These are all genre films, and genre films have become our modern mythology. The purpose of mythology in the past was to decode our world and make sense of it, and in some ways that is what these movies do: We see a hero who confronts problems, and we hope that hero is us. But geek culture goes beyond the movies, unfortunately geek movies really isn't a genre. It's a lifestyle, a way of being. When you go home and put on your Star Wars pajamas, it's like the movie never ends. I mean, nobody gets a tattoo of a romantic comedy, but there is a guy with a giant King Leonidas tat from 300 on his shoulder Sure, it's really a tattoo of Gerard Butler, but it means something to this guy. It's interesting that its no longer embarrassing for grown men to be into comic books and robots and wizards, It shows that adolescence doesn't have to end, that we're all chasing the high of that first fix, looking for that Star Wars feeling.
Wisdom From Geek Gods
Stan Lee on Cameos I’m a big ham, and I love being in the Marvel movies, and I think a lot of the fans get a kick out of spotting me here and there. I was heartbroken about not being in the Wolverine movie. But my favorite was Spider-Man 3 when director Sam Raimi asked me to say to Peter Parker a line I’ve said in comics for years: “Sometimes one man can make a difference. ’Nuff said.” That was terrific. But I don’t think I can match the record of Hitchcock. I was watching The Lady Vanishes the other day because I wanted to see how the son of a gun did it, and he had not one but two cameos in the same movie! So I’ve got to try and top Hitchcock now. I’m going to try for three.
Lou Ferrigno on CGI When I heard about Ang Lee’s Hulk, I wanted to reprise the role, but apparently they wanted to do CGI. So basically they spent $175 million where they could have spent maybe a tenth of that, used me, and made way more money. There’s no comparison between the CGI Hulk and the human Hulk. The big difference? No feelings. The original Hulk, it shows feelings. It was human. The CGI Hulk still looks rubbery, not real. I hear they’re doing another CGI Hulk for The Avengers. Once again, they’re going to be spending millions of dollars they don’t have to spend. They just don’t get it yet. It’s Universal, they’re idiots.
Joss Whedon, the brain behind Buffy, Angel, Serenity, and Dollhouse, on what's good in the intergalactic 'hood.
Spaceships in Trouble
Nothing—and I mean nothing—gets me into a theater faster than a torn-up ship with a resourceful crew. The breath-taking scope and the cramped, mundane interiors—it’s like crack. Just thinking about what is going to happen in the airlock (and something will) makes me giddy.
Tough Women
Remember the scene in Working Girl where Sigourney Weaver kicks that alien’s ass? No, you sure don’t. Long before little Buffy picked up a stake, women in science fiction were getting it done. And now we have Milla. Dear, dear Milla.
Famous Actors in the Ghetto
Christian Bale in Equilibrium. Hurt and Oldman in Lost in Space. Sir Ben in…Well, damn, this goes all the way back to Slipstream. Either their star is (perhaps temporarily) on the wane, or they wanted a paycheck, or they dig sci-fi, but it’s fun to see the big guns in the little movies.
Lightsabers
Whatever else he did wrong, George gave us the most cinematic, mythical, elegant, and oddly comforting tool in sci-fi history.
Robots
Who are we? Where do we come from? What is love? Is humanity worth saving? Who monitors the birds? We all ask these questions, but none more poignantly than people who can remove their own faces. Also, they can remove their own faces. And occasionally ours. Bots rule.
Locations
The sign of a cheap sci-fi movie (and those are the best ones) is a good location. They can’t afford to build anything, so the future is some Bauhaus monstrosity or desert village. Tarsem’s vastly underrated The Fall is probably the best. It’s all about the (pun!) space.
Kurt Russell
Soldier didn’t add up, but check out Kurt holding the screen with all of 15 words in the film. Then check out his deep comedy chops in the masterful Sky High. Then check out his entire Carpenter oeuvre. He is the King of the B’s, and up to anything else that gets thrown at him. The real deal.
