It came over with the Mayflower and stayed on to be the unchallenged drink of democracy. In the history of American beer, the modern period begins on the spring day in 1882 when the short-lived American Association of baseball teams opened for business. The establishment-leaning National League, aiming for a tonier clientele, had recently doubled ticket prices and banned gambling, Sunday playing, and—most important—beer. Franchise owners in St. Louis, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, and other brewing centers refused to accept the new rules and seceded from the league. Several of them were brewers themselves, and they had learned to count on a sizable increase in collective thirst on home-game days. So, banding together, they formed the American Association. Dubbed the Beer and Whiskey League by the competition, it scorned the toffs and made its pitch directly to the average workingman, keeping the ticket price an affordable 25 cents, playing on the Sabbath, his only day off, and serving what had already become his signature drink.
Though there were strange days ahead for the mostly German-born beer barons, here, in this heady mix of beer, baseball, and fun, were most of the elements that would come to define beer’s role in the American living room and the American imagination: its connection to sports and other places men go to escape and to bond; its connection to leisure, especially of the American working class; and its implicitly rebellious, nose-thumbing attitude toward the tastes and rules of social “betters” and other authority figures.
Beers We Love to Hate
Let's be honest. Ranking beer is like ranking sex: No matter how bad it tastes, it still tastes better than anything else. (Unless you've just picked up a six-pack of Star Jones.)
10. O'Doul's
Taste: How the hell should we know? This is nonalcoholic beer. Drunk: This drunk is a lot like being sober. In fact…hey, wait a minute. Hangover: This is number 10—and not number one—on the list because it gives you the best hangover in the world. No vomiting, no headaches and no shakes. It's almost like you didn't get drunk at all.
9. Stella Artois
Taste: Two words: horse cock. Drunk: What's very irritating about Stella Artois is that it markets itself as a high-end Belgium lager when in actuality it's just a European version of Keystone. That this is the most popular beer on the U.K. market says a lot about what the English will put in their mouths (hint: anything but a toothbrush). Hangover: Like a good Brit, you'll be using the word bloody a lot. Sadly, you'll be talking about your stool.
8. Molson XXX
Taste: The next time a Canadian is talking shit about American beer, bring this up. The 7.3 percent alcohol content isn't nearly enough to mask the harsh aftertaste of corn, malt and balls.
Drunk: You'll be talking like a Canadian, but with more of a speech impediment.
Hangover: For some reason, it'll burn when you masturbate.
7. Busch
Taste: Thankfully, we've never had any bush that's tasted like this. Drunk: You'll have an intense desire to cut the sleeves off your flannel shirt, forget 90 percent of your vocabulary and vomit. Hangover: Your colon will be doing a really, really good impersonation of the Hindenburg disaster.
6. Keystone Ice
Taste: The "specially lined" cans were apparently lined with "monkey jizz." Drunk: This brew is aimed at college kids, so after a 12-pack, you'll be skipping class and tappin' ass…until you realize you graduated three years ago. Then you'll just be a loser. Hangover: You'll probably want to sleep this one off. In a coffin.
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Taste: Hipsters everywhere swear by this beer, because snotty rich kids feel like they have street cred if they embrace the worst shit in the world. Drunk: Pretty tame, but be careful. After draining 12 of these, we won a blue ribbon for being the "Loudest Shit-Faced," which, to be honest, is an award we don't even understand. Hangover: You'll feel like you have cancer…and AIDS…and leukemia…and Ebola…and a hangnail…
4. Natural Light
Taste: It's almost as if someone bottled the sadness of all the terminally ill children in the world. Which is impressive. Drunk: The only possible way to enjoy this beer is to steal some from your trailer park dad who just passed out after huffing too much glue. (Please don't laugh at our childhood.) Hangover: To put it a nice way, you'll feel like you're sharting glass.
3. Tequiza
Taste: We're guessing it's somewhere between menstruation and placenta. (We haven't had either, so this is purely speculative.) Drunk: Some beer nerds might say this is a tequila and beer "hybrid" and not a true "beer." That's why they're called "beer nerds" and Tequiza is called "beer." Hangover: Normally, one catheter is enough. Tequiza, though, requires two.
2. Michelob Ultra
Taste: Taint the ass, taint the pussy. So, it must be the taint. Drunk: You're supposed to work out or something while you drink this. We had a sixer, did four push-ups and blew out a kidney. So be careful. Hangover: Have you ever puked out your shithole? If not, you will.
1. Tecate
Taste: If this tastes like Mexico, then someone just took a huge dump in Mexico. Drunk: Put the bail money in your sock, 'cause your blackout will start after the first sip. Hangover: Remember the time you went to Mexico and got a horrible case of the exploding shits? Well, multiply that by a thousand, add in a torn rectum, a sex change (without anesthetic), some clinical depression and probably a headache, and you'll spend the entire following day swearing off Tecate…until happy hour.
