon beast is just a misunderstood friend. He probably just wants to come inside, towel off and play a nice game of Scrabble.
Speyside Poker Set
You can finally say "liquor in the front and poker in the rear" and mean it with this whisky and card set.
There are few better ways to pass the time than drinking scotch and playing poker. You know you're a man's man when you coolly sip a glass of neat whisky while going all in with a straight flush…only to lose it all as your wily opponent lays down a royal flush, leaving your spirit broken and your wallet penniless. But who cares, 'cause you still have the whisky. The people at Speyside distillery, Scotland's smallest distillery knew this would happen, so they put together the Speyside 12-Year-Old Poker Gift Set ($32.99). Included is a 750ml bottle of Speyside 12-Year-Old scotch, a balanced single malt that has citrus and hazelnut overtones, a deck of Speyside playing cards and ten clay chips to make you look like the high roller you are (or aren't). It's the perfect gift for the poker-loving drinker in your household this holiday season. (We're getting one for grandma and great-grandma.)
Glenfiddich Scotch
It's Tartan Week, so get out your kilts and down a dram of Scotland's finest single-malt scotch whisky. We put together the tasting notes from Glenfiddich's experts and the tasting notes from people who are the furthest thing from whisky experts.
Glenfiddich Special Reserve 12 Year Old $34.99
Expert says: This pale liquid has a fruity, pear-like nose with a hint of peatiness before the long, lingering finish. Dave (actor): This is whisky, all right. To me, this tastes like what I think scotch should taste like. It's not overpoweringly peaty like some others I've had before. I'm not a fan of those 'cause they taste like dirt to me. But this is nice.
Frank (writer): I rarely drink scotch straight, but I would have this with a little soda and ice. Does that make me a wuss? I don't care. That's how I like it.
Glenfiddich Solera Reserve 15 Year Old $49.99
Expert says: This is a bigger whisky, with blooming fruit and vanilla notes and a touch of oak. The depth of this whisky is remarkable. Dave: This has a lot more flavor than the other one. Tasting this makes me realize the differences between whiskies. I used to just think all whiskies tasted the same—mostly like burning—but this one is a bit sweet and just sort of sits on my tongue for a while. Kinda like my girlfriend.
Frank: This is nice. It's different than the other one, and I like it a lot more. If the other was a seven, this is a nine. I could see myself sipping this in front of a fire with an enormous hound dog at my feet. And hopefully a not-so-enormous woman on my lap.
Glenfiddich Ancient Reserve 18 Year Old $64.99
Expert says: This full-bodied whisky is surprisingly mellow. Hints of apple and wood land sweetly on the palate and balance out the lengthy, dry finish. Dave: This has a very light and airy taste, almost like you're drinking nothing at all. I had to concentrate to really savor the flavor. This is ideal if you're having one drink at the end of the day. Chugging it would be wasting it.
Frank: This is the sweetest one of all. I can tell this is a really good whisky, but the 15 Year Old was my favorite. It was an explosion, while this is a long, slow, smooth burn. I might get a bottle of this for my dad, though.
Poll Position
We asked our tasters to rate all the Johnnie Walkers and the results came out like this: 1. Blue, 2. Black, 3. Gold, 4. Green, and 5. Red.
Johnnie on the Spot
Which Johnnie Walker blended whisky is right for you? Follow the colored labels to find out! Johnnie Walker is the best selling line of blended whiskies in the world. But with five different labels, it's hard to know which Johnnie Walker works best for you. To give you both ends of the tasting spectrum, we talked to Gregor Cattanach, ambassador for Johnnie Walker, about each of the Johnnie Walker labels and then we gave four laymen (well, three of them are women) who know nothing about whisky a taste of each. It's almost like everyone's an expert. Well, except the people who aren't experts.
Red Label $22
Expert says: It's got a nice combination of peaty and smoky Islay whiskies, malty and floral Highland whiskies and then some lovely grain whisky that creates a vanilla characteristic. Red Label is a complex, vibrant blend that's excellent for mixed drinks—like Red Label and soda. Amy (school teacher): It smelled like dandelions. I liked it better three minutes after I started drinking it. Jane (speech pathologist): Tastes leathery and kind of harsh. It made me cough every time I drank it. Tim (lawyer): This is cowboy swill. Same old, same old. Sharp and harsh. Laura (editor): This tastes like standard whisky to me. A little sweet, too.