Anatomy of a Flux Capacitator
Doc Brown’s Flux Capacitor in Back to the Future was genius, sure. But to really bend time you need more than some swiped Libyan plutonium, a DeLorean, and a weird relationship with an impres-sionable high school boy. Namely, you need way more power, says Lawrence Krauss, author of The Physics of Star Trek and director of the Origins Initiative at Arizona State University. “Doc was on track, in that you need a great burst of energy to create the wholly separate form of energy that’s required for time travel. This new energy is the theoretical negative energy. Unlike regular energy, which is sucked in by gravity, negative energy is repelled by gravity and, if harnessed, could push you through time or a wormhole in space,” says Krauss.
Got that? Good. So, will 1.21 jigawatts give us the bang we need? “Well, 1 gigawatt, a billion watts, could light a small city, but it wouldn’t even take you back to 2008, not even in a Ferrari,” says Krauss. “Ultimately, you’d need the power output of about a trillion suns.” Whoa, heavy.
Sci-fi's Sexiest Babes
Jessica Alba in Sin City as a snake-hipped stripper? Yes, please! Sadly for the lovelorn Marv, there was no sex in the Champagne Room.
Malin Akerman in Watchmen was Silk Spectre II with a skintight yellow costume. It is destined to be worn by exhibitionist nerdettes everywhere next Halloween. We'd bet our Hulk Underoos on it!
Rebecca Romijn in X-Men is a shape-shifting blue mutant who will inevitably break your heart, but that doesn't mean we wouldn't take this freaky man-trap on a hot date to T.G.I. Friday's.
It was worth sitting through this toy-tastrophe, Transformers, to see Earth's hottest human, Megan Fox, chased by giant robots. Looks like Michael Bay might go to heaven after all!
The gold bikini that ruined countless Stormtrooper uniforms worn by Carrie Fisher in Return Of The Jedi still haunts our dreams.
Comic Book Guy's Reviews (Most intelligent film critic. Ever.)
Spider-Man
I cant respect a man who'd kiss a girl upside down. Or right-side up. Or in any fashion whatsoever.
The First Hulk Movie
The most boneheaded adaptation I'd ever seen-until the second Hulk movie came out, Maybe by Hulk 9 they'll get a clue.
Superman Returns
This describes what people did with the DVD after they bought it.
Sin City
Michael J. Fox gave a truly courageous performance in the face of ... Oh, wait, that's Spin City. Never mind.
Creepiest Interspecies Hookup Enemy Mine 1985
Dear Annie Proulx, author, Brokeback Mountain:
Come clean, sister, you know you stole the plot of Enemy Mine. Aside from the setting of planet Fyrine IV (Fire Island?), it's the same friggin' story: Boy meets boy. Boys share forbidden love "as brothers." Boy dies having nasty alien baby. Busted! Although the sight of Dennis Quaid and alien Louis Gossett Jr. getting it on was much hotter.
Most Dystopian Future Mad Max 1979
Three decades ago, it was readily apparent that post-Apocalyptic society would look one of two ways: the dark, teeming metropolis of Blade Runner or the cracked, dessicated outback of Mad Max. Either way, the future su-u-u-cks, but life with a bunch of mongoloid Aussies is worse.
Rockin'est Geek Freak
David Bowie In Labyrinth 1986
Rock stars have given us some memorable movie moments, and what they lack in acting chops, they make up for in hairbrained hairdos. Exhibit A: Bowie as the Goblin King. If Glenn Close circa Fatal Attraction stuck her finger in an electric socket, then mated with a rabid lion, the resulting hair-baby might approach Bowie's in this tweaked fantasy. But as creepy as his relationship with a teen Jennifer Connelly is, how
can you knock a film that brought together Jim Henson, George Lucas, and Ziggy Stardust?
Most Evil Of Evil Robot
Ian Holm As Ash In Alien 1979
Disregard for human life? Check. Monotone British accent? Check. Seems human till he sweats milk and chokes Sigourney Weaver with a titty magazine? Check. The man who would be Bilbo Baggins is easier to destroy than, say, the T-t000, but Holm's victory was sealed with this line, delivered by his severed head: "I can't lie to you about your chances, but...you have my sympathies."
Biggest Sellout
Laurence Olivier In Clash Of The Titans 1981
He's been called the greatest thespian of all time, so who better to don Zeus' toga in the camptastic Clash of the Titans? Olivier's arch-Shakespearean take on the deity may win the prize, but he's not alone: Brando was paid $3.7 million for Superman (that's $16.2 million today). Not bad for 10 mumbly minutes.