As beer became big business, and a national pastime, a specifically American beer began to emerge in response to consumer demand: pale, drier, and lighter than the Pilsener style, which was already very light by European standards. It was achieved by adding starch to the malted barley. Pabst (for its Blue Ribbon lager, introduced in 1882) and most other brewers preferred corn, but Anheuser Busch used rice, which it thought added “snappiness” to Budweiser. (Walt Whitman would use the same word, snap, to describe the special, fast American character of the game of baseball.)
The beer served in the Beer and Whiskey League stadiums in spring 1882 was recognizably the American beverage we know today. Milder, lighter, and less bitter than older American ales or European beers, pale, effervescent, low in alcohol, and served very cold, it was a refreshment, meant to be drunk quickly. No longer part of the history of American nourishment, it was now part of the history of American entertainment.
If the family-friendly, outdoor, music-and-lantern-filled beer garden had remained the model for beer consumption, today’s beer commercials would probably resemble those for Disneyland or Great Adventure. That their imagery is quite different, and often features blue-collar men, has to do with developments in the later nineteenth century. As the brewers sought to expand their markets and their sales, they took over or built thousands of saloons to retail their brands. To entice customers, they made the saloons gorgeous and impressive, offering extras like free newspapers, free lunches, and family entrances. But despite the money they spent, their clientele would more and more be drawn from the lower rungs of the social ladder.
Show A Little Class
We're not asking you to wear a bowtie and spats to the office or close your eyes when you kiss a woman, but for chrissake show a little class when drinking your beer. Here are 10 simple ways to dress up a brewski for the ball, or a six-pack for a Senatorial hearing.
Wedding
Black Velvet
The most common complaint at weddings is that the bride looks like a whore. (Everyone thinks you're auditioning for a goddamn Kabuki theater.) The second most common complaint is the lack of top-shelf booze. Turn a glass of cheap champagne into a champleasure by adding half a glass of your favorite stout to half a glass of bubbly.
Breakfast
Caribbean Night
Sure a pint of Guinness has the right color and consistency to be sold at Dunkin' Donuts, but it just doesn't kick like coffee. Try adding half a shot of Kahlua to your brew for a glass of beer that Juan Valdez would be proud of. (Lord knows that donkey has been disappointing him.)
Brunch
Beer Bloody Mary
You're so close to that hour when your beer drinking goes from "problem" to "party," but what if you can't wait until noon? In a tall glass, mix half a can of lager with half a glass of tomato juice (or possibly some Clamato, for the connoisseur). Add a dash of Worcestershire and Tabasco sauce, and don't skip the celery—it's nature's broom.
Brunch (in Oaxaca)
Michelada
It's kind of like a Bloody Mary, but with a dash of Montezuma's Revenge to spice things up. Fill a tall glass with ice, squeeze in the juice of a whole lemon (watch out for seeds), and add a few dashes of the following: soy sauce, Worcestershire, Tabasco (which coincidently owns 78 percent of Mexico), salt and pepper. Also, feel free to add tequila. We said feel free!
At the Theater
Diesel Shandy
Cola and beer is big in Japan. Not as big as tentacle porn, but still…. Before you rule out the idea of ever mixing soda and suds, just know that other parts of the world love it. Germany has their Colaweizen, the UK has a Bass-produced shandy, and in the States it's known as the "AMC Movie Helper Combo."
Medical Conference
Flaming Dr. Pepper
Everyone knows that Dr. Pepper wasn't a real doctor, but neither is Dr. J, Dr. Phil, or Dr. Octopus. That doesn't mean he doesn't have the prescription for the daily blues. Combine 4 cc's (about ¾ of a shot glass) of Amaretto and top it off with Bacardi 151. Light it on fire and drop it into a waiting glass of beer.
Camping
Snakebite
Snakes. We hate snakes. Also wasps. Very dangerous. But in this rare exception, you'll actually want to suck the poison out. Take a nice stout (Beamish and Guinness work well) and a nicer hard cider (try Strongbow), and mix them 50/50 for a great outdoor cocktail. And if you're actually bit by a snake, don't forget to point out the irony.
KGB Reunion
Yorsh
Ah vodka…the reason why we've always gotten along so well with our former Soviet comrade. Of course the Russians would have a recipe for vodka and beer. And, that's pretty much it. In a fit of inspiration, a Russian—let's say, man—poured vodka into beer. Maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it's best served cold. Like a paranoid war of nuclear brinkmanship.
Tour de France
Radler
Legend has it that in 1922 Munich chemist/bartender Franz Xaver Kugler ran out of beer serving thousands of cyclists, so he started combining lemonade with the lager. While not as tasty or famous as the Arnold Palmer (iced tea, you are lemon's true compliment), the Radler is still drunk in Germany and Austria as a summer thirst quencher (and a terrific buzz-getter).
Late Night
Boilermaker
When it's too late to stay at the bar, but too early to go home; make it a boilermaker (a shot of whisky and a beer). While technically not a beer cocktail, the boilermaker is more like beer's best buddy. It's the friend who's always up for a good time…whether it be a pool hall, strip club, or just dynamiting something. Instructions: Drink whisky. Chase with beer. Find ATM.