Black Label $32
Expert says: The four primary flavors of the Black are vanilla, smoke, fresh fruits and toffee vanilla. Black Label is what we class as a deluxe blend of scotch whisky. It's the number one selling deluxe blend in the world. Tim: Very smooth with a fruit kick. Solid and straightforward. It's the John Olerud of scotch. Laura: Very smooth and grassy. Tastes leathery like a saddle. My favorite saddle. Amy: Compared to the Red, this gently rubbed my esophagus. Very sweet. Jane: I can taste a hint of peat and could imagine sipping this neat pretty easily.
Green Label $59
Expert says: This has no grain whisky in it, only malts. The four key malts are a smoky Talisker, a spicy Caol Isla, a sweet Linkwood, and a nice floral Craggenmore. They all combine quite nicely together so no one flavor's dominating the next. Tim: If Black Label is a man, then this is a she-male in becoming attire. I'd consider a relationship. Jane: This is smoother than the others and way peatier. Amy: This has almost no smell to me. I'm not a big scotch fan, but I would drink this because it's smoother and cleaner than any scotch I've ever had. Laura: The aroma is hard on my nostrils. Tastewise it's peaty and lovely and sharp like tacks. Would be great with Bailey's and some ice.
Gold Label $69
Expert says: This has a lot of sweet notes in it. There's honey, cream, vanilla, and a slight briny character to it. This is definitely the creamiest and sweetest of the Johnnie Walker's. Amy: This smells like morning. It's caramel-infused and fruity. I think I taste some citrus. And some apple. Laura: This is oaky and peaty. It reminds me of the forest early in the morning when the birds are chirping. Jane: I'm tasting the leather again. This makes my throat feel nice and warm. Tim: This is round, but never sharp. I think there's a lot to this, but I can't taste its depths, as a whisky rookie.
Blue Label $200
Expert says: This is all about special whiskies being used in the blend, and rare whiskies that form a lot of mature flavors. All the flavors connect very well together and there's old cherry notes, a general smokiness, sweet wood, a very gentle sweet-spiciness to it and there's the flavor of sweet malt. Jane: This is by far the smoothest of them all. It's down your throat before you know it. Amy: This smells like clouds and it feels like butter. I would drink this on Sundays. Laura: Soft and smooth and buttery. All the taste is up front and kind of innocuous. This is my favorite, but the Black is a close second. Tim: Buttery and super great. If "smooth-tastic" were a word I'd use it here. Worth the extra cost.
Jon, Mark and Robbo's Scotch Whisky
Too scared to dive into the world of scotch? Here's your Speedo.
The world of scotch is more pretentious than Bill Maher and Dennis Miller's love child. It practically takes a Ph.D in Snobbery to figure out which whiskies are worth their weight in kilts. None of the labels tell you what sort of flavors are inside, and if you don't know a peaty Laphroaig from a spicy Talisker, then you have no idea what you're getting when you stop by the liquor store. Jon, Mark and Robbo scotch has tried to take the guesswork out of scotch with their new line of whisky. Instead of having fancy names that are hard to pronounce, they've named them "The Smokey Peaty One," "The Rich Spicy One," and "The Smooth Sweeter One" so you know exactly what you're getting. And before you think scotch without pretension equals scotch that's crappy, Robbo (who's JMR's master distiller) used to be the master distiller at highly revered Macallan distillery. So figure out which one you like and pick up a bottle. And once it's empty, break it over Bill Maher's head. Just for fun.
Totally Bushed
It's time to suck down some luck o' the Irish this St. Patrick's Day. And what better way to get green than with Bushmills Irish Whiskey? Instead of getting drunk and fighting with the police in honor of St. Patrick's Day, we sat down with Bushmills expert Colum Egan and three drinking novices to taste an array of the Irish whiskey. Then we needed some bail money…um…for no reason in particular. Promise.