Scariest Near-death Scene In Space Total Recall 1990
As Ahnold suffocates in the Red Planet's thin air, his face and eyes bulging and inflating into an orange-tinted Jiminy Glick in Paul Verhoeven's epic of cheesy mind-fuckery, we're forced to stifle our inherently nerdy need to shout at the screen with our nasally voices: "Bullshit! There's no screaming on Mars!"
Biggest Intergalactic Asshole
General Zod 1980
Superman II's supervillain isn't as merciless as Ming, nor is he as complex as loony Lord Whorfin. But as played by The Limey's Terrence Stamp, Zod is the ultimate triple threat of terror. He reduces our POTUS to tears, kicks the snot out of Superman, and unabashedly rocks that sexy disco-era backup singer getup. Bonus: He owns the greatest one-liner in all of sci-fi-dom (yell it with us): "Kneel before Zod!"
Weapon of Choice
The Glaive In Krull 1983
Like the four-eyed love child of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, 1983's Krull was a perfect storm of geekiness. So it's only fitting that it should have the baddest weapon in the fanboy universe. Colwyn's boomeranging, throwing-star-like glaive makes lasers, phasers, and sabers of all kinds look like Nerf. Why would a thrown, bladed weapon disintegrate aliens from the future invading a planet in another galaxy that's somehow populated by humans and cyclopses? We don't know. But it's so awesome, we just don't care.
Most Conspicuously Gay Duo
Frodo And Samwise In The LOTR Trilogy 2001-03
These two furry-footed "friends" don sweater capes and go on a camping trip, sharing approximately 9.3 hours of screen time exchanging doe-eyed looks. And if the fact that the climax of one of the most successful franchises in movie history ($3 billion at the box office, 17 Oscars) is Sean Astin carrying Elijah Wood like newlyweds crossing the threshhold wasn't enough to set off our gaydar, dialogue like this would: "Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? Do you remember the taste of strawberries?" Awww.
Laziest Title IT 1990
What is it that compels directors to shoot for the lowest common denominator when it comes to naming their "masterpieces"? Pronouns, initials, and numerals just don't cut it. We mean, It? Seriously, it's almost like they gave up in the middle of typing the actual titl...
The Pinocchio Syndrome
Daryl In D.A.R.Y.L. 1985
With some notable exceptions (T-l000, HAL, the Sentinals. OK, a lot of exceptions), Hollywood has taught us that, much like our favorite dago marionette, robots want to be real boys! And none more so than Daryl, who tugs at our heart strings. And unlike A.I., with its wan-faced Haley Joel Osment, this story avoids using a heavy-handed Blue Fairy to get its point across. A litany of government agencies intervene to prevent "Data-Analysing Robot Youth Lifeform," played by Barret Oliver in between his roles in The NeverEnding Story and Cocoon, from realizing his human potential. But you know how good the government is at fixing things (see your 401k). We'd like to think that Daryl eventually settled down and raised a couple of micro-machines with that little minx from Small Wonder.
Most Destructive N.Y.C. Destruction Cloverfield 2008
You'd think that in the post-9/11 world, the Big Apple might be spared, but there's something about seeing a bustling metropolis full of immigrants, minorities, and corporate fat cats getting snuffed that seems to strike a chord with the rest of the world. Where some movies spend a few scenes wrecking N.Y.C., this whole goddamn movie is about destroying the place. All of it—Brooklyn, too. Hell, those nasty aliens even invade the friendly subway tunnels. What did we ever do to you, J.J.?
Best Use Of Little People
Warwick Davis
Fantasy movies have done more for "little people" than stepladders, booster seats, and miniature horses combined: They've given tiny thespians a steady paycheck. And no one has gotten more work than Warwick Davis, 39, a British dwarf who has starred in the Leprechaun movies, Willow, Labyrinth, Time Bandits, the Harry Potter franchise, Return of the Jedi, and dozens of, urn, smaller roles. So what's it like being the biggest little person in the biz? "Several times a day, I get, 'Hey, were you in Willow?"' Davis says. "The people who recognize me from the Leprechaun movies are slightly deranged. You can see them from 5o feet away, strangely dressed, with long hair. Some have parties where they watch Leprechaun movies all day and drink green beer. I suggest takingyour brain out and putting it in the fridge beforehand." Hey, whatever you say, little buddy!
Most Unnecessary Sidekick
Jon Cryer In Superman IV 1987
Somewhere between his roles as a New Wave nerd in Pretty in Pink and a single dad nerd in Two and a Half Men, Jon Cryer played Lenny Luthor, the whiny, punky, and, yes, nerdy nephew of Lex. The guy already had the greatest right-hand man a supervillian could ask for in Ned Beatty's Otis, making Cryer's turn (in a sequel that rivals Batman & Robin and Matrix Revolutions in sheer crapitude) all the more painful.
Our Favorite Martians
Tie: E.T. In E.T. (benevolent division) 1982
Alien In Alien (malevolent division) 1979
Whether they're out to win our hearts or attach to our faces, plant an embryo in us, then burst through our rib cage as we eat Chinese food, all our favorite aliens have something in common. Something phallic. Think E.T.'s telescoping neck and long, throbbing finger. Or the Alien's tumescent head. Kind of gets us in the mood for an anal probing.
Best Wrestlers In Space!
Rowdy Roddy Piper In They Live 1988
If there's a place a juiced-up, oddly coiffed pituitary case with a taste for spandex can feel at home, it's here. And the king of the ring is Rowdy Roddy Piper, as
a construction worker who stems an alien invasion...with the help of his magic sunglasses. "Brother, life's a bitch," Piper intones. "And she's back in heat." Poetry!
Executives at Warner Bros. had no idea what they were dealing with when they began to slap together a big-screen adaptation of Alan Moore’s seminal 1980s graphic novel, Watchmen. Luckily, the suits happened to hire a devotee in 300 director Zack Snyder. “They called and said nonchalantly, ‘Would you like to direct this superhero movie Watchmen?’” recalls Snyder. “They didn’t give a rat’s ass. But as a fan, I had to try to do Watchmen justice.”
Considering Moore’s 400-plus-page tome is one of the most influential, genre-busting graphic novels of all time, keeping the source material intact was top priority for Snyder. Set amid the Cold War paranoia of 1985, Watchmen follows—with backstories upon side plots—a retired superhero team that is mysteriously being killed off. Initially, the studio planned a reimagining that updated Watchmen’s universe into more relatable Iraq war times. “I shook the execs’ hands,” says Snyder, “then went off and wrote the script exactly as it was in the comic. They weren’t happy.”
Snyder’s $71 million opening weekend for 300, however, gave the studio the confidence to flash a green light. Two years later he just may have pulled off something other A-list directors could not over the project’s 20-year development: translating Watchmen into a feature-length spectacle. Such an ambitioussuperhero film was once too risky, but thanks to The Dark Knight, taking caped crusaders seriusly—with such human foibles as obsessionand impotence—is no longer taboo. “This isn’t for kids,” warns Snyder of scenes that earned Watchmen’s R rating. “The Dark Knight is dark, sure, but not being able to get an erection around a sexy girl because you don’t have your hero suit on? That is dark.”
Over the years, WarGames has written itself into the cult lore of Silicon Valley. WarGames became the geek-geist classic that minted the nerd hero — and maybe even changed American defense policy. Question: Shall we play a game?
Made for $12 million, the movie was released on June 6, 1983. When the WOPR spoke the movie's penultimate line ("A strange game. The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?"), audiences, unnerved by years of US-Soviet nuclear brinkmanship, spontaneously applauded. Ronald Reagan did not find the WOPR crazy or silly when he saw the movie at a special Camp David screening during its opening weekend.
It's not like geeks really need another reason to stay home and watch movies in their pajamas while surfing the Web on their laptop and eating snickerdoodles on the sofa. I don't think being geek is dependent on technology. Put a geek on a desert island and he/she will still be a geek.
Matt Barone. Watchmen Is One to Watch. . March 5, 2009.
Zack Snyder. The Ultimate Geek Movies. . May 2009.