Bushmills 1608 $29.99
Expert says: This is our biggest seller and it's the most versatile of the Bushmills. Its lightly spicy and floral overtones make it great in cocktails or in mixers like Coke or soda. In Ireland, it's most frequently consumed with a little water or on the rocks. Shannon (musician): This tastes a little like raisins. It's sort of fume-y, but it doesn't have too much to say. This would mix well with anything. Sayda (horse trainer): This smells like pears, but it's like drinking alcohol with no taste. It's not so harsh that it makes you want to water it down. Cory (editor): This lightly snaps the front of the tongue, but there's not a lot of finish to it. I could imagine this Irish whiskey mixing well with just about anything. Except the English.
Black Bush $39.99
Expert says: This is darker than the Bushmills original because it's aged in sherry casks to give it a richer flavor. To me this tastes so soft, it doesn't seem to touch my tongue. Yet it's huge on flavor. Shannon: This tastes like horseradish. It sort of smells like sherry, but it's peppery. This has more volume and I liked this one on ice. Sayda: This smells sweet, sort of like rum. It's richer than the previous, but it's not something that I would totally remember. Cory: This is more complex and lingers on the tongue. The name alone makes me want to order it very loudly in a bar full of beautiful women.
Expert says: Made with 100 percent malted barley, this elegant whiskey goes great with food. The fruitiness is almost like an apple pie with a little honey sweetness on your tongue, and you're left with a dry, malty flavor. Shannon: This is way different than the Black Bush. This is buttery and sweet and I can taste it in the front of my mouth. Whatever that means. Sayda: This smells rich and a bit smoky, but it tastes a bit sweeter and citrusy. Different than what I expected to taste. So far this is my favorite. It lingers a bit more than the others. Cory: If this were the IRA, I would start kneecapping dissidents in no time. This is really smooth. It's not the most complex whiskey in the world, but it's something you could give your mom and it would make her smile.
Bushmills 16 $59.99
Expert says: When you get to 16, there's a huge amount of complexity. This has one of the most aromatic aromas with notes of praline and marzipan. On your palate, you get a ton of vanilla and milk chocolate, while the port finish clings to your tongue. Shannon: This is much subtler than the others. It takes a little more time to taste and that's good. I think. This one stays around longer to chat. Am I getting drunker? Is the table moving? Sayda: I like the rich color and the sweet smell. It tastes like a dry port, but it's not cloying. It makes me want to eat melons. I like this one a lot. Cory: This is one of my favorite whiskeys. It sits on your tongue and rides off into the sunset. But this isn't Brokeback Mountain. There's a bit of a kick to it.
Bushmills 21 Rare $99.99
Expert says: There's only 900 cases of this worldwide. We used Madeira casks, which explains the darker and heavier flavors of caramelized toffee, dried fruits, raisins and heavy chocolate. There's even a hint of mint there at times. The finish lasts forever. You need a nice leather armchair in front of a fire. It needs to be appreciated it. I sometimes take an hour to drink one glass. Shannon: This one smells and tastes a little like a cognac. This has a sort of sherry complexity early on but it doesn't seem to take over my body the way a Lagavulin or Laphroaig does. Sayda: This smells like a sherry or a Madeira. I love the smell—it's really warm and cozy—but the taste is a bit harsher than I expected. I like it, but it confuses me. The 16 is my favorite. Cory: This is really complex at first, but then it just disappears with little aftertaste. It's like the world's best Gatorade. I feel like my body is getting replenished with vital minerals and nutrients, but I'm not weighed down with a heavy scotch. I can see why this is the most expensive one.
Bernheim Whiskey
The world's first wheat-based whiskey overtakes Wheaties as the breakfast of champions.
In this age of cran-ras-blue-ball-berry infused booze you'd think that every incarnation of alcohol has already been created. Wrong! Heaven Hill distilleries have come up with, of all things, (drum roll, please) a brand new whiskey. Containing 51% winter wheat, Bernheim Whiskey is the first whiskey ever to have a majority of wheat in its mash bill—"mash bill" is distillery-speak for recipe, and "breakfast" is Stuff-speak for "whiskey." The wheat gives Bernheim a clean, sweet taste that finishes smooth and light. Heaven Hill was the first distillery to try this, but if the success of their experiment is any indication, there will be a few more competitors in the future. Too bad we can't say the same about our wheat condom experiment.
